i’ve done it. i’ve made the decision to end my life. though tears are running down my face, i couldn’t be happier. i feel so peaceful, genuinely happy. a feeling i’ve never felt inmy life before. i’m not giving up, i’m just giving in. for years i’ve felt like an empty shell, being carried by the river out to sea to be drowned and i don’t mind. i don’t really want to die, i suppose, i just want to rest my head. i’m okay with it, i accept this situation. may my body be the last i see and my heartbeat the last that i […]
Tag:
Face
Before I begin with my story, let me just say that I’m staring death in the face and I’m at the end of my pitiful rope. It’s a long story so please get comfortable. At the very end, is a letter to my love.
September 25, 2010 – The day my life would change forever.
I had been talking to this girl I liked for a while now, we had a lot in common, so we set up a movie date. September 25 was our first date. She looked beautiful that summer night. I remember what she wore, how her hair was, and most of all, that […]
Before I begin with my story, let me just say that I’m staring death in the face and I’m at the end of my pitiful rope. It’s a long story so please get comfortable.
September 25, 2010 – The day my life would change forever.
I had been talking to this girl I liked for a while now, we had a lot in common, so we set up a movie date. September 25 was our first date. She looked beautiful that summer night. I remember what she wore, how her hair was, and most of all, that long hug she gave me when I first walked up […]
Everyday of my life is to please everyone else. But for every fake smile i put on my face to fool the stupid people i see, the more i die inside. I cant take it anymore. Being the “nice guy” never helped me with anything. I always have girls tell me “You’re way to nice”, and i ask “Is there something wrong with that?”, and they always say “Nah, i just wish i had a guy like you”. Well why dont they ever want me? They always say they want a nice guy, but then they go after the big douche bag that treats her […]
i dont think i cant do this anymore,i have to phisically confide my self inside my apartment or i will run, i will leave, and the cops will catch me, the only way people wont be able to control me anymore is if i kill myself,they will never let me off commitment,i will never get to move to california,i cant live like this for the rest of my life,all i think about is california, or getting recommited then taking sleeping pills and laying on the rail road tracks,and no the train driver would never know he hit me cause it would be dark outside,im going […]
My life is so miserable because my parents are separated and my mom and dad doesn’t care about me anymore…. and I am so ugly that my classmates always laugh at my face and nobody wants to befriend with me because im ugly.I dont have friends and i am very poor and everybody hates me because im too shy to befriend with them and they always tease me and embarass me infront of my classmates.When i look at the mirror i always cry because im so ugly that nobody wants to be with me even my parents laugh at may face, im an outcast.I always […]
I have no real complaints, I have a job, no mortgage, no dog, no loans no-one depending on me. I have low self esteem and little or no self worth, I am a perfectly functioning person so long as I don’t have to talk to anyone. On those glorious days when I can go about my business with not an utterance falling out my mouth, not a single bit of eye-contact. I thrive. I live in a city though. Where it is extremely difficult to avoid everyone.
When interaction, is unavoidable, I regress into my shell arms legs and head in short, turtle like. I become a […]
She walked forward.. things rushing through her head.
shes one out of 7 billion people….
her long hair swiveling as she moves..
no face is seeen… only her back.. she keeps walking..
they call her name.. so she starts speed walking..
they call her again and she starts running..
she screams…. as she holds the knife…
she turnss her head….
full of tears and bloood.
full black eyes… pale with trembling lips..
and then EVERYTHING BLACKS OUT..
is she dead? maybe… is she in  a mental hospital probably..
Hate, depression, constant crying, constant suicidal thoughts, constant self-harm. Who am I? I wish I could remember but the image of who I used to be gets fuzzier, and fuzzier. Had I known I would feel such loneliness in the future, I would have ended my life on that faithful April 27, 2006. I’m surrounded by many who claim to love me, yet in my mind I’m trying to deal with the fact that I’ve been abandoned by everyone. Maybe I have and everyone is just pretending to be nice, all I ever meet are extremely nice people, and I can’t help but love them. I […]
I saw the mist that day and it entranced me.
I went in not because I chose to be different, or I chose to be something else; I consciously was drawn to it, the mystique, the vapor, the aroma.
I left the group and went down the misty path. I loved it. Everything around me swelled up and was lost. Slowly I lost sight of where I came from. I wondered where I was going, who I was going to meet in this mist.
The beads of water fell onto my face. The cold bit my nose ever so gently, the air was lively and dark. The lights […]
So I’ve thought a lot about why my incessant mind always draws me back to ending it.  I’ve been down that thought pattern too many times to know that it accomplishes nothing.  Every time I get to the breaking point, I can’t help but consider my family and those who know me.  They hold my hand back simply by knowing I exist.  I never decide to stay here for myself, but selfishness is so tempting.  To imagine an eternal sleep that never involves the harsh ups and downs that life causes.  That’s why I really do love the “to be or not to be” soliloquy from Hamlet.
I don’t suffer […]
I’ve been wanting to address this idea for at least a few days now. I know that I am not going to recover and that redemption is not by any means guaranteed. I almost feel sorry for people that feel that way since it can be a real set up for disappointment and for me not worth pursuing. Truly I can’t tolerate any more disappointment I’d rather just be satisfied with the beating I’ve taken, the fact that I lost.
I would just say “Yes, Steve, you lost.”
Does anyone hate the term “man up” as much as I do? I mean no one can really measure how much physical or emotional pain another human being is in and so all they say as advice and support when you’re in pain is “man up” like the pain isn’t real, like we’re not trying to feel better. Why can’t people just say nothing instead of saying potentially harmful things like “man up”. Don’t you think I’d pull myself out of this darkness and despair that I’m feeling if I could? All I’m asking for is a little help and the advice that gets thrown […]
I never understood why people write letters before killing themselves. It always seemed sort of unnecessary and selfish to put the ones that stay under a letter apologizing why they did what they did because why did they do it in the first place? So I never understood why, until now. They write because it’s the last goodbye, it’s their last attempt to say they love who’s staying and they are sorry they couldn’t find a way out… They know it’s gonna hurt who’s reading it, they do, but they have to write it. It’s like when an old man decides to reveal his last […]
Years of harsh action will explode into one nasty reaction. Happens all the time. Lets all go out in style, make some noise, it’s our exit party. Start a new urban legand with your departure, be creative
it feels like i just cant grip on to life,i remember sitting there like it was just yesterday,sitting down rocking back and forth having my arms rapt tight around my stomic from such intence hunger pain, in a cold basement with concrete floor an unfinished ceiling were you could tie a rope around a pipe and the other end around your neck and hang yourself, like i tempted to at age 14,i had noone, they finally put a bed down there after 6 months of me sleeping either outside somewhere or inside on a filthy moldy couch that had holes in it and smelt like […]
My face shows no weakness
My body stands strong
but my soul, through the deepness
constantly longs
For a hero to come
come and rescue me
yet, I know there is no one
there’s no one here to see
The pain I always feel
lasting all this while
to know this hurt so real
can be hidden with a smile
~Fallenangel33
I’ve never been bullied before as much as i do now . what did I do to that it’s ok to hurt me. I am already hurting emotionally, good job for making it even harder. This guy always shakes me or touches my hair or my face. Yeah I laugh to make myself feel better. But I just want to cry and makes me feel pathetic that I can’t just make him stop. Usually when he would do something to me I would tell him stop (even though he doesn’t) but this time I didn’t say anything. It happened. I just wanted to cry and […]
I feel like my life has been a blur..a blur I didnt want to acknowledge until I realized its eating me inside and im basically dead already. I am ashamed of myself and I cant speak to ANYBODY about this. I dont want to die.. but i dont want to exist either. I dont want to exist because there is not a day im not reminded of the torture and abuse i had to withstand and have never been able to share with anybody. I was sexually abused and molested when i was a kid..for several years. I was confused. I didnt know what was […]
Please don’t leave.
Don’t be like everyone else, making false promises and saying you’ll always be there
only to disappear
Be the one I can see when I turn my head, looking back at me with a reassuring smile
or the one that is on the side stage, cheering me on as I face the world
The one holding my hand as we walk through the crowded streets.
The one.
Don’t leave me hanging
as you get distracted by another situation and go to see what it is
to come back a second too […]