Today is my best freinds birthday.
I couldn’t leave her alone on her birthday.
I have been thinking of suicide for So long, i was finally got the courage to do it.
But i thought, if i left my best friend, a day before her birthday.. she would kill herself to.
She is amazing.
I have just been going through such a hard time right now, and i honestly can’t live this lie anymore.
I’m so fucking scared to be happy. I’m scared of faking a smile. I’m scared to live. I’m scared to die. I’m scared to be alone.
I cut all the time. […]
Tag:
Fucking
So (by someone on this site) I just got called ungrateful trash and that it wouldn’t matter if i died. Ummmm I have no fucking respect for someone who says something like that, especially on this site.
I always make schedules.
According to my schedule I had to have readen all three books I needed to read for the two exams I had. According to my schedule I had to finish them last friday. Which was possible if I wasnt just a complete ****.
I already decided to do only one exam because I thought that would be easier and I would at leats get to finish reading for 1 subjct. And I cant. I cant get to finish it. And its not even that hard.
According to my schedule I was supposed to start studying an hour ago. And I didnt do it. Because […]
Never know what to say when starting a new topic, so I suppose I typing this just to clear my own head.
All I seem to do is yoyo back an forth, one miniute I wanna save the world. Truly believe I can do it. Failing isn’t an option, by failing it would mean iv lied to myself for so long, about everything I believe. Peole tend to think that a small group of people can’t change the world, when it fact there the only people that ever have. And I believe that with every cell in my body.
Then in the next cold shallow […]
In all my life, I’ve been strong, my father died, my mom left me, I had eating disorders. And I got over everything, but now I just can’t anymore! My grandma doen’t talks to me because Iof his brother, he almos raped me! And she doen’t even know, and if I told her, she wouldn’t believe me cause she loves him more than she loves me she trusts him, he told her I was rude, liar, and that I was on drugs, and she believed, now looks like I’ve been kicked from my own famil. So, I had to move (I left my soulmate in […]
i dont fucking know anymore. and idont know why. idk why i get up in the morning. idk how i continue with this charade. i dont know how to continue pretending this life is worth living. idk if i will go throu with it but i shure as hell cannot continue. And i dont know if there is reason good for my suffering. Idk if there even needs to be. Idk if that even matters. Idk if any of it even matters. But if theres one thing i do know its that no one else knows either
So catch me if you can motherfuckers, […]
I think i’ve finally had enough, I think i maybe think too much, I think this might be it for us….
by Nat....
written by Nat....
(Blow me one last kiss)
So Hi! :3
Lol. They wanted to take me back to hospital today.. And I finished all of my colouring pages. Then destroyed some with black crayons and random scribbles of what I think are meant to be words.
I keep thinking it’s my fault.. Just seeing her screen name is enough to start a breakdown. It’s physically impossible for me to have done that.
I don’t think I can take much more of this, And the fucking pretending is driving me insane. I can’t do that anymore, I’m going to break soon.
Well, As I always say.. I’m a broken toy. A little Teddy-bear, […]
How and where do I start this story?
Well I am 37 years of age and have nothing to show for life, I am homeless and broke and I am honestly at the point where I cant take any more.
Over the last 5 years I have been diagnosed with ME/CFS which I fight everyday, I have had a marriage breakd down, I have had a miscarriage to deal with, an abortion I knew nothing about. Redundancy, attempted suicide, break down of another relationship, my parents disowned me now I am homeless and broke. I also think I may have an alcohol problem as I cant get through a day […]
Because Birthdays are supposed to be special, the make me feel more empty.
People always do nice things with their friends. I dont have anyone to do nice things with, even if I wanted.
The only people who have congratulated me were the ones here. That is just pathetic.
You would think there would be at least one person in my actual life that gives a shit.
In other news: my D-day is coming soon and I feel like I still need to do so much. But what? I mean really, there is not much I need to do before offing myself. I am a cowardly ****. If I […]
Stand fast, Hold your ground, You’re doing great kid, Can’t you hear the crowd, Everyone’s singing, Yeah you’re singing with me….
by Nat....
written by Nat....
I remember, The Tuesday before I got admitted.. I was walking down a street going to buy a rope. I looked across the street and this old couple were walking together.. Apart from he was in a wheelchair hooked up to what looked like oxygen. It was a sad sight.. But I kept going.. To see a mother with her children.
All just got me thinking. And now? I’ve found out something else that has literally driven me crazy. I just want my happy back.
Stop blaming yourself Nat, You couldn’t have possibly done that. Don’t listen to them.
You were doing great Nat, But nothing lasts forever, […]
Once there was a girl who had a very nice life. She lived in a nice place and had nice friends. People liked having her around because she was fun and funny. Some people even thought she was pretty. Some people wanted a relationship with her.
But nobody knew when she was alone the dark places she went. Wishing to be dead. And pain coursing through her body like an electric current. It rendered her crippled and convulsing at night alone with the thoughts and endless tears shed, and dark dark places too many to list and tears, Jesus fuck endless tears.
She wanted to spare her […]
My brother went to prison for selling herion, he used it himself too. He was so messed up. For two fucking years. I was 9 when he started using, I didnt know what was going on. But when I was 11 he went to prison, my mom sat me down and told me what was going on. I cryed legitamently for 2 weeks. I skipped school for 2 weeks. I was so scared and I just didnt know what to do. It deffinitly made me change, it made my whole family change. My parents have to raise one of his kids and his wifes parents […]
And all the stories you can say, All the ways that you deceive, Will never stop me getting through, I will fight my way to you….
by Nat....
written by Nat....
So this week has been pure shit. I mean, Suicidal thinking shit. Obviously.
First, I just haven’t been my self this week. I’ve been a blend of the the bad Nat’s that we know and love :3 Secondly, Thursday was 27/9/12 (The ‘day’ that the voices have been talking about for months) Nothing bad happened on that day because I didn’t go into school… Friday however was by far the worst day of the week.
So Friday- Woke up feeling okay, did all my routines. Did break down a bit third lesson but I brought myself back from it. Cue fourth lesson. I got a facebook message […]
Are you afraid of being alone? ‘Cuz I am. I’m lost without you. Are you afraid of leaving tonight? ‘Cuz I am. I’m lost without you….
by Nat....
written by Nat....
I have the worst fucking headache ever. 🙁
Today during first lesson, I got this amazing feeling. Y’know, That feeling of ‘everything is going to be okay’? Well, it’s gone now. It’s been replaced with hopeless despair and the slight sickening thoughts of ‘This could all be over’ are slowly creeping into my mind and taking over. I’m afraid of being alone.. I’m really afraid. I don’t want to be alone…
I really want to have something new to say, But I don’t. I have nothing. Same old shit about this broken toy that you’ve all read before.
My OCD is getting worse, A fuck load worse. And […]
I can’t take it anymore! All that’s left for me in life is a gun. I’m never going to acomplish anything in life, and even if I do, I won;t even begin to compare with my dear sister’s acomplishments. I don’t see the point in living if all that goes throught my head is depression and confusion. Confusuin to what I am. I know I like other girls, and my friends have accepted that, but am I bi or Lesbian. Bi is one thing, but would they accept lesbian? Not only that, but this is my last year of freedom. I’,m pretty much out at […]
Seems like it’s becoming a high priority again. Damn Eating Disorder…
Fuck swimming classes man. If it weren’t for having them every single day for two hours I could of had the chance to starve myself. I want to die, but I don’t want to die drowning. I’m pretty sure that’s an unpleasurable experience. When I was anorexic, I was 5’5 and 98 lbs, that was back in Dec.-Nov. 2011. 10 months have passed since then, today I finally had to weigh-in in school. Of course I had clothes on, and I weighed myself naked as anorexic. The scale popped out at 132lbs. My heart sunk, […]
When I start cutting again I always wonder why the hell I stopped.
by christina--
written by christina--
It feels so good to cut so deep in your skin that it wont stop bleeding for hours.
I love the feeling afterwards. When the wounds are trying to heal but because youre wearing clothes it keeps on opening again.
I love the way it stings everywhere when I move to remind me what a disgusting piece of trash I am- as if I could forget that.
I love seeing the blood slide down my body.
When I only look at my blade alone I smile. I cant help but smile while I cut myself.
Why would I not smile? This is what I enjoy […]
“We Only Arrive At Ourselves In A Freely Chosen Death” Jean Améry
by Bodhisattva
written by Bodhisattva
“I have tried to view it from the interior of those who call themselves suicidal or suicidesâ€.
( Words from Jean Améry )
I just wanted to recommend this book which i know will be of interest to many of you,
I have found it quite difficult & frustrating to find serious, intelligent & quality critiques or books on other point’s of view about Suicide & this subject overall, as all i keep becoming drowned in is only the fucking Utilitarianism & Christian Inspired Philosophy which is very annoying & frustrating,
Anyway i hope some of you will check it […]
Instead of trying to achive something I rather smoke weed and not think about anything. I dont even know what I’m afraid of. People. I’m pathetic.
I told myself I would work since I have about 1000 euro in Debt. Instead I’m just sitting here, numb. Not wanting to do anything. Im fucking pathetic.
I was supposed to start my new job next week. I called and emailed them. No response. Im guessing they dont want me anymore. Must be because I’m ugly as fuck.
I feel betrayed by someone I miss deeply. I hate it when people dissapear, without any clue. Id rather have someone telling […]
I knew this would happen, I fucking knew it. Promises don’t count once the relationship ends, do they?
I promised Luis then when this time came I wouldn’t kill myself. But I really can’t take this anymore, Today was the first day back to school and the first thing to happen was one of my really bad headaches. :I Then during second lesson and break I felt a mental breakdown coming. What pushed it over the edge was an email from a ‘Friend’ saying that he didn’t want to deal with a suicidal friend. Which is nice. And now.. Well, I’m fucking suicidal. I just don’t […]