For the first time in a while, I was smiling. It wasn’t fake. I was okay. I had found some form of peace. Then I made one crucial mistake. I went to see my father. Of course. I couldn’t just leave well enough alone, could I? Now I’m right back where I started. Like all of the progress I’ve worked so hard to make has shattered in front of me. It was only a matter of time, but damn.. So soon?
Fuck it.
I’m Kat, I’m 19, I’ve suffered from psychotic depression and severe anxiety for 7 years. I’ve had a really rough upbringing, my father OD’d and disowned me when I was 15, I’ve had hallucinations and delusions since I was 3. Self harmed between ages 13 – 17. Suffered chronic joint pain since I was probably around 9. Have been on several medications. Dropped out of high school at 15. Been homeless. Been mentally and verbally abused by several people. Forced into consenting to sex. SO much. So much about my life fucking sucked.
March 13, 2014.
My boyfriend and I split up, I don’t know why. […]
Fuck man I’m feeling death take over my soul minute by minute today. Feel so weak. Agh goddamn. I should be past this. I should be this and should be that. I should’ve never been born. This life man – all its been is pain. What a ***** of a life. I wish i knew who or what I was in a past life so i could channel that identity’s strength into this one. Fuck.
So, I know I’m a terrible person to people I honestly hate, but as for the people who I try to be nice to and care for… WHY CAN’T YOU SPEND FIVE FUCKING MINUTES WITH ME. I really don’t understand how hard it is just to get off an Xbox, or take a few minutes after you get off work, or a simple moment when you get out of school just to talk to me or hang out with me. I mean…. I actually TRIED with you. Even after I gave up on everyone else, I stuck with YOU. Not him or her, not the […]
Im done. Im finished. Theres nothing left more me. No more energy, no more strength and no more will power. Through the most stupid shit my life ended. Im a shell. Im dead inside. Im sick of feeling like this. I don’t possess the balls to off myself, all I can do is pray that someone kills me. Its not hard and I won’t be missed. Fuck heaven and fuck hell. I just want my pathetic blip to be wiped out. Fuck it im done!
When I was a freshman in high school. I thought graduating would be some type of exciting, overly overwhelming, and a burst of happiness moment. Well looks like I was wrong again, It’s the week of my graduation, my depression is back again, I’m not stable whatsoever financially or emotionally, my relationship w/ my boyfriend is most likely going to crumble within 2 months or so, I’m just very unhappy. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Now I’m here. Typing this bullshit. Fuck.
Straight locd to tha brain nigga. Fuck.
So done with you. Instead of just filing a customer complaint you decide to hound me down with personal insults? At least I won’t have to deal with this when I’m dead. Which is soon if all goes to plan and I can thank the school who gave me this ptsd for starting it, and you for finishing it.
Fuck this. Fuck you. ****.
The more I think about it the more I say Fuck this world! Sure there is much beauty on this planet but then it is vivaciously obscured by the undignified injustices that occur daily as they have been for centuries. The greed, governmental corruption, theft, intentional misleading by our elected officials just so that they can fulfill their own agendas and Fuck the next guy; have greatly distorted my perceptions of the beautiful life that is painted for us as children!!! I guess that’s called “reality.” The beauty of this planet is one thing (another existence that we as humans are slowly destroying as well) […]
you. You think I’m fine. You think I’m happy. You see me smiling, But have you ever noticed that it never reaches my eyes? Don’t fucking tell me how much you care about me. You’ll be gone by morning. That’s fine. I don’t expect to be anything more than a quick lay. I don’t expect to mean anything to you. What you don’t see is that I’ve fucking lost it. I’m clinging to reality with all that I have, But my mind is so far gone. You couldn’t possibly imagine the things that I see when I close my eyes. You would run the other […]
I swear to god, I don’t understand why shit still gets to me. As fucking repetitive as my life is you would think I’d be used to it by now. Fuck. Why?
Lost my last friend today
No family no friends all goneeeeee
No reason to live
Im worthless friends always leave me for a reason
Fuck it alllllll
Last day tomorrow.
Going to go for a walk in the morning, maybe take the dog out.
I’ll get my haircut. I feel all unkempt.
Might have a shave, might not. Only shaved a couple of days ago.
I’m just going to spend the afternoon sitting in the garden, staring at the sky.
Even if the heavens open, I’ll be out there.
Like some lonely sentry, guarding his post to the last man.
I think about how far I’ve come in the past two years.
And I realize I’m right back where I started.
Fuck.
Knuckle dragging apes! They’re all the same. You try to be an equal but they make better targets!!!:-)
Here lately it seems like everything is going wrong. I’m having to fork out hundreds of dollars I don’t have on shit that shouldn’t be breaking. Appliances, computers, car, etc. everybody keeps fucking telling me “God only gives you what you can handle.” Well ya know what? Fuck that shit. I can’t handle being so damn broke I’m now thousands in debt. I can’t handle wondering if I’m gonna have enough left after fucking bills to feed my child. I can’t fucking handle people telling me this shit. I can’t fucking handle people telling me to be grateful. Fuck. I am grateful for the things […]
I have this suicidal thoughts and It’s horrible and ironic and hilarious because I’m going to die and I’m thinking of killing myself! I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I don’t have a future, why waste this months? I feel so stupid because of this.. still don’t know where my mom is, she don’t give a shit about me hahha I’m so alone, I know you are going to tell me I’m not but I feel that way and It’s so stupid. S.O.S
4 Years into t.b.I., still cognitive with some motor skill damage to my right side just got shot down from my union welding job as an engineer after getting certified and feeling like life is fighting me!!! Loving drugs, pissings away government funds I’d rather (and am capable of) make on my own and pay taxes on… Fuck this shit – live on your dime, do cocaine when I can afford it, smoke mad weed and consume as much alcohol as I can take. My choice (if it comes down to it) is suicide by cop, I hope I can kill at least 1 before […]
I’m slowly dying mentally each and every day. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’ve tried so hard to look past my physical deformities and and see the “good” in people but it has gotten me nowhere. I just want to die. Today, tomorrow what the fuck ever. Days are the same. My last words before I die will be, “Fuck this place.” It’s decided, I will die of suicide. I’m a little ashamed because I promised my mom I wouldn’t.. but truthfully and honestly…. FUCK THIS PLACE!
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