I go through these periods of withdrawal, when all I can seem to do is stare at the wall or refresh internet pages.  Other times I just feel sick or exhausted or down in some other way that I can’t explain.  I don’t seem to care about anything anymore.  Today I began a journal entry: About a year from now, I will graduate from  college.  In a little over a year, I hope to be dead.  I have a plan, which is imperfect: I want to disappear without ever being found.  I want my family to think I’m somewhere, alive, so that they don’t suffer. […]
Good God life is just so fucking difficult I am so tiered of the same stuff happening in my life I think I am destined to be alone and miserable for the rest of my life. It feels as though that I have to experiecnce soo much bad luck. Nothing good can ever happen to me that’s just the way my life works. I wanna talk to someone. I never know what to say at all I posted something like this before, but I just don’t see why I am always alone. I fucking hate the way I am. Could someone please help me I just […]
I’m not sure I have a grasp on reality. The only things  I know are my feelings and its hard to see events objectively.
I know that I was in love, I mean real unconditional love…for 10 years. The sound of his voice soothed my soul and being around him made me happy. i know how i felt about him terrified me.   And I know he went away. I know I was on medication for years afterward because I dreamed about him every night and somewhere deep down inside me my soul groaned endlessly – like a demon in hell. The suffering was unbearable and no comfort came. I […]
I want to feel happy again,
I’m sick and tired of this world.
There’s nothing to feel but pain and hatred.
I may have not done much,
but the actions I’ve made are enough.
The bile of hatred rises from the heart,
to break me.
To break me from my small air of hope.
I can never take a breath of relaxation,
I can barely rest without panic.
I want to see myself fall off my balcony,
I picture my blood seeping through my flesh.
I want to have my guts torn from my insides out,
I don’t want to feel this, it only makes me feel alive.
I don’t want to smile, for you.
I want to smile for […]
I’ve been trying get the balls to commit suicide but there are so many things I am scared of before, during and after death.
For example:
-the pain
-grief of parents and family
-will it work?
-where i will go after?
My problems: Â (I don’t know why I’m telling you this) what can i say? I’m an attention-seeking fuckface.
-I’m fat and no muscle, only tall.
-bad childhood- divorce, no game with women, abused.
-Hatred towards women and have never had a real connection with a woman(hate mother, HATE)
-I’m broke, 18 years old but dad has no job and mom is a ***** about her money(she’s filthy rich)
-Overall, just tired of people telling me […]
I feel myself slipping away. I feel my cares, my concerns, my passions and my obligations no longer have any meaning. I want the end. I want the peace and serenity that comes with it. I feel no remorse for those that will. I feel only the burden of my choices crashing down on me. I feel the stare from the eyes of the woman I love. I feel their sadness, I feel their anger, I feel their doubt and, finally, I feel their relief. I wish I could have been more. I wish I could have lived up to expectations. I wish the one […]
So I was talking to someone the other day and she said that writing letters to people helped her get over her hatred and depression…so yea. I’m gonna write a few letters….
Some of them might be vicious, others may be gracious and kind…but we’ll see after I write them.
Dear Austin,
It’s been 8 months since we started dating.
Remember in the beginning, how it was so easy and carefree? We were on the top of the world. No one could stop us…but of course, they tried. When they told us we couldn’t be together, we did it anyway.
And now look at the trouble we’re […]
So I am about to turn 30 in about a month. Looking back at the past 17 years of my life (of which, parts of 12 years spent on struggling with depression/suicidal thoughts), it has been a roller-coaster ride. Here are some highlights. I don’t expect you to be interested in my life story, but if you have time, read on!
17 years ago, I migrated to Texas, and started in an ultra conservative high school. Language barrier was one, but being bullied non stop for not speaking English well was another. It was even worse being bullied for trying to learn English. My response was […]
I sit here. Staring blankly at nothing.
So many thoughts running through my mind.
It hurts, it burns.
Hatred flares through me like raging fire.
It doesn’t stop, it never will stop.
I hate all this, I hate myself.
I feel sick. I feel tired.
I reach my palms out and beg for help.
I wished there was someone who could understand.
I was wrong, so so wrong.
I went to someone whom I trusted.
I tried to tell him my pain, I prayed that he would understand.
But he just threw more daggers against my heart.
Not only didn’t he understand but he saw me mad.
He kept telling me how ungrateful I was.
That there were many people […]
half poem half rant.
I asked for one night
Just one night where I could show you my pain
To explain myself, to apologize for the way I’ve been
But you wouldn’t give me that
Not that one single piece of reconciliation
You feel so high and mighty
On that pedestal you’ve placed yourself upon
With my best friends tongue down your throat
You said it yourself.
 I can’t be fixed.
So I’m done trying. I’m done caring. I’m done feeling. I’m done living.
Maybe ill fail once more, end up in a hospital bed somewhere with needles in my arm
But maybe for once in my life I won’t fuck something up and this time not wake […]
“Love breeds sacrifice, which breeds hatred. Then you can know pain”
Dark, suffocating darkness, no light
Despairing place with no way out
Chained to a wall inside this putrid place
No hope of happiness coming soon.
So lonely, so very lonely
A body lies beside, but it’s cold
This person is cold, cold of heart
No emotions presents
No comfort, no support, no encouraging words
Only radiating hatred, to keep you where you are.
So lonely, so very lonely.
Chained to this place with a cold person
A person you once knew
A person you once loved
A person you once called your love.
A person who no longer loves you
A person who no longer […]
the pain we all feel is terrible and unfair..
but we all need to know that someone in there..
and even if were all far apart..
we can all feel each other in our hearts
the deepest darkest black we have all felt inside
sometimes the world is a place we despise
but we need to all love and have compassion for each other
cause we have all been through some pain one way or another
we all let it out weather we get high or cut to feel in control
but the power to stop the power to feel good we all behold
the […]
The truth I hold, took years to unfold, locked up and never told. Now I speak, for I am done being weak. A story I will tell, awakening the pits of my hell.
 Pinned against the wall, being six a little small. Tongue against my chest, you can imagine the rest. Touching, feeling, my eyes rolling to the ceiling. I push away, forced down, screaming, but i was never found.
 Day and night, always full of fright kissing, sucking, nonstop fucking. Crying, weeping and always pleading.
Was I that bad […]
When I go to sleep.. I still want death to wrap me up in its arms. When I wake up.. I’m still sad that it hasn’t. I’m just fooling myself with the thoughts of being happy when I know I’m not. Life still seems off track. My tears are yet again full of sadness.. And hatred that I’ve only been placed here to suffer.. For my face to fade out and only plastic replacing it. For my cries to go unheard.. And my pain to go unseen. My mind can’t take this And I’m getting physically tired from this. I want to escape from the […]
I am sick inside. Alone, overwhelmed, confused, and filled with hatred for myself and regret for my life. I should never have been born. I told my dad that once, and he said it was an insult to him and to my mother. The funny thing was, he said it as if he thought it wasn’t meant to be. Well, it was. They were too young for kids when they had me. They were irresponsible, and their own parents were irresponsible. And you can probably trace it all the way back to the Stone Age. Too many people who had no business raising kids. And […]
There isn’t any place as welcoming and unforgiving as it. Actually, that’s wrong. Hitting rock bottom means everything you have done may not be tolerable, but maybe it might be forgivable in the next life. And so here we sit. Alone. Cold. Empty. Loving and hating every second of it. Loving, because the hatred gives you power. Something to feel. I’d rather feel bitter than this damned sadness all the time. Ignorant to other emotions. Numb. The soft buzzing in your ears allows you to focus on your own problems. That’s all everyone is doing, anyways. Dealing with their own problems. What’s it to you […]
I hate myself everyday and it is only getting worse every fucking day of my life. I have over 40 scars on my left hand and I really don’t know why they wont go away. I really don’t want to live but something is holding me back
Something stronger than me
Today I felt so alone
No one around to call my own
I weep I plead I cry I bleed
All I want is someone to love
Someone to hold me
Someone to trust
But it’s okay I’m used to the feeling
The life I hold I can feel it ending
I cut all night and just can’t sleep
That last cut comes down way to deep
The scarlet blood trickles down and hits the floor
It keeps coming more and more
This time I failed once again
I lost my hope I lost my plan
My plan to leave this hatred place
This dream of mine […]
Life is hard. And most of the time I can’t take it anymore. I’m not saying my life is the worst but I’m not saying its the best either. On the outside to my closest friends and to family I seem fine, okay. A happy go lucky girl thats enjoying her teenage years. A girl who smiles an laughs a lots. A girl that can hold her own and can never be beatin or brought down. I seem strong. But the real me, the real me is weak. A weak scared confused girl. A girl who is so use to faking her happiness she forgot […]