there’s a hammer pounding on the back of her skull
spiders crawling underneath her skin
She roams this God Forsaken land
covered in scars not deep enough to fatally wound
hands curled up into fists holding her head
Trying to erase herself
The person that she loves cant even comprehend the complexity of her pain
disregarded, like always until its to late
tear stained pillows, snot nose, blood shot eyes
its like the snake of despair bit her
marking her with its venom
For everywhere she goes she snuffs out some kind of light, […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
to keep it brief, it’s been rough lately, and busy to the point where I cry from exhaustion when I’m not crying out of fear or desolation. Monday was the first time I’ve talked to my school counsellor, and I think I’ve found a safe place to absorb a little comfort. Confidentiality only goes so far, and if I tell him I’m suicidal he may be obliged to call my parents, but if I don’t tell him I doubt he could help me.
I sincerely hope you’re all doing okay.
Well after calling and waiting for a call back and calling and waiting for a call back and so on and so forth since fucking December, I tried calling the admissions office again today and still nobody picked up. Albeit I called around lunch but when else am I supposed to call? I rarely have any fucking time. Of course I tell my father about this and all he has to say is “I don’t think they want to talk to you anymore. You kinda let that ship sail.” when they haven’t TALKED to me ONCE since I got the application, and I haven’t heard […]
I know a girl
She draws on
her skin
with blades instead
of pens
It all began when
she was eight.
She wondered why?
Why would he look at her like that?
Why would she let him?
She often thought:
“She loves me”
But deep down
She knew
It was
A lie
She’s never loved her
And never will
The only one that
Truly loves her
Is Mr. Sharp.
He makes her happy.
He helps her forget about THEM.
When her skin
Rips open
And her demons
Come out…
Oh there’s no better
Feeling than that.
But the feeling goes away!
“NO! come back!” she yells.
But not even
Pain wants her.
And that hurts like hell.
People always believe
The “I’ll kill you” stare
And the “go away “routine.
Because nobody
really cares to
see what’s
left inside
To look into her eyes
And see her […]
I don’t know anything about you but I do think it will be a shame if you leave this world. Intelligent people gaze at the moon getting lost in the night. On the other hand, foolish people stare at the sun blinding themselves in the light. The sun starers think they are powerful but their blindness deludes them. As the saying goes, “knowledge is power.” One group can only see nothing but the other group can see everything. Do you know which group you are, Trix? From what I gathered, it’s the group that can see everything, However, you wish you were a part of […]
It’s true that for some people having a dream is wonderful. Pursuing that dream is the “vital support” that gives them the will to continue on, that gives them the strength to keep getting better and better, and with each day that goes on, they get closer to fulfilling it.
But what if you’re just not meant to fulfill that dream?… What if for whatever reason you simply don’t have the motivation to go on? What if something out of nowhere just holds you from fulfilling it?
Call it whatever you want to call it. Luck. Fate. I don’t believe in any of those things, […]
Is it so bad that i want to ended all. I mean who will even miss me? Not my family i know that for sure. but then why is it that every time i try it it feels like if i was doing something bad? I wish i had the courage of doing it. If i ever have the courage i hope the pain goes away immediately. I talked to my mom the other day and like always she just said it was my fault. I don’t know why i even picked up. Its always the same story with her. I shouldn’t allow hope, its […]
She’s gone from this…….
to this. This is what it looks like when all the life energy has gone
I sit here crying as I watch beside me my little girl dying before my eyes.
She is shaking […]
Spent $250 today on supplies for my exit.
Have booked in a days leave from work in two days time so I have the whole night and day by myself to pull this off.
I have tried before & failed. It was painful and i dont want to go through that again.
The method Ive chosen this time should be painless if all goes to plan.
Thoughts of my family keep trying to push their way into my brain, but I keep pushing them out . I know they will be OK & I know I simply can’t go on being me.
I’m a […]
The empty bottles have been scattered over the bedroom floor. The fridge, filled with sealed bottles that are ready to be drunk. The temptation of just grabbing a bottle after one bottle that has been emptied is too strong. He throws the emptied bottle across the room because he’s forgotten where the trash goes. He can only find the winding way to the liquor. He’s forgotten about the world. He’s been too lost in his own world to deal with the real world. His pain and desires just don’t match up anymore. Nothing is enough. His cravings and his sorrows deepens him with every step […]
I’m glad to be indoors for now and have food, but the cigarette smoke all ends up filling up in my room somehow and never goes away. And I can’t fall asleep when that’s all I’m breathing is cigarettes. I’ve even got my window open and the smell isn’t dissipating at all. X-(
A few decades ago, when I was still depressed but had more energy than I do now, before my health declined to the point where I became disabled…
I had a six-month internship in a mental hospital, working to become a music therapist.
I got to see all types of patients. Schizophrenic, Depression, Bipolar, Alzheimer’s, Psychotic… everything.
I can’t go into details because of confidentiality, but I remember one moment more than anything else.
There was one day when a new patient was admitted. He […]
So you think that, that’s it. I can’t handle anymore. My life is fucked up. I don’t want to live anymore. I want to die right now. And then you will try to make an attempt, in which you will obviously fail (99.99 % times) and some of you will even fail into making an attempt. You are in pain now but still alive. Now you will try to recover.
But then again something bad (this bad could be anything, some event in real life or just your real imaginary pain in your beautiful mind) will happen. And you will think that’s it. It’s enough. I […]
Thanks to everyone here for listening to me opening up and encouraging me throughout my stay at S.P.! You have helped make my time in this world less miserable. Taking one last look through your kind comments on my posts so far… Why can’t everyone be like you guys?
Anyway… As the title says… This may be ”it”…
Wrote the letter, got the ”equipment” ready and all that other shit, heheh… Now I’m just waiting to get the motivation to do it, which will most likely come tomorrow when I’ll yet again be reminded how big of a failure I am. Whelp… Here goes nothing…
By the way, […]
I got my dog back.
At least I think so. My ex just dropped her off at my parents’ house, barely saying anything to my mom. I assume this means she’s my dog again, because coming back to get her as if I were just babysitting- that would be so cruel and I don’t believe my ex could ever be cruel.
I’m thrilled to have her back, but confused to how I got her. It shouldn’t matter- I can’t get my ex to want to be with me again, so it shouldn’t matter what she thinks of me, right? Except maybe in terms of friendship, but that’s at […]
I am literally at my wits end. I can’t do it anymore. Why even live if you can’t even live your life? Literally stuck and not having a say. My dad has Alzheimer’s and he has to have care 24/7 and since I just got done with my classes and moved home (until I do my internship) I have to stay with him while my mom goes to work. She’s always like well you can watch him until I come home and then you can go to work. I would be fine with that but since I have been watching him for the past 4 […]
I’m twisting and turning in bed, hardly any sleep. Just thoughts of her constantly flowing in and out of my head, what we could of been, what I should of done – what i shouldn’t of done. I don’t know if anyone here has ever been through this … But I basically replace, she led me into believing we still had a chance, and god I was trying my best, but she planned it so perfectly just to hurt me. After 3 years and a half.. Those memories of us just so meaningless to her , that she can just go and sleep […]
I’m not sure why my 2 previous posts were deleted explaining my life story..
after days of endless sleep research and planning .. it is just a matter of time and when before I end it.if all goes well… I end peacefully I’m at a stage where I feel so numb and I just don’t care about anything or anyone. I don’t know how to explain this feeling of emptiness. I really don’t care for my existence anymore. On one hand I feel sorry for what I will put my parents and my brother through… But it’s not like they care much anyway .. […]
Hello,
I just recently came across this site as I was in a broken state. I’ve taken hundreds of online depression quizzes and all seem to say the same thing…that I am severely depressed. Every time I bring up being tested to my mom, she makes it seem like it’s a big joke and laughs. It has never once got through to her that maybe something is wrong with me. People talk about me, “friends” don’t want to hang around me, my mother claims im a long list of words such as: ugly, fat, a pig, stupid, attention seeker, drama, dumb ass, retarded….. the […]