what i sacrifice when i turn my back for just a second

it feels like i just cant grip on to life,i remember sitting there like it was just yesterday,sitting down rocking back and forth having my arms rapt tight around my stomic from such intence hunger pain, in a cold basement with concrete floor an unfinished ceiling were you could tie a rope around a pipe and the other end around your neck and hang yourself, like i tempted to at age 14,i had noone, they finally put a bed down there after 6 months of me sleeping either outside somewhere or inside on a filthy moldy couch that had holes in it and smelt like stale ciggarrett smoke and dog, my step dad said he was gonna make me sleep on the couch for another year, i didnt have a room,my mom just moved in and everyone els had a room but me, i watched them eat and i couldnt take it, i was told to starve to death, that i was a worthless ***** and i dont deserve nothing, getting glass bottles thrown at my head,i remember doug and karen spitting in my face pushing me and the ***** taking me by my hair and screaming (i hate you) in my ear, till my ear rung and i felt terrible, i said i was going to kill myself then and doug my step dad took me and pushed me down to the ground and up against a wall and called me a *****, they just wouldnt stop, i finally got away and ran, i slept in a dog house in someones back yard,it was freezing, 3 years later, doug died, it will be three a couple days after my birthday, i pretend he hears me and say, (ya im not worth it? look whos still alive and whos not *****!)three years later in a couple months, i never thought i would live past 18,either my mom was gonna kill me by the way she said she would or the way she abused me , or i was gonna kill myself,,,my life isnt were i want it to be, but at least i can hide in my apartment all day and avoid people,i get lonley, but why would i want to be around people, especially someone that tried to kill me as a kid,pain always comes and visits me but i know it does to remind me im still alive, im still gonna have to fight, im not in a perfect world and i cant forget it,i have scars on my body i just want to go away, but they just remind me, what happend to me happend, and its more then scars that wont let me forget,but atleast now i know how not to treat people, to treat someone less the humane is sick,my whole life i was brain washed into believeing i was mentally ill,but when truth comes to show , you grow up and look back just to see how fucked up you were treated, you get beat, told your worthless, you go to school, and act out on a sence of taking all that abuse in, you get lables thrown at you like a target, in fact you become a target,then you skip school cause kids beat you to or bully you so bad and you just want a break,so you tell everyone you want to be alone, then more labels, just for anything, you cry your bipolar, but one day these mother fuckers are going down,i mabey worthless, but i been through to much and had to go on this far to let some ***** get away with hurting me and taking away apart of my life ill never get back. anyone who can relate knows wen u been pushed around and stept on your whole life, there will come a point when u will put your foot down and defend yourself, the humane can only take so much torcher, i have a plann and noones ever gonna be able to hurt me again