The small criss cross across my wrist
Nobody notices
Nobody cares
The small criss cross across my wrist
I want the the relief
I need the relief
Of the small criss cross across my wrist
Tag:
Fear
be straight up I suppose…. My names Serena , I’m in 7th grade at Bemidji Middle School , I have a smile on my face most of the time(= , but everybody knows im ‘depressed’ , because …. I cut myself , a lot… my legs , my arms , my wrists , my stomach…. It make’s me feel better. I don’t know what else to do! , I ALWAYS get called a ; HOE , WHORE , **** , ***** , FAT , UGLY , WORTHLESS , ATTENTION WHORE , DUMB , BOYFRIEND STEALER , etc.. It sucks , a lot , I don’t […]
I don’t want to be dead. I’m suicidal, and I recognise this fact. I think about killing myself the way other people think about what they’re going to have for breakfast. I don’t want to die, I just can’t face the fear and the despair that always return to my mind. It gets to the point where I can’t see any other alternative.
I’ve tried to kill myself a lot of times, 16 to be exact, and I’ve always failed. My last two attempts were definitely the most serious, and both almost ended my life. The first I ended up with multiple organ failure; the last I jumped […]
Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
Nature has fixed no limits on our hopes.
Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
Hope is nothing but wishful waiting.
Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.
Hope is the little voice you hear whisper “maybe” when it seems the entire world is shouting “never!”
Hope is the upside of despair.
Hope is not the last to die but the dream is.
The miserable have no other medicine but only hope.
Beware how you take away hope from […]
So many of my problems in adulthood stem from the bullying by the same guy from Kindergarten to Junior High. In Junior High, he got an accomplice who was even meaner. School was hell. I never told anyone, and it’s for the best because who would have done anything to the rich popular kid? Sure I should have been stronger; I should have yelled at them rather than cower in fear. It’s a satisfying visual turning around as they followed me and said cruel things and yelled, “What in the hell is wrong with you cowards?” God I wish I […]
I’m not sure when I stumbled upon this blog by accident; before or after decided to take my own life and almost went through with it. I do know that reading these stories helped, perhaps just a tiny bit. I want to thank the people who put this site together. I was in a really dark place and hearing other people’s stories made me feel like at least I wasn’t alone. All day, every day, I’m surrounded by people who are nice, but who just wouldn’t get it. And I don’t want to tell any more people about it for fear of pushing them away. […]
Over the course of my short 26 years of life, I have attempted suicide on no less than 8 occasions.
From the age of 11, I was bullied at school, tormented and tortured by grown men who’d wait for me after school and not to mention the troubles I was working through at home and struggling to admit the fact that I am gay, even to myself.
All of this plus a few other reasons landed me in therapy.
From the age of 11 onwards I saw one psychotherapist after another and I’ve been on so many medications that it’s hard to be certain of the exact number. […]
I do not want this. I want to be somewhere else. I understood I can’t deal with love. I can’t love, I can’t love the way you do. The way I love is: I live him/her, that means I should leave him/her alone so that person can be happy. When I feel the “I want to be with you” love it’s pretty weird, because all I want is just run away, I feel like I want to throw up.
My doubts have been confirmed; my dad is an alcoholic. He’s as depressed as I am, and he wants this back to normal. I miss being a […]
I want to do it, but like some people I have my reservations do to the simple fear: What if I fail. What if my suicide doesnt go smoothly, what if I mess up or half way through chicken out and its an unsuccessful suicide and I like.
I could live with the family knowing that I wasnt as happy as I appeared, and the disapointment of me not going to them. But would I get fired from work? I work in mental health, I deal with depressed and suicidal people all the time. We talk about what is worth living for and so on. I […]
The pain hurts so bad, my body feels like someones chrushing it, and i can barley breath. Once again im alone, depressed, and with many sharp objects all i have to choose. But i sit on my bed staring at the clock whispering one more minute as his voice screams in my head “it’s our secret”…..”you better keep it”
“Or i’ll kill you” i wanna scream fun back to my friends, but i’ve gone home for that night and again im alone, the pain is just to much as flashbacks push there way into my head. My heads throbbing and im shaking, it feels like someones […]
You take the knife and do no harm
But feel the blood drip down your arm
You realize something
It’s all about the pain
You’re on a quest to find some there
To feel anything, anyone, anywhere
But you already knew that
You just don’t understand why you can’t get past it
It’s not about the hurt
It’s not about the hate
It’s not about what you can’t explain
It’s not about what you’ve done
Not about the punishment
It’s all about the pain
Just trying to feel something
I’ve been down the road before
Sometimes I’m still there
Rip out my heart as I cut up the […]
You disappear…
What have I done to deserve this?
I’ve always been the good child. The one who would eat all their veggies, do their homework, listen to their parents, do well in school and sports and yet I’m always the one at fault. Reading some of these posts, I really have no right to complain about my life because others have it worse than I do. I grew up with both parents, I’m healthy, and we don’t have to worry about money. What more could I ask? All I’ve wanted, was to have someone to love me or care for me. Unfortunately, some things in the […]
I lie awake at night and i think back when i saw razor blades and i was tempted to buy one. But i decided not too. I look back and think to myself “Why did not I buy it? Why did i stop myself” And i thought to myself there are no heroes, no one will save you from your depressing life. You have to be your own hero and save yourself. Because no one else will, and no one else will try, and as i lay here in bed i think to myself ” I am my own hero and I will save myself”
If I told you would you understand? If I told you what I’ve done, would you love who I am? I chose the wrong things in everything, choosing nothing in the end. Run, run, running away. Sleep, dream, waiting for the good just to fall into my hands. Love left me in its dust, lust drove by and picked me up. It forced me back to my feet by cutting out my heart and leaving my soul to die. I tried to find the answers in half truths, but they only told me lies. I tried to kill my pain but each cut brought it […]
As much as I push people away, it might not seem like it but one of the things I hate the most is being alone. I hate the constant silence and the asphyxiated feeling of being on my own with my thoughts. I have to contemplate everything all by myself.Â
There is nothing to distract me, no one to provide answers. I often lie awake at night repeating the words, “I’m scared” over and over in my head. It’s not like the fear that comes from watching a horror movie. It’s the fear of knowing that I will always be this way. I can never escape […]
There was a chill in the wind that night, one like no other.
The darkness made it hard for sight, but I knew it was my  brother.
The strength of his grip, the frame of his stature;
As he grabbed my hips, before IÂ knew it I was captured.
My throat went dry, I couldn’t scream.
I tried and tried, but the harder it seemed.
Next thing I knew, an unfamiliar place; unsure of what to do, clothes were disappearing at fast pace.
My face turned white, I couldn’t shift.
Frozen in fright, thinking did IÂ deserve this?
Down my cheek, the first tear rolls.
As he proceeds, my mouth he holds.
“Our little secret” he whispered […]
It’s a struggle having to hide my depression for fear of being judged. I feel like most people wouldn’t be able to understand depression which is understandable because how can you understand what you haven’t gone through? but I feel that because I feel as though I’m going to be judged by other people I’ve become very closed-off and that has played a part in some of my problems today like why I don’t like meeting people, why I don’t trust people, why I have anxiety and self-esteem issues,etc. . It really hurts me that I feel like I can’t be open about my depression […]
He was there with me, we were doing what we usually do, having fun by being with eachother. It was all i wished for, hes a gentleman. Hes happy to see im happy. I have to push, ask for a hug, i feel hes body warmth and heart beating. Im on his chest, were smiling to one another, talking. We get up, keep talking, smiling, living the moment, like 2 children who love to play together… Somehow we end up close, faces too close and i cant resist, he feels it and we kiss. It was so sweet, so wanted, his kiss felt like that. […]
I see you look at me
The black and white of your eyes
You cannot truly see
It is all truth or lies
No in-between
There is no gray
Do you really know what I mean?
Each is a monochrome day
It’s all white or black
You live or you die
You can’t take it back
Why try?
It’s all the same
Who laughs and who cries
Who cares who left and who came
At least, in your checkerboard eyes
I must turn away now, for fear
Of you, of us, of me
I turn away from the mirror
I cannot see
I have my plan in place, I’ve always tried by pills with no success.  Wed I plan to go in front of a train. I have a meeting and after the meeting it should be dark enough I can do so without being seen until it’s too late.  Right now there is no fear but I am sure when it comes I will feel scared. At least I will feal something. At least I can put all these suicidal thoughts to rest.  I plan on burning all my print journals and closing all my social accounts wed morning. I don’t know if I want to […]