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I am no longer myself. I remember how I used to be before seven years of depression. I used to be the most optimistic individual, but life has a way of fucking you over.
For starters, after years of hearing people say negative things about you, you start to believe. I am an eighteen year old mistake. My life was a replacement. My father was abusive and caused my mother to have a miscarriage. Their intention was to replace that baby boy, so I was born.
Throughout my years, I have heard this story so much. Eventually as my father extruded himself from our family domicile, I […]
It’s 5am , don’t want to sleep. My life is a jungle I shouldn’t have traversed and I’m stuck in the quicksand of my own errors. Things will not change for me. I will eventually be swallowed and surrounded by warm shadows. I want nothing, I want to be nothing. There’s almost nothing left of me. I switch from being numb to being in pain until once again I feel nothing, a maelstrom that I will never escape. Maybe it’s time I got off this ride.
There may be no doors for this Dungeon, but there’s still a way out.
I think I found an edible version of gauze… It’s a special Valentine’s version of that marshmallow and caramel candy. The marshmallow is really tough and the caramel is extremely sticky… Also, it doesn’t dissolve in the mouth. One piece alone is about the size of a child’s fist, give or take some width. Ironically, I don’t think trying to choke on candy could be considered suicide… That still won’t stop me from seeing how many I can fit in my mouth at one time.
We can only stay in the fantasies our heads create for so long i guess. 🙁
but i will be forced to anyway, because i simply don’t have the means to end it in a way that won’t fail spectacularly.
here’s the truth; i’m ugly, and i’m going to die alone. nobody’s ever going to love me the way i need to be loved. i tried loving myself but i just couldn’t. i can’t make peace with something i hate so much.
i look in the mirror and i see a monster, not a 19-year-old girl. i’m so grotesque.
so i figure, if i’m going to die alone and unloved anyway, why not make it happen sooner rather than endure the pain […]
An integral part of ‘ building your exoskeleton’ is letting go of all the hurt, pain and sorrow. Letting go doesn’t necessarily mean that you vow to forget the past,because doing such things.may result in the repetition of similar scenarios. The letting go to which I now refer to is the instance of no longer allowing past transgressions to weigh you down. In essence, an individual needs to accept and positively use past horrors as a building block to your new and improved self.
For decades, modern medicine has intentionally introduce strains of ailments to individuals, to allow for the creation of an […]
I dont think im any different than anyone else on here. My story is the same. Im a 16 year old girl trying to be happy and failing miserably. I have been battling anxiety and depression for over a year now, and it hasn’t gotten better. I dont think it will. Its bullshit when they say it gets better. Because it doesn’t. The day before my 16th birthday December 9th of this year, I tried to kill myself before school. There was nothing left for me in this world, and no one cared from me anymore. I was lonely and dead without really being dead.A […]
… Numb.
Just got news that a guy we attended university with passed away. Car accident. It’s weird. He just qualified. Only started working on the 4th of Jan. Hasn’t even received his first paycheck yet. Now he’s dead.
Another guy died in a car accident last year. He was in his final year as well. There were 5 of them in the car and only he died, the others survived.
I don’t really know how to feel. I’m just numb. It’s sad really. People who really deserve to be around are dying. Just when his life was about to get better. The 6 year struggle at Medical […]
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Well its been 14 days since the new year. I guess the only new me thing I started to do was cry myself to sleep, cutting, being dead inside after my life is superficially spent helping my best friend with her almost boyfriend. I can barely do anything. Work is my escape because no one knows, no one cares, no one understands me enough to know. I laugh and take care of the petty issues that exist in the restaurant world.
I never want to leave my house but I can’t stand being here. I am a living contradiction. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m constantly dreaming that I get some lucky break and will be able to live my life one way or another but I’m not delusional, I obviously know that can’t and won’t happen. I know it’s my fault and I should’ve just done what needed to be done, but I don’t want to live in the first place the only reason I’m alive is so I don’t hurt my family. But now I’m just a disaster to them. I hate […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I know im not suppose to be here, and no one wants me here. I know everyone hates me and all i can manage to do is bring out hatred in people. I know i will never be helped, or loved again. So why do i have to talk myself into it, why cant i cut deep enough, why am i scared. I have nothing worth staying for and no one wants me here. It should be easy then right? It makes no sense what so ever to still be alive when there is no reason. A lifetime in the void is better then staying […]
So yeah I am here, quite a things have happened, so take a seat and don’t expect this to be something too grim.
So I fought my depression, and finally won, I guess, I feel more neutral or rather “passive happy” now…Maybe with an image things would clear up: I feel like a lone wolf in his cave having food and water.
I am happy with what I have here, always water and something to eat, it is warm, and nobody is here to get on my nerves.
But this is what I have fought for in school, to never go back there.
And I broke my phone, which […]
“Bipolar robs you of that which is you. It can take from you the very core of your being and replace it with something that is completely opposite of who and what you truly are. Because my bipolar went untreated for so long, I spent many years looking in the mirror and seeing a person I did not recognize or understand. Not only did bipolar rob me of my sanity, but it robbed me of my ability to see beyond the space it dictated me to look. I no longer could tell reality from fantasy, and I walked in a world no longer my own.
Today was absolutely horrible . I’m in the verge of tears . I can’t wait to get home and cry in my bed.
It just started with waking up. Monday’s are hard to wake up to . I hate leaving bed .
Then class . My dental assisting teacher fucking pisses me off . She expects me to know everything and anything . I was taking X-rays on a mannequin (it’s so hard) and I was trying to make sure they were perfect so I could show her . She came in after 15 minutes and asked me how long am I gonna take ?! She […]
Despite all my efforts to keep myself from over thinking things and trying to live life, I feel really low and alone today. This mood has just come out of no where and it’s dragging me right down.. Suicidal thoughts slowly creeping in the back of my mind again. I have no one to talk to
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
On Wednesday it was Challenge Day.
I had turned in a permission slip so I was called down to the gym.
When I walked in I was terrified. I only knew one person in there and she had her own friends so it was like I was alone. Everyone sat in this big circle in the middle of the gym. I thought we would have to talk in front of everyone. I cringed every time they said we would play a game.
As time passed, (I was still scared but not as much) we were told to get in our assigned groups. In the beginning of that activity, […]