What society and God expects of me is hard. i don’t know if i can bear this burden, but no matter how sad i get i cannot give up.
I have thought long and hard about how to kill myself. I don’t have any reason to live I have lost everything that was important to me in a rash moment of drunken madness. My wife tells me I’m a worthless hopeless human being and I cannot go on. I have tried hanging myself.
I can’t face these people of the day
They don’t like me, but that’s okay.
I’ll go to my sanctuary where nothing is as hard as it may seem.
I’ll go to sleep and get lost in a dream.
I’m in a castle. It’s decorated in gold.
I am surrounded by friends, both young and old.
I go to the garden, where the beauty is endless.
The sights are lovely, the feeling is priceless.
I am at peace as my heart erupts
I feel at home, that is, until I wake up.
I’m so sorry that i seem sad all the time.
i’m sorry that all i do is complain
I’m sorry that i can’t hold normal conversations anymore.
i’m sorry i never make an effort.
i’m sorry that i’m on the verge of tears constantly.
i just, i think i’ve forgotten how to be happy, but i, i’m so sorry.
I’ve lost so many friends because of this and i regret it ;c
People have told me, “Don’t do it, Emma” and “You can talk to me about anything”. But I can’t. I know I’m not alone in this but it always feels like I am. I’ve had people call the Suicide Hotlines on me and I’ve helped other people get through their own depressions but I can never seem to shake the pain, loneliness, jealousy, or depression. I have problems I know I need to fix but I just can’t.
Im 14. My name is Emma and I live in Colorado. When I was three, my mom and dad divorced after my mom knowingly broke my younger brother’s […]
In short, my brother killed himself april of 2011. He was my only brother and he will always be my closest and best friend, a hero of sorts for a little brother if you understand the relationships between siblings. anyway, he was 29 married no children and i was 21. few months after he passed away i was going to shoot myself in the heart with a 12-guage slug to ensure death and hopefully immidietly death would follow. to this day i don’t know what changed my mind, not fear of death but i guess fear for my family’s wellbeing.. but anyway.. i think about him everyday. shortly after his death i became deeply addicted […]
When my best life time perioud leaves me I know that it’s not the same…
Death isn’t just mouving from one room to another or ending an reletionship… but for me that is good enough to be true….
It wasn’t never what it is now or what it will be tomorow morning… It will e never the same, I’ll be never the same vivid calange searchingm young phisitian and programist, I’ll never revolution for thousents of people including me again or share my dreames and love, in life with no pain until …
Funny that Garsie Marckes wrote about it in one of his books so no, I […]
I lost my dear sweet son this morning. His body gave out on him sometime during the night. He was depressed, but lately seemed to be doing a bit better. He’d laugh, send me a silly text. Just little things…little things that mean even more to me on this awful day than they did just yesterday. We won’t know for a while what caused his death, but I wanted to express to all out on this website the pain that my baby’s dealth has caused so many. He was only 23, and such a bright, funny guy. He had a heart of gold; which was probably one thing that made life harder […]
My mom just took her own life back in july and i am the one that found her. I dont know what to think of this. and i have a really difficult time understanding why. I am going to counseling and it helps.. I just feel down a lot of times. I have thought a little bit about doing what my mom did. But i dont think i could every put someone through the pain i have went through… My dad is also in jail now.. So Help me understand and advice? Please.
Sometimes I love so truly and deeply that I forget about myself.Â
The person I am with becomes everything to me. I put them first in everything I do. However, I never have this love returned to me. So I question whether it is right for me to love this way. The price I pay for this love is myself. In return what I get is pain. So is it right to love this way? May be not.Â
The reason why I love this way is because if I don’t wake up tomorrow, then I will know that I have done everything that was within my power […]
I sit here hating myself for being myself. I try everyday to live to be happy, but nothing ever works. The realization of the fact that the one person you love so much will never love you back torments me and leaves me unable to move. I pray for the torment to end.
He says I don’t try enough and he gets mad at me. But I know not what to do. I do what anyone deeply in love does when they are hurt by the one they love…I cry. I cry a river that turns into an ocean. My bloody tears mean nothing anymore because […]
Hello to everyone reading my post. I only have two more days that I am able to access my computer, so please share any thoughts you would like. I will not be offended. I lost my fiance to his choice of the exit bag on September 15th of 2011. I was completely blindsided as we were happy and making plans. I woke up to police calls, investigations, and a lot of texts from him declaring his everlasting love. The funny thing is I was always the destined one to go, I believe in a life for a life, and would have gladly given mine. He was […]
              Â
I fucking live off coffee and cigarettes, to be honest i just don’t give a shit , thats deff another lie, affirmed by my predisposition to cry. I claim to be emotionless when really I’m overrun by it. You all see a smile, but not whats inside, its just a mask i use to hide. I’m giving you what you want, now its up to you to conceive, in reality it has nothing to do with me. Over the years I’ve grown to see , that you don’t want to […]
Im young. Im young, so young and I know I have so much to live for.Â
But I have a destroyed childhood, and family that has lied to me since I could process things through my mind. A mother who cares about herself more than her daughters, who is willing to let her children be molested; verbally and physically beaten. A father who has continuously filled his daughters with hate by verbally, physically and mentally abusing them alongside with their mother. My mother will soon be filled with severe Alzheimer’s and she won’t have me or my sister to help her. Which is just another burden […]
I lost the control that I’d maintained for so long…trauma…attempted suicide one day and the next…”saved” by my best friend…the loss of my best friend…I am collapsing into myself as I have destroyed my life and continue to destroy this moment and the next.
I look to people to talk with but all I see are names…all I can tell them is a story of self-pity.
I wish I didn’t tell me best friend I took 60 pills…
I wish I hadn’t told her anything…
I wish I had used a blade…
I wish I had the courage I did a year ago when I brought the handful of pills […]
i cut. not too much. i wasnt gonna do as much as i did. but its not too much i dont think. it doesnt seem so bad to me really. well ill just post a few pctures of it. so yeah thats it. i find them to be beautiful. please dont judge me.
i just have to. i cant not do it any longer. im going to cut. once again. the last time i cut was in early october. that was a really long time ago. at least it seems to me like it has been forever. every night i think about it. and i am CRAVING to do it. last night before i was going to sleep i was going to do it. but it was too close to the time my brother and mom wake up and i cant risk getting caught. my mom already wants me to do some psychiatric thing. i dont want to […]
i feel so depressed. especially because im at home. i dont have the one person i wish was with me. i saw her today(my best friend that is). my parents wanted me to go to the store with them, but this morning i told my mom i dont wanna go anywhere. and when they left i went right to her house. but i feel sooo bad for what did. i enable her. soo much. and i hate it. she is an addict. even though its hard for me to say that and it breaks my heart to know that. its true though. and i am […]
a combination of happiness and suffering
and smiling and crying
it is a journey God picked
for us to travel and see
who made it to heaven or hell.
I dont think thats fair though.
how do we know where we end up?
Does it even really matter??
We all die eventually.
We are eternally asleep when
we die.
So, no, it doesnt really matter.
Our souls will go across the universe.
Nothing will be destroyed when i
Die.
I dont even believe many people will remember me at all.
So why does all this matter so much?
There have been things on my mind that i just cannot
stop thinking of.
And i dont think those things have answers or
explanations.
My background:
I had started wondering about death and would habitually wish for death and say ‘never mind’ 3 times afterward. This started when I was around 10, until one day I stopped saying ‘never mind’ and decided to see what would happen.
My life has been met with intense anger, anger that caused me to once whip my mother with a PC controller wire after I smashed it off the banister when I was around 16.
I started cutting myself on Valentine’s Day 2007, senior year. I started under the notion that everyone would leave me once we graduated. They all did except one. My last friend […]