and the reason is you

I was never a religious person nor am I now but I often think that I am stuck in hell. “Hell on earth” , hell of depression , loss , memories , feeling like I am speaking in a foreign language because people may hear me but they DON’T understand me so I resort to silence then there is the heartbreak , the feeling like your heart is literally being broken into two and the thoughts come and they are anything but organised.. I am left angry and exhausted. I think , this is what he must of felt like and I had no idea. Selfish me.You see , my brother ended his life. In a couple of weeks it will be a year since he’s been gone , Im having a very hard time accepting his death. A couple months after his death I went to see a greif counciler , I told her I was having bad dreams and flashbacks , the councillor suggested I write about it. I was angry with her suggestion , to write would be to remember and to remember would make this reality , a reality I wanted so badly to deny…but tonight I come with a purpose.. I hope my personal story can touch the heart of someone who reads it. My brother , my big brother ,..he was always that guy who had a big smile on his face , the guy always making people laugh , that guy who would pick up his phone or visit you to make sure everything was ok in your life. Don’t get me wrong , he wasn’t always good. He had times where he would get into trouble and self medicated. Its like he battled so desperately to have the life he dreamed of but  depression always had a way of knocking him to the ground. He lost his battle February  2012. Depression killed my brother , just like cancer kills its host. It ate away at him. The only difference is , suicide is preventable. I wish he would have taken a step back , a moment , a day to rethink his choice and consider despite how “better off he would have been” or how unloved/alone he was feeling and would have realized he indeed was loved , appreciated and so important to us. When he died apart of us went with him. A wonderful , smart man , son , brother , husband , father , uncle , friend ..gone forever , gone from a curable disease.

Where I’m from , there are more suicides than homicides (over 1,000 suicides). As many of you know there is a stigma that surrounds depression , suicide , and suicide survivors , this leads to a lack of support , education & resources. This needs to change before another person becomes a suicide statistic , before another family is left utterly devastated

All of those struggling , please love yourself because you are worthy of it.

I ask you to please , before you think of committing suicide , take a step back , a moment , a day and rethink your choice. Take that time my brother will never get back , and please reconsider. Wether you believe it or not … realize there are people who love you , that would be completely broken and lost without you. Speak up , reach out for help , keep fighting , never give up fighting!

Thank you for taking the time to read this & remember , Depression is a lying bastard. There is hope.