I’m not sure I have a grasp on reality. The only things  I know are my feelings and its hard to see events objectively.
I know that I was in love, I mean real unconditional love…for 10 years. The sound of his voice soothed my soul and being around him made me happy. i know how i felt about him terrified me.   And I know he went away. I know I was on medication for years afterward because I dreamed about him every night and somewhere deep down inside me my soul groaned endlessly – like a demon in hell. The suffering was unbearable and no comfort came. I was alone. As I felt pain, growing in intensity, hatred began to burn. Hatred for the world, hatred for myself. I swallowed a bottle of pills in a hotel room. Clearly I failed because here I am typing this.
It has been years since he left. And here I am – crying. missing his laugh. knowing that i will never ever talk to him again or see him again.
I’m tired of this existence. I’m tired of pain.
I’m tired of the inablity to communicate. i struggle to find words but can’t.
I’m not afraid of an afterlife.
I want this to be over and done.
4 comments
I’m sorry for your loss. I think you can find love again though…
I know how you feel…..I have a job that I hate after transferring from another place that I was literally bullied at work. Everything is stressful…got sick this week, put on drugs that could have killed me, found out at a young age I have high blood pressure. I am sick of all of the damn crap all of the time. You can’t enjoy anything that you love really because the problem, whatever it is for the day is always there to make you miserable.
I have done the numbers and my better half can make it without me for several years financially if I die…I just need to make it for another 8 weeks, then if I get sick, so be it.
I feel bad for those who have gotten terminal illness and were truly happy- I have had a good life with travel, a nice house, a good partner but the stress over so many years has just killed the essence of me slowly.
I am ok with going.
jeseria,
sorry that things seem so bad hang in there things can get better if you keep trying,
i’m always around if you care to chat.
recycling1000 @yahoo.com
im sorry if i missed something, what happened to him?