3 years ago, i started having really bad stomach aches. i was stuck in the house for 5 months, and my best friend moved away. i had tons of tests, but the doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong. by the end of that summer, i was extremely depressed and started cutting myself. when that school year started, i forced myself to play a sport (which i became very good at) and the pain kind of dissipated. i lost about 20 pounds, and I’m already tiny as it is, so i was down to about 85 pounds. when the physical pain sort of stopped, the […]
Tag:
frightened
the pendulum sways
one weight rises
the other falls
but where is the cuckoo?
the hands slowly move
the hours come
and the hours go
but where is the cuckoo?
one thought makes me frightened
another turns my stomach
I pull my hair
but where is the cuckoo?
crawl out of my bed
turn on the light
go to the mirror
the damned cuckoo stares back at me
nias
Why do I keep saying soon but never now.
My problems are never going away so why do I keep putting off my suicide, why do I keep saying I’ll just do this or that first. Do I really want to die? well, yes and no; yes, I’ve had enough of my depressing life and this world, but no, I still wish things could work out for me, how can that ever be though, I’m an ugly, paranoid, stupid waste of space. I’m stuck with depression and social anxiety, and the cause of said problems, a body that, due to toxin build-up, has created something horrible […]
Hello. My name is Bill and I’m 45 y/o.
This is the first time I have spoken to anyone about this, but I feel compelled to right now.
My life began falling apart about 7 yrs ago, and has continued to worsen to the point where I feel the end is near.
I had it all. Married. Great job and career. House. Cars, financially stable and moving up and forward. No kids though. Wife couldnt have kids. Then, in the course of a few weeks I lost everything. Lost my job. Two weeks later, wife left me unannounced. Saw neither coming. Lost everything in divorce. […]
Tonight I’ve realised how utterly alone I am, think I’ll cry myself to sleep thinking of love that’ll never be, I’m so lonely, so frightened of the future.
I am frightened of what tomorrow will bring. I wish I had a cyanide cap.
The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won’t let go of your life; your memories, your attachments. They burn ’em all away. But they’re not punishing you, he said. They’re freeing your soul. […] If you’re frightened of dying and holding on, you’ll see devils tearing your life away. But if you’ve made your peace then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the Earth
My family doesn’t know that I’m gay. In fact, they think I’m straight. Sometimes it seems like they try to push sexuality on me. It’s weird. They say that I should get a girlfriend, get married, have kids, and all that shit. I tell my parents that I don’t want to get married or have children and they don’t believe me. They think that just one day, I’ll meet the right girl.
To be honest I’ve never been kissed, held hands with, or hugged someone romantically. In fact, I try to avoid touching people. Relationships seem so foreign to me. I see a lot of people […]
For as long as I remember I was frightened. I feared other people as I wasn’t nearly as good as any of them. Then I joined the military and I was more scared. But then I started drinking and the fear left me. Being gay in a straight world (and a drunk) is not healthy. I was very frightened others would find out I was gay. My gay relationships were few – with occasional encounters – and after each encounter I feared people would know and I would have to leave the military. I never talked about my sexuality. Then through my alcohol addiction and a “disastrous” night I was […]
back to my homeplace and I do not the feelings I should. I am not excited or even remotely happy about it. I am frightened. I have the usual, “common”, yet unrealistic anxiety about the actual flight itself. Its the other things I am worried about too. About running out of medication, about having an anxiety attack, about not being able to sleep, about having alcohol, about losing my mind by not having routine, not doing enjoyable activities, having to lie about who I am because my family won’t accept me. I took the vacation in the first place because I needed to escape my […]
I just can’t leave her. I have but I always come back to her, crawling begging for forgiveness as if I have done some unforgivable deed. I came to the realization this morning that I am frightened. That the emotional distress and pain I have felt whether it was her fault or not is not worth going through again and that for that reason I shouldn’t leave her. I told myself that if it needs to be this difficult, and I have already done it with her ( though it doesn’t get any easier), why should I have to do it all over again […]
I myself am not well but I am with someone who is bipolar and I guess I thought against all odds, we would make it. Things used to be worst. I was there though, I held her fucking hand the entire time although I was scared of her. She is a bit more stable now, but I don’t know. I guess I need to hear it from other people, who don’t know her, to tell me I shouldn’t be doing this with her. Her manic phases make me want to commit suicide because of how she makes me feel. I don’t want to sound […]
i’m feeling very unstable today. I don’t really know how to describe it. It’s like anxiety i guess, but without the active intensity part. I don’t feel “nervous” or “frightened” or anything like that… just very lethargic and scattered… like oppressively lethargic, to the point where i’d struggle to do anything physical at all. I should cut the grass, but i feel so… “weak and powerless,” and completely disinclined, like i just don’t give a shit. I’ll probably go do it right after this, and it’ll probably suck as much as i remember… but that’s not what’s stopping me. I don’t mind doing it, but […]
I’ve come around because everything has become too much. All I do is work all day to save meager wages that will do me no good. I come home tired to start my homework so that maybe I can earn a bit more cash someday. That’s my life: nowhere else to go, nothing else to do, no other purpose.
No, life isn’t about being adored, but all day, every day, everyone I come across looks down their noses at me and thinks I’m dumb, weird- just an all around loser. Even my mom. Each day ends and I cry because they’re right, they know me immediately. […]
Hello.
There are a few background things you might want to know. Firstly, I’m a clinical psychopath. This doesn’t make me a killer or a psycho, although it is generally a daily struggle to keep from being either. To me, the world is black and white; there exists, for me at least, no shades of gray. My parents have known about my condition and have actually by and large done an excellent job of raising me. I come from a privileged family and have had everything I have needed provided for me, within reason. I’ve worked to secure that which would not be provided, namely the […]
Is being kind such a bad thing?
Kind and caring; two traits I’ve been deemed with ever since birthed into this strange, cruel world.
It seems like a blessing, whatever that means, but feels ultimately.. like a curse.
When one lives for others they find no room for themselves; they’re squeezed out of their own personal schedules and discarded as if meaningless.
When someone feels this way.. how can they ever turn back?
I’m already gone from my mind; am I truly missing?
Or am I still somewhere in the vastness of my own memories..?
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Waiting […]