So today I found out that my older sister always talks badly about me when I’m gone because I spend money on my horses and sometimes when I have extra money I buy myself something I like. She constantly complains about me living at home (I just turned 20 and she’s 25 and living at home) and says if I would stop spending my money on my horses and others things I could save to move out. First of all, most of my money goes to paying off the college I went to, which she had to do for dropping out and she’s only just […]
I wish it was possible to record the full experience that someone goes through in a day. I dont mean just recording the visual and auditory sound that they experience, but the emotions and the thoughts as well. All those impulses, all those triggers and feelings.
If I could show someone what it was like to be in my shoes, to fully be in my shoes, I feel like they would understand. They probably would be disgusted that they ever climbed to that level of existence and feel so glad that they dont live like that.
I know its going to be more and more possible in […]
Yeah so this community just seems established and I just kind of feel like I’m in the background with the right qualifications but not really fitting in. I don’t know why I even came here to begin with, I knew it wasn’t what I hoped it was but I stayed hoping, well I don’t even know what I was hoping for. I wouldn’t bother commenting on this either if I was you, I’ll be closing my browser after I publish this.
And then maybe they would realize how bad my mental state has become and maybe they could help.
Unfortunately, due to my shitty personality (filled with ego and thinking I know what’s best) outside help hasn’t really helped me in the past.
It won’t matter if I end it all, it’s the best solution because that’s what I think :p
Suicide is an addiction. Once you’ve done it. It is always in the back of your mind. Everyday it is another option you can put on a to do list. As if you quit smoking and crave it everyday but you just don’t fire one up even if you desire it so much.
I had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go
Where the wind don’t change
And nothing in the ground can ever grow
No hope, just lies
And you’re taught to cry in your pillow
But I survived
I can’t wait to get in to the mountains. As much as I hate being alone and having no one, when I am in the mountains I am at peace. Just mother nature and I. When I go it is not a camping trip. I wouldn’t consider it a survival trip either but in a way it is a survival trip. I don’t take a tent or sleeping bag. I don’t take a gun. I take something to start a fire, a knife and a little fishing line. The rest I use mother nature to provide. I build a shelter, eat bugs and berries and […]
So I have this dream on average 5 times a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I don’t know if it is a message of some kind or just a dream.
At the beginning of the dream I am six years old. That is how old I was after my dad took his life. I walk into a dark room. I stop and am standing there. All of a sudden a hand grabs my hand. I look up and it is my dad. No words are spoken.
We walk forward until we come to a chair that has a light hanging over it. The only light in the […]
Sorry for the long whiney post I probably just sounds spoiled
So im now in my husbands aunt and uncles house.laying down and his first cousins bed her room is cute. What would have given to have a room like this while home . i had my own room but it was always undone. and when I was 15 my older cousin took my ipod radio and I didn’t have a TV the time so always in the dark like it like that. I actually got a TV when I was 18 it was a few months before I got married. And i used to stay […]
No, I didn’t really eat cheetos naked in WalMart.
But that would be an AWESOME memory to have.
Right up until the point when the security guards escorted you out.
It’s ok.
They’re more uncomfortable grabbing you than you are about them.
My actual Friday has been spent entirely in bed.
Getting ready to take the evening meds and settle down for a few hours of websurfing combined with a few movies playing in the background.
Fun, but unbelievably dull compared to the energetic naked people out there in the bean bag section of WalMarts everywhere.
Today I looked back at the times when I was moments away from killing myself and I remember there was something telling me not to, that pesky survival instinct or “will to live” all humans have. I was thinking about my attempt planned for this summer and I asked myself why I set such an arbitrary time frame. That’s when I realized it wasn’t arbitrary, it was so I could use a shotgun that I don’t have access to until then. Which brought into question why I didn’t plan my attempt around the hundreds of other ways I could kill myself before that. Survival instinct […]
I have been checking out the site for a couple weeks now, so many feeling the same way I do. I have thought about posting a couple times but really didn’t like what I had wrote. Well here goes nothing.
I was an army brat for the first six years of my sorry pathetic life. When I was four years old my father began beating me. He would come home at night and after I would say hi, let the beating begin. This went on for two years. He would whip me with a belt across my back. He would punch me in the face and […]
It just makes me angry I guess. Them thinking that the moment they found out I was suicidal, that I suddenly got better in the blink of an eye, after a freaking year of thoughts about ways to die, and what dying would feel like.
I hate that they think I’m all better now. I hate them for thinking that they can fix me. I hate them for thinking I’m sick. I hate them for thinking that I know nothing about what’s going on around me. I DO! I know more than they do, I know exactly what I was doing, that’s why I did it.
The […]
Hello everyone,
I’m back here again. I think I know the answer to the question “Is life better than the alternative?”. Its not. I mean how can it be? As I sit here is my dark room, I can see that I’m not alone. I have a companion who likes to sit in the dark just like me. Usually he just sits by himself in the corner. But today his gaze is upon me. He is beckoning me. “Its time” he whispers. “Come to me. I will take you to a better place”. I don’t think I can resist him anymore. Its weird, I can almost […]
My name is Costy. And I am shit. Do you know what shit is? It is Costy. Costy just dosen’t understand life.It is a miracle? or just an accident? Whatever it is , it dosen’t have any application in our daily lives…I guess that the major cause for my downfall was nihilism, even if I would have everything in the world..we are going to die anyway. What is there for us? Nothing or maybe “something”. I don’t want to get old..
I have so many fucking toughts in my head. Why do I exist? I just want peace.
At first, I had it all planned out. My mom was going out and I had like 3 full bottles of medication on hand. She never checks up on me, so I felt like I was in the clear. She came home early though, and my biggest regret was not locking the door. I remember waking up in a hospital, and having my mom by my side. Of course, they wouldn’t send me home, and sent me to a mental ward.
Now let me tell you, mental hospitals aren’t like they are in the movies. But….they’re pretty freaking […]
My mum had always romanticized death. I suppose she thought she’d pass away, be found, and after some tears and a funeral, people would get over it. To say she was wrong is a vast understatement. I know my mum, and if she knew things would have turned out the way they did, she never would have done it.
Being that this is posted in what the effects of suicide has on friends and family, let me dump it all out.
I last saw my mum on a Friday and told her I’d pop by on the upcoming Monday or Tuesday. She seemed totally fine. I woke […]
A friend of mine committed suicide a couple months ago. To be honest, I knew the signs. When I heard about it, I can’t say that I was all that surprised. We weren’t close, but it really affected those around me. My best friend couldn’t keep back from sobbing in the middle of class, and it just got me thinking if she would be acting the same if it were me? I’ve already attempted several times (though I never had a gun to make it super easy) and failed. If I had succeeded would all these people act the same?
I find it ironic that all […]
This is attributed to Elizabeth I –
I grieve and dare not show my discontent;
I love, but am forced to hate;
I do, yet dare not say I ever meant;
I seem stark mute, yet inwardly do prate.
I am and not, I freeze yet am burned;
Since from myself my other self I turned.
My care is like my shadow in the sun;
Follows me flying, flees when I pursue it;
Stands and lies by me, does what I have done.
His too familiar care does make me rue it.
No means to rid him from my breast,
Till by the end of things […]
This has been on my mind recently and I think it’s the reason why there is so much mental health issues in the world. I think our society wants to keep its nasty habits and yet still have no issues.
Like one obvious example is that it wants to blast us with models and perfect bodies and yet it doesn’t want people to have bad self imagine. It wants to load the movies, music and media with dark themes yet it wants no violence. It offers and encourages addictive behaviour at every corner yet it doesn’t want addicts. It fights all the bad outcomes with “awareness” […]