i write this to you as the only means of getting in touch with you. i would like you to know that i saw your posts, and that your words, caring and concern for a depressed, lonley, old man, touched me deeply. yes, it was my plan, and i was determined to carry it out. as is usually the case, the universe stepped in with a bunch of annoying distractions that prevented the follow through. i did end up in the cold for about two hours. i went to our towns christmas parade with my ex-wife. it was difficult because of my social anxiety,but pushed […]
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I don’t feel much anymore. It’s like I’m floating just below the water, aware that my lungs are burning, but I’m unconcerned. I see so much and nothing at all. I see that I am likely to end up alone. I see that I cannot have children. I see that I am about to graduate college with a useless degree and a fuck load of debt. I see fires and wars and disaster and hatred and guns and knives and cars accidents and pain in the world. I see that I should do something. There I begin to see nothing. There is nothing to do. You […]
no one knows what’s in my mind. no one even knows the real version of the story. everyday, I’m still thinking about the night that killed me. i’m dead but still bleeding? isn’t that strange? everyday, i live in the hell of being stuck with that fucked up mind in a world that i don’t even want to live in. i’mstanding close to the edge wishing someone could finally push me. i’m afraid. still, i don’t want help. i just want to be free…
I was at UBC Universal Behavioral Center I was there for 6 months that I tried to kill myself 3 times nothing worked I tried cutting my wrist vertically and horizontally and tying things around my neck that didn’t work because people found me.I still have suicidal thoughts I’m not acting on it because I don’t want to get in trouble and I want to be trusted .I have had two girlfriends the first one I dated for a few days I broke up with because she wanted to date more than one person my second lasted more than a week she claimed to be […]
-she never responded to my texts, but she always called me when she was desperate for attention
-i talked to him one night and i got excited, but he was gone before the sun rose
-we hugged, but it never felt like it was right, it was always jagged and rough around the edges and i knew he wasn’t hugging me because he liked me, he was just doing it so a girl he liked would be jealous. it didn’t work
-we spun around the room laughing, but i knew that under those sparkling eyes she was trying to rip me apart and discover […]
When my parents, friends or random people ask me about my day, all I’ll do is say “It was fine.”
It wasn’t.
Not a day passes that I don’t feel useless, hateful and sad. Not a single day.
My days are never ‘fine’. They’re far from it.
I spend every single day of mine, hurting myself and wishing it would end. It doesn’t, but wanting it is the only thing I still have strength for.
Every single day I would come home from school, throw up that little piece of beagle I ate instead of my breakfast, go to my room and lock the doors.
Every day I would take my […]
When I was 13 I was diagnosed with Epilepsy.
It’s not the worst thing in the world but going through 13 years of your life thinking you have it all planned out and knowing you’re going to be successful and then having it all pulled out from under you can fuck with you a little bit. Me and my dad we the closest a father and daughter could be up until this point. It’s like after I got diagnosed he stopped loving me. I suddenly became the “problem child” and he didn’t want to even be around me anymore, like he couldn’t even bear […]
When I was younger all I wanted to do was be an amazing person…
I wanted to be in the military, or become a lawyer,or an Olympic swimmer. As I got older something inside of me changed, I started losing myself. I lost people I loved and cared about. I was hurt by the mean kids in school. I was hurt by the people I wanted to love me that I loved so much, by the people that I wanted to make proud but no matter what I did I was just never good enough for. I realized that even if I […]
I’m not sure why I’m feeling the way I am. When I made my decision and came up with the plan, I felt relieved. When I took the first step and bought a burial plot in the small cemetery where my father is buried, I felt I had accomplished something concrete. I already have rough drafts of my letters written, and decisions made on where and how. I’m just waiting for one more (unwanted) event to occur, after which no one will need me anymore. Yesterday I went out and ordered my headstone, which looks just like my dad’s, except that I wanted to put […]
Imagination better than reality? Why Imagination is better than reality? Why is Imagination better than reality?
by niki
written by niki
Why Imagination is better than reality?
Why is Imagination better than reality?
Why is fantasy better than reality? Why fantasy is better than reality?
What puzzles me the most is human’s mind / human’s brains and imagination better than reality / human’s fantasy is better than reality.
for example:
just look at the movies, novels, comics, games, books, , animations (anime / manga), science fiction (sci-fi), fantasy , like Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Narnia, Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, Swords Art Online, Interstellar, etc etc, they are much more interesting, full of POSSIBILITIES & varieties / variations, and better than reality / BORING reality […]
hey guys. My mom and I haven’t been talking for a week now because I did something stupid. I lit a paper using a lighter because I liked the smell of the burning paper. I did it while sitting in the toilet. My mom smelled the smoke and she started yelling at me. She said things like “it’s bad for your heart and your brain.” “That’s probably why you’re so stupid.” And then the next morning, she told my dad and then my dad scolded me and said that I was stupid and that I’m an addict. And also that my brain is probably damaged […]
I have argued against the idea of rational suicide in the past but lately… I have been thinking – I am completely rational, not really depressed or in a PTSD mode and I have thought that suicide is the best option, most sensible really and probably the better way to leave this world… By my hand, my choice. Don’t worry my date isn’t for awhile now. What do you think about suicide can it ever be a rational completely sane choice?
I have been feeling severely depressed for the last week & a half. I think it’s a combination of things…been keeping a secret about getting back together w/ my on again off again boyfriend. Finally came out to my friends about it. They all hate him because of what he has done to me in the past. Severe betrayal that I won’t go into. One of my best friends is no longer talking to me. My other good friends dad recently died. He was like a second father to me growing up. That’s been tough. She didn’t even call me. Then I had my birthday […]
everyday is like a struggle. A breath I can’t seem to find. When all the pain from last night comes into my mind. All the feelings all the people that I just can’t figure out, I’ve finally found a solution to get my life sorted out. I’ve searched and searched, through this journey of sorrow. I’ve hid and I’ve found, I’ve taken and borrowed. After all this time, I hear Death calling my name. I know I hear it, I know I do, I swear I’m not insane. He comes in the dark, when father closes the door. His voice is scary and sweet, something […]
I came to the forest to determine why. Why life? Why death? When depression sucks you down like the Le Brea tar pits, you can no longer see the ground warmed by the morning sun. You see those who have come before you mired in the sticky, intractable black ***. The skeletons of those who didn’t make it are all around you. Charles Boyer, Vincent van Gogh, Sylvia Plath, Ernest Hemingway, Virginia Woolf. Robin Williams, so close, you could almost touch him. A delicate balance…when pain exceeds coping resources.
For the prosecution:
– 41 years of depression
– Crimes against humanity committed to me
– Committed […]
I thought things were getting better, but it was just my mind’s way of getting a run-up to kick me in the balls again. I want to smash the bottle in front of me and cut myself to shit, grab my huge (and evergrowing) bag of failed meds and take the lot, kick down my door, smash out the bathroom window and climb up onto the rooftop and scream and shout and cry in one final act of defiance to the world. But I wont. Ill just sit here and smoke my problems away, like I always do. That’s why I’m such a useless piece of shit, […]
There are a lot of things going on in my life and I don’t know if I can handle it anymore. I blame my mom for everything and my whole family are just judge mental. I’m never good enough for anyone or anything. The guy who recently told me he “loved me” I found out he danced with another guy at a gay club and got his number. I thought he was the one bc I love him. I think in the back of my head I knew he might be gay or bi but I don’t want to believe it. I’m scared on how […]
Hi.
I hate my life. Nothing has any use… whatever I do, It’s never good enough. Life always seems to bite me in the ass. When I think I’m happy and my life finally goes well, it just stabs me 5 times in the back….
I just don’t know what to do with myself…. This is the second time I’ve been thinking of actually killing myself.
I’ve had these thoughts many times before but I’ve only once actually tried to plan something. A few years ago something happened that made me plan out my suicide. I already wrote letters and I was going to order all the things I needed […]
Decided not. This site was an amazing find. Thank you, all of you, for being excellent. Tomorrow. Finally. Take my Seroquel, go for a walk along the river, and — oops! — “accidentally” slip and fall in and go through a weak spot in the ice, and I won’t be alert enough to fight it. They won’t get me ’til Spring thaw. And like hell I’m going to the emergency room to be violated again. No thanks.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
So where to start-almost 60 yrs old, would be considered successful by most, I guess. But I feel it’s all a lie. I’m not as good as people think I am at my job- if I do something praiseworthy it’s more by accident than skill. Most of my life has been like that. I’m really not that good at anything! I have a family, very proud of my son, but I think everyone else in the family just looks at me as a paycheck. Every day I stress about letting them down somehow, or disappointing them, which according to my wife I do on regular […]