I had such a traumatic experience over the weekend on Saturday. It was so horrible, that everything that happened is still so vivid and clear in my head. I can’t thank my boyfriend enough for comforting me. I posted another video. This song gets my mind off of the anxiety and stress.
I keep holding it in and nobody can tell. They think that I’ve become a better person. They think that I’ve changed. But what they don’t realize is that with each speck of additional anger I harbour inside of me, I have a growing desire to lash out, to hurt something. And now, I know that when I finally break and snap, I will take out everybody around me. The worst thing about it is I don’t feel any remorse about it. I want them to suffer. I want them to see what they have done to me. And whenever I think about this I […]
I sometimes like to imagine a reality in which there was an unwritten and unspoken method of first-person perspective observation by unnamed third parties; an ability realized by only a select few. I like to imagine myself being watched by an external third party; they would be witnessing my actions (within a limited window of time, usually less than a minute per viewing session) through my eyes.
Usually, the person being observed would be unaware of the perceptual intrudance, but in my mind I always have a sense – like a background, quiet tingling sensation in the back of my mind – of when I’m being […]
Do you believe in love?
This is a good question.
I believe in wanting someone so badly that it makes it hard for you to live without even thinking about him or her. I believe in feeling good just by having her or him next to you. I believe in being in love more then i believed in myself and that’s probably what keeps me going.
But then again what is love, do we even know love or is it just the idea of love. Could we even recognize love if it wasn’t from what we’ve heard read saw, if it wasn’t for other’s ways […]
Was nice felt so light physically and mentally. A nice break. But be warned… had i a gun nearby i wouldnt be here i dont think. I conceptualized and pictured that and there was no hesitation mentally. Almost a feeling like it wouldnt be quite real or i could try it and then undo it. Hard to explain not a bad experience but maybe a bit dangerous.
35 year old white male….educated, athletic, comedic, drug addict, truth searcher, lazy, the average person would say I have so much to offer…..I see there is no purpose, but I know many are in pain….., I really want to know if people who really believe they are happy have a gene switched on that allows them to believe their own lies, somehow my father understands all of this but is content with life…..playing golf and gambling….I honestly don’t know how he does it, I guess I am afraid to die since I have been suicidal since I was 10. I can make anyone laugh, make […]
I’am too yong to talk about my experience in life i’am only 17 but i know a lot , i know that life is so hard cause i’am suffering . Every day i hate my life more cause i live a very miserable one . Sometimes i think that everyone hates me even my parents they allways hit me , my mother told me that she wish that i was dead or never born she dont talk to me well she do but just to tell me about the bad things that my father did . They dont sleep in the same room they dont […]
I posted the story of my father’s suicide and follow-up on my blog at www.pathwayseol.com. Having experienced 10 suicides of family and friends in my life, suicide became an option, a dark friend, during dark times, and that provided the strength to hold on since I did not want to leave that legacy. The good news is using this experience and knowledge has allowed me to be present without judgment in my work as a nurse, in hospice and now in end of life education. My focus is educating, especially when working with those with a progressive illness. Respond to the fears, provide a way to […]
I can barely name these bizarre emotions I get. You could call it numbness mixed with lifted awareness. Like I’m not really here, but somewhere else. It happens to me quite often, these “detachments”. When these occur, my memory tend to get worse. I can’t remember what happened when, and I get confused easily.
I feel like I’m riding this crazy train of thoughts that will eventually take me to hell. Oh I think about many different things, not all are bad, but I get lost in the montage of feelings. I know how to make this stop. Sleeping usually does the trick. But temporary stopping […]
Speaking from personal experience, I’ve come to the conclusion you can get yourself out of depression .. without therapy or antidepressants
I’ve made a lot of progress since late 2011 – early 2012 .. back then I was very depressed with suicidal thoughts
I felt depleted of energy throughout the day regardless of how long I had stayed in bed
I remember that one time, I tried doing pushups but couldn’t find the strength .. leaving this world was the one and only thing that truly resonated with me, everything else was just blah
these days, I feel good most of the time and I experience levels […]
I was twelve-years-old when I had my first thought about ending my life. I do not think that there was a specific event that triggered it. I think it was just an accumulation of many different events and circumstances that left me feeling helpless and completely out-of-tune to the world and my life. I did not have many close friends in school, and my family always seemed to jostle me back and forth with their demands and expectations. People saw me, but it did not feel like people took the moment to look back and actually acknowledge me and get to know me. As I […]
Well, it’s not getting any easier. Everyday seems to be more and more challenging. I think I’m at the end of my rope. Everyone just keeps saying time with heal everything, and it’s becoming a very annoying phrase to hear. Everyday I question my existence. I’ve wrote my not last week while at work. I’m leaving it in my box for access when I’m gone. I want to scream out for help so bad, but I know I can’t. It seems like a act for attention to most people. I’ve really only told one person that I considering it. And once again, I get told […]
Sometimes you have to stop listening to hear.
Today I found myself playing 8 distinct songs at once. Listening to a particular song in the sea of noise is actually quite easy. But when I tried to hear all at once, I couldn’t. As I tried to listen to each song individually, yet together, the more focused I became. And the more I failed. Soon songs, my hearing, became periodic and stuttered. Sure, I could hear a few songs together easily. But when I tried to pickup the fourth and fifth… Either I lost one of them or things became disjunct. I became bound by time […]
You complete me, T
I want to fill your ass with semen in it’s entire T.
Yes you inspire me, perhaps it’s your sensuali T.
Yes, you will see, it’s your oppourtuni T,
I need to embrace thee. There is no shame in modes T,
I need to say what is true to me. You are the pinnacle of sexuali T.
I will be your tree, anchored with roots of stabili T.
Whether you are he or she, I will stay by you for eterni T.
I love you to the the 3rd degree, and all of your ecentrici T
So come let’s be free from the restraints of socie T
Live with me in […]
My life is defined by fear. What am I afraid of? That I will never feel happy, peaceful, or content. That I will never experience love, or form any kind of real connection with another person. That I will never see this world, or my life, as truly meaningful.
Why do I fear these things? Experience. It’s been so many years since I felt ok with reality. Since I got a good nights sleep. Since I had a good day. I can’t imagine anything that would make this life seem ok. I can’t imagine anyone ever being able to accept me as I truly am (pathetic, […]
joiner theory of suicide
According to the interpersonal-psychological theory, the desire for death by suicide results from the confluence of two interpersonal states: perceived burdensomeness and thwarted belongingness. While feelings of burdensomeness and low belongingness may instill a desire for suicide, they are not sufficient to ensure that desire will lead to a suicide attempt. Indeed, in order for this to occur, the theory suggests a third element must be present: the acquired ability for lethal self-injury.
Do any of you have something or an experience you want? A dream you had once? Small ones or big ones?
I want to see my best friend live a happy life. Maybe have some of my poetry published. Move to NZ and have a child.
If I could.
If you were healthy, what would you do?
Why was I born,why do I have to experience a lifetime of hell, before I say it I know there are people who are a worse than me. But I don’t know.!
I realized that life is comprised of snapshots Which our children will look at one day and reflect upon with wonder.Never knowing, never seeing the internal chaos and outward rioting craziness that filled the days and nights, trying to suppress the void and make sense of the senseless emptiness that is living. They will never know, because by the time they have enter this world we have already moved on from our unsure footing to more stable ground, It will in turn be our job to try and teach them the rights and wrongs, and do our best to prevent them from making our same […]
I tried to commit suicide 3 months ago. I survived. I hated the fact that I couldn’t get it right. Now 3 months later I am more excited about my life and the future than I have ever been before. I booked myself into a mental health institute for 2 weeks after my suicide attempt and I learned more than I can imagine about myself…and more importantly how to cope. My situation has worsened in the past 3 months yet I no longer feel the urge to end it all. I have a strong urge to survive and put my experience to good use.
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