When will you learn?
That I am not always going to be there
For you to vent you’re anger on,
That I am not a toy to you,
And you will push me to the brink
I will hurt, over and over,
Cutting deeper and deeper
Until everything in me is ruined,
Until I have hurt so much it isn’t possible to hurt any more.
When will you try?
To help me
To stop hurting me
To make me feel like I was supposed to be born
To help me not be afraid
Of trusting you,
Of loving you,
’cause I can’t survive the destroying of my heart
I won’t always be able to pick up the pieces,
To mold them back together again,
Eventually, I will shatter for the last time
It will shatter my heart into a glass blade
Which will sink deep into my chest,
Blood spurting out,
And I won’t come back, I can’t
I will hurt too much,
To ever come back to you,
To ever give you another chance,
To ever try to trust anyone else.
Because you poured the hot water over my hands,
You sharpened the knife,
You made the jagged edge,
You broke me.
Why did you do it?
Why did you turn up the heat for the hot water?
Why did you sharpen the knife?
Why did you treat him like a king and me like a speck of dirt?
Why did you hit me?
Why do you do this to me?
What made you do it to me?
When did you decide on me?
When did you decide to shield him from the truth that I know all too well?
Why did you choose a little defenseless girl to pick on?
That little defenseless girl has grown up,
Abused by the people in her grade,
Of anyone and everyone,
Of being around people,
Of trusting people,
Of making friends,
She was scared they would hurt her,
And shatter her,
Like those people did, all those years ago.
~The Strength of Friendship~
But you brought her back,
You put the light back in her eyes,
You made her not question her birth,
You gave her a reason,
To go on,
To not end it then and there,
With the knife they sharpened.
ChidoriQueen, you saved her
a little defenseless four-year-old,
A four year old who needed someone.
You helped me,
You were my friend in a grade of enemies,
You made me trust again,
You made me remember what it feels like to be happy.
And for that I am forever grateful.
But one person cannot do it all,
The tortue continued,
Lessened a little because I had a friend,
Because I had someone to lean on
When I couldn’t stand by myself.
When they couldn’t break me again,
They grew determined.
And the dreams started,
In front of me,
Like He did,
Over and over,
You died and I couldn’t help,
I couldn’t save you,
Like you saved me,
I could only watch,
Unable to move,
My dreams themselves chaining me,
Keeping me in a jail cell to watch them,
To watch them torture you,
Brutally murder you,
Every night, I’d see it,
Not being able to help.
I would do anything,
Not to see that,
The first dream I died,
I saved you,
I died happy
Like in the song,
‘Mad world,’ that line that says,
“The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had”
It was true,
Because I died saving you,
And I didn’t wake up screaming,
For the first time, I didn’t have to make my tongue and cheeks bleed,
From trying to stop myself from screaming,
Stopped using the knife against myself,
I stopped drawing blood, my own blood.
But, as Five for Fighting says,
“Nothing lasts forever, no matter how we feel today”
~Older and Smarter~
But they grew older,
Older and smarter,
And they came down on me again,
With a new, sharper blade,
It cut through me like I was nothing,
Like cutting through thin air,
I had started to trust,
But she(1) broke it,
She(1) had help of course,
She(1) had the help of three others,
I never should have told her,
I never should have told anyone,
It only hurt, to tell people,
It did no good, only hurt,
But I told them,
He told the ones at Easter Seals,
And she(1) told Her, the guidance counselor,
She(1) told her, and he told them,
After swearing not to tell anyone.
Then, she(2) abandoned us,
She(2) went with the Torturers,
The Popular people,
But she didn’t tell, she only abandoned,
Abandoned us for her.
Abandoned us for someone who used us,
Me and Aki,
Used us and threw us away,
Like the trash I am called,
By the torturers.
They call me so much,
I try not to let it, but it does,
It hurts double so,
When they insult nationalities,
On the anniversary,
Of things like Pearl Harbor,
Being told to,
“Go HOME, you Jap!!”
On the bus ride home,
Not even then am I safe,
Of being called a Nazi,
They don’t care,
I sometimes doubt,
If they are even human,
Or if they are an entirely different species,
You helped to,
Helped repair it,
I could trust you without regreting it,
I wish I could help you in the same way,
Wish I could help you like you helped me.
I know you are hurting,
And I don’t know how to help,
If only I wasn’t such an idiot,
If only I was as smart as my brother,
“If only, if only,
The woodpecker cries…”
Then I could help,
I could help like I was helped,
Because I want to,
I want to help people,
I don’t want there to be pain in the world,
Pain and suffering,
I want to help as much as I can before I die,
I want to make an impact on someones life,
Like you did to mine.
I can relate. I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way right now. And I hope you believe me when I say that it DOES get better to some extent. I won’t lie it was very tough at first, but trust me it’s not impossible and it’s worth it. Just for now, this can really help, I hope it does help you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltun92DfnPY