Rapidly spiraling
down,
down,
always downward.
Never up.
Envisioning in my mind
of blood running down my arm
my face
my stomach
my legs & ankles.
Feelings of nothingness.
Wanting to cry, throw up,
and turn away with guilt and regret.
Suicidal Tendencies come forth,
beckoning and pushing me away
from the temporary refuge
I had inexplicably found in dreams.
Regrets pile up around me
little post-it notes on the walls
covered in despair and insanity.
Incomprehensible thoughts running through my head
screaming in agony I bleed
scarlet rivulets create a river of inconsistencies.
It all started at the beginning to high school, 9th grade.
I fit in perfectly, I made new friends everyday, hung out, went to parties, dated. Normal stuff that people would expect a normal teenager girl to do. But…I wasn’t exactly happy. Sure during the moment of all those parties and drinks and even experimenting with weed a few times (nothing I’m proud of anymore) I was happy. But after that adrenaline rush went away, and I sat in my bed looking up at my bedroom ceiling, I knew I wasn’t happy.
I guess I could say it started when I met Joe. He wasn’t someone that went to my […]
well, hi my name is Pia and i’m 14. It’s my first time that I write down .. my “stuff”. Â so I will just start how everything began.
i started first time cutting myself in 2009 i think, i wasn’t that long ago that my grandpa died. my mom changed, or i changed. i dont know. anyways my mom and me got big stress, i told her the first time that i hate her and i got the first time the feeling that i don’t belong here. I cut myself the first time.Â
From now on, i cut myself everytime when i got problems. When i cried […]
so, first off im happy today:) (but its night so that will change im sure.) but one thing is really annoying me and probably always will cause i will never understand what goes thru my friend’s mind.
he says his life will go dark without me (saying i die) cuz im his best friend and he has no one else..? ok cool. understand that. he says im amazig and the bestest friend ever? i dont believe it cuz i have proof im not: first, im not that nice i complain and get depressed and hes the ONLY one i talk to when i […]
I dont know how to start this. I feel head sick, my brain just never stops. everything is just going and going.it feels like its been years since i slept, like really slept, or woke up and felt like”todays he day”. my entire life i have always felt behind, like everyone in the world attended the”how to” of life, and i was late and missed it. sometimes i have dark thoughts, dark enough i wont put on here but they are terrifying. the thing that i dont get is i come from a good home. both my parents love me and my mom has done […]
I’ve gone through this site a bit.
I decided to join because it looks like there’s some hints of people succeeding.
I’ve never managed to complete an exit. I’ve tried to overdose, and hang myself, but somewhere along the way I get scared- I text someone I know in the back of my mind will come, or call someone who will. Someone who will talk me out of it and take care of me for a while.
Last time I overdosed I was  stuck in kid mode. For a month my boyfriend got me dressed in the morning, made me eat breakfast, walked me to my lectures to […]
I don’t know what to say. I’m close and the guilt that usually pulls me back isn’t as strong as it used to be. What makes this worse is I am so alone that I’ve resorted to the potential wisdom/comfort of strangers because “no one cares” is so bloody literal it has become unbearable. I’ve read posts and should be comforted that I am “not alone”, but to see so many people in so much pain who are so alone…it just causes more despair.
I used to think I didn’t want to be here anymore. Now I’m quite convinced I simply can’t.
Not too much to say except, I came a long way but never really reached that mountain top. It’s a long way down the hill now and all my dreams lay dead below.
I’ve never really met anyone like me. I feel trapped in my own head. I can be so superficial, really, to be honest. And I am ashamed of it. I don’t know if  there could have ever been any other way for me, but I remember it all started by trying to scape the pain I was feeling. Movies kept me alive in a far away land where beautiful girls were loved for […]
I’ve read so many of the stories on here, and I feel that I should write mine, too. Although it isn’t as bad as others, it got me where I am.
Two years ago, my friend confessed to cutting herself. I was devastated, and all I wanted was to be there for her. I didn’t want her to do it anymore, I wanted her to be okay. So I stayed up late for her, and I was her personal therapist for a while. This was when i was 12 years old.
My mum fell pregnant and I cried for the whole weekend. I was already neglected and […]
Who am i?
All of you are thinking it.
“Who is that kid?
The one that killed himself,
I think I’ve seen him before,
But I’m not sure.”
Let me put your minds at ease.
You have all seen me.
Ive always been here.
I’m the kid in the back seat of the class.
I’m the kid that you see eating lunch alone in the hall.
I’m the kid you whisper about as you walk by.
The kid that teachers never punish.
Because they’re scared of me too.
I’ve always been there,
Watching, silently.
Its funny that after only one year,
I’ve already developed my final opinions of you.
There are those of you out there that can rest easy.
My death is not […]
There’s nothing wrong with my life, besides the fact that I’m a useless leech. I’m 28 and haven’t done a damn thing with my life. I’ve always been told that it’s because I’m lazy, and I’ve accepted it. I’ve been sad for no *good* reason for most of my life (plenty of shallow reasons–too stupid, too ugly, too awkward, etc, etc). Attempted suicide once, many years ago. Woke up in intensive care to suffer massive guilt from my mother. My dad wouldn’t speak to me for almost a year after that–just flat out ignored me, though we lived in the same house. (Because of course […]
Alone in the darkness, I ask myself if tonight is my last. But I take a picture to remind myself that if anyone can find the beauty in this life of hopelessness and guilt and heartache, it’s me. So I stare into the face of sadness and instead of looking for flaws, I look for elegance. Sometimes pain masks the grace in each of us, but sometimes, if we look hard enough, pain reveals it.
Since I was 14 or 15 I’ve detested living, but for the most part I’ve hung in there for other people. I tried back in 2000 (and obviously failed) to overdose on xanax. Apparently, I didn’t take enough. When I woke up I was PISSED. I ended up in the hospital for 3 weeks. The last several years of my life have been as far from positive and happy as it can get. Lost my job and after living in another state for 16 years I had to move back in with my parents because I have NO money left. My father will not speak […]
I am emotionally numb. I recognize that my emotions are there deep beneath but I do not connect with them. Almost as if they are not real. As if I’m possibly inventing them, in an attempt to pacify a need in me to be normal and socially accepted. I don’t know if I’m depressed. I don’t know if what I feel is anxiety. I can’t speak in public and don’t leave my house much because I don’t want to socialize due to my negative self-image and inability to really empathize with others adequately. But is that considered anxiety? I don’t know. Sometimes […]
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Eleanor_Roosevelt
The Rock pushes me to keep driving my body forward; Roosevelt settles my mind when it all starts feeling too fruitless/nihilistic.
In my mind, I’ve separated death and dying. Death is the one thing I look forward to, when I can just finally stop, cease to exist, back to 0; the weight of this flesh body finally lifted as my consciousness disperses into the cosmos. I don’t think that people are anything more than walking flashlights and I really can’t wait for my batteries to run out. No more guilt, no more expectations, no more desires; just nothing. […]
I’ve never understood why the people around me see me being suicidal as an assault on them. Sometimes I feel like the attempts that people have made to save me are just vanity driven allowing them to remain void of guilt largely because when people realise they can’t save me they get fed up and leave. It’s clear they don’t care. But worse than all of this is the way everyone from ‘friends’, family, and sometimes even mental health professionals use emotional blackmail against you. I’ve been called selfish because I have a 5 year old daughter (she has been taken from me). My alleged […]
i’ve dealt with complicated thoughts and feelings my entire life, all of them in their most extreme form. i daily go from being angry at everything else that exists, to quietly loathing myself in a corner. i had suicidal thoughts from the time i was very young, maybe as early as eight. i first really plotted to kill myself when i was sixteen. i even learned how to tie a perfect hangmans noose. i’m 20 now. and the thing is, that it really has nothing to do with my life. i don’t have any significant problems, hell, i even just got engaged to my girlfriend. but i hate […]
Call me Allen, and im 26, life is shit, I see all these stories about what ppl are going through and i say we all have a choice, I am planning my exit very soon, Im debating whether or not to hang myself (extention cord) or buy an exit bag, I really think the easyest way would be to hang, ive already tryed to see what it would be like, and Its gonna work, I cant Fuk up my suicide,I have to die, anyways, thoughts? Btw im gay and i am so over the whole love thing.. dont try to guilt me or change […]
HEADCASE.
HEADCASE.
HEADCASE.
MAKE.IT.STOP.
uncontrollable anger. dissociation. guilt. mood swings.
LOST EVERYONE. no family, no friends, no NOTHING.
i dont want to die. but im not alive.
is there any other option?.
FUCK.
It is difficult to pretend
Just watch these strangers
Who used to be really great friends
The quietness
The loneliness
The awkward gestures
The familiar faces
The memories
The guilt
The shame
Wanting to say hey
Hoping for a long conversation
Time
Every second
Every hour
Every day
Every fight trying to save the friendship
Every arguement just creates the situation worse
Tired of trying sometimes