spiral, a downward spiral. those two words: my life. I was going to kill my self, jump off a tower SURPRISE! i pass out and wake up to find out I have cancer (however the hell that works) then I find out that…SURPRISE! the cancer is spreading. (although I have to admit sstarving the cancer has worked a lot so thanks to those who suggessted that) I went back to school and duh, stupid me! I seriously thought they’d leave me alone since I had cancer, maybbe they’d show some sympathy instesd of hate….hell no. Surprise! i have so much anger toward the world inside […]
Tag:
Hell
I’m not sure I have a grasp on reality. The only things  I know are my feelings and its hard to see events objectively.
I know that I was in love, I mean real unconditional love…for 10 years. The sound of his voice soothed my soul and being around him made me happy. i know how i felt about him terrified me.   And I know he went away. I know I was on medication for years afterward because I dreamed about him every night and somewhere deep down inside me my soul groaned endlessly – like a demon in hell. The suffering was unbearable and no comfort came. I […]
~Broken~
When will you learn?
That I am not always going to be there
For you to vent you’re anger on,
That I am not a toy to you,
And you will push me to the brink
I will hurt, over and over,
Cutting deeper and deeper
Until everything in me is ruined,
Until I have hurt so much it isn’t possible to hurt any more.
When will you try?
To help me
To stop hurting me
To make me feel like I was supposed to be born
To help me not be afraid
Of you,
Of trusting you,
Of loving you,
’cause I can’t survive the destroying of my heart
I won’t always be able to pick up the pieces,
To mold them […]
.I feel so depressed, I feel like i’m becoming emotionally and physically weaker! I just feel so dull and sick that I don’t even want to wake up in the mornings and feel like i have no hope :'( No one accepts me the way i am and I have become a bit boring since my depression. Idk if its because of that or not though…=( Gahh sorry for being dramatic but i feel very bad nowadays I’ve been lonelier than ever before as my self-proclaimed “best friends” don’t even message me or call me or anything. I understand that I go to a different […]
I think we should all take a moment to think about how the choices we make affect everyone around us. When my sister chose to sneak out and do drugs, smoke cigarettes and get pregnant, she wasn’t thinking about the arguing that I had to deal with when she wasn’t around. I listened to my parents scream at each other nonstop over disagreements on how to discipline her. She didn’t realize what it was like for me to wake up to cops knocking on the door at 2 in the morning bringing her home. She never apologized for the panic attacks that occurred within me […]
I want to die in my sleep. Maybe that’s why an overdose on sleeping pills seems so appealing to me. Even if I die painfully and before I can doze off.. The thought of death by a sleep method seems so peaceful, serene and even more beautiful than having conscious thought while tying a noose or pulling the trigger.
But…
What if I don’t want to wake up in heaven?
I don’t want there to be hell either…
I just don’t want to wake up.
The only thing keeping myself from taking those pills is the thought that even after I die… I still have […]
I wanted to die differently, I want to drown, I want to OD, I want to shoot myself, anything but cancer! I’d jump, I’d hang, I’d chug, anything BUT cancer. I’d like to be hit, I’d like to drift off in my slumber eternally, I’d like to be stabbed, anything but CANCER. fuck cancer, fuck cancer, fuck cancer, fuck cancer, fuck it. I’m sitting in a stupid hostpital, in a stupid gown, with stupid food, stupid and overly chipper nurses, oh and don’t forget the cell enlarging body killing menace, CANCER. At first I thought they were joking, just lightening the mood somehow, “I’m sorry […]
Im not going to say what Im going to do but I actually do plan on carrying it out. I honestly hope I am more afraid but I am just biding my time till then. It is not really impulsive as I am planning it out and will probably succeed. *Hint this is widely used in China and Japan. No sob story. Im abnormal and will never be normal. Tried. Tried seeking help. Tried psych medication. Tried therapy. Life sucked from child till now. I won’t grow, change or get any better. Doesn’t matter if I can attain higher socioeconomic status. We humans are social […]
I hadn’t posted in a while .. had to pass by to let y’all know I’m doing better
Of course, this didn’t happen overnight .. It required commitment to one decision, a lot of willpower and taking action based on that decision
Around mid-october, I took the decision that I wasn’t going to kill myself .. I was tired of thinking life could be worth it one day and to hell with this world the next day, I had to pick a side to put an end to the confusion .. It was one tough decision to make because it went against a burning desire to check […]
So I’ve been thinking about doing it (suicide). All day, every day, every year. And the only thing that’s really stopping me is fear of hell.
Is hell real?
I just can’t risk going to a place where I’ll suffer MORE than I’m already suffering now.
What do you guys think, is there a hell? If you commit suicide, do you go to it? Or do you just stop feeling anything… like before you were born, complete noexistance of the mind body and soul?
and don’t worry, your answers are not going to make me do it.
The curse
placed long ago upon my head
To bear the weight of the world
On a rope tied round my neck
To always look back at what has happened and live it again today
To have no hope for tomorrow
to feel nothing but sorrow
to hate every aspect of my day.
To see my scars and fight the powers that drive me to make more
To find the bottle and decide not to drink every last drop it stores
To hear the words that others say and push them all away, lest they end up on my arm.
To split my mind and want to live yet long to die
To do so wrong yet […]
Pain overriding any rational thoughts
only feeling what I want most not too
Churning in my stomach, and burning in my chest
How did this happen, I ask
Only to be reminded that there is no explanation
No concrete answer to the question I’m seeking
I just have to accept what is.
Accepting a reality of isolation, loneliness and solitude
Feeling imprisoned by my own being
Trapped in a world I can’t escape
Following me wherever I go.
My mind plagues my every thought
The inner bully condemning every part of me
Ruthless, harsh and callous
Never stopping with its relentless bashing.
Only sleep gives […]
Trapped in the home of people who refuse to understand, who think my depression is hiding something, who think I’m lazy rather than my depression is debilitating.
I could take every type of med, go to every type of therapy, I could have sunshine coming out every orifice. It would make no difference.
Why? Because my problem isn’t me, its my mother. My mother is a cold, venomous, uncaring nag. She does not believe that depression is a mental illness, but instead views it as a weakness of the mind. She has mild dysthymia at worst and thinks she is the authority on depression. I doubt she has experienced a […]
They say I saved a life yesterday. For about 6 hours I felt meaningful, like my disgusting existence on this world was justified. Then the feeling crashed hard. i happened to drop a glass and it shattered  on the kitchen floor. And just like that I woke up, like I’ve done every day of my life, realizing that the few pitiful hours of artificial rest from the horror of life were just that: a few pitiful hours of artificial rest.
well maybe my “heroic deed” yesterday was my grand contribution to the world. Or maybe it and the life I saved are just as meaningless as […]
WOOHOO! Finally, the one thing I have ALWAYS wanted is happening, and for real this time too! My parents are splitting up. I have been, mentally,emotionally, and even slightly physically abused but now it should be over right? Coz finally mum is going to save us from our so called “dad” errrerrrr. This is what happens when you expect to much from life. Life says wooah! Slow down there cowboy, I ain’t gonna let you off the hook that easily! Dad had officially gone crazy. If you’ve ever seen my posts then you will get a feel for how much a  phsycopath he is, but […]
I was never a religious person nor am I now but I often think that I am stuck in hell. “Hell on earth” , hell of depression , loss , memories , feeling like I am speaking in a foreign language because people may hear me but they DON’T understand me so I resort to silence then there is the heartbreak , the feeling like your heart is literally being broken into two and the thoughts come and they are anything but organised.. I am left angry and exhausted. I think , this is what he must of felt like and I had no idea. […]
I want to cut again. But I’m trying really hard not to. I’m going away tomorrow with a few friends and if I make more cuts it wouldn’t go unnoticable – I don’t even know if it will go now.
It’s getting harder. I pretend it is not. But it really is.
It’s been over a week that I’ve heard from my bestfriend/(ex)lover, so I guess that means it really is over. I kinda don’t care about losing the lover part, but I do care about losing my bestfriend. But I guess he didn’t care after all. I dreamt about him last night. In my dream I […]
Hello everyone. Hope you’re all having a great day. You are amazing and a significant addition to this world. It may be hell, but sits people like us who take the pain and make it our strength. Stay strong. And another reminder, any of you feel free to contact me if you want to. I love you no matter who you are.
Rawrdino88@gmail.com
-Ash
i laugh when i am sad,
i hurt when i am mad
i scream when i cant take it
i drop when i cant make it
i stand when i am strong
and rush the day along
because soon i will collapse
and cave in all the traps
im not really good at life
its an endless endless strife
so take it all away
i cant make the day
when all is good in well
i dont stand a chance in hell
but i am only human
the words that destroy men
i can laugh when i am happy
and smile through the misery
this cant last forever
or ill severe the end-ever
i have my goods and bads
my moments of happy and sads
i am […]
And finally number four, self harm.
I hate those words, self harm. It’s strange that to some people it simply means a problem that someone has, to others it’s a consuming addiction. I don’t even know how to talk about it, I’ve never really had to. Not out loud. People are too afraid to ask me about it face to face, or if they do they never come straight out with it, like if your parents try to have a sex talk with you, without actually mentioning the word sex. Thats what all of my friends are like. But the stupid thing is people expect me […]