Hello to everyone reading my post. I only have two more days that I am able to access my computer, so please share any thoughts you would like. I will not be offended. I lost my fiance to his choice of the exit bag on September 15th of 2011. I was completely blindsided as we were happy and making plans. I woke up to police calls, investigations, and a lot of texts from him declaring his everlasting love. The funny thing is I was always the destined one to go, I believe in a life for a life, and would have gladly given mine. He was my single ray of sunshine in a very dark existence. I have trudged along through alot of pain these last six months. I have told everyone in my life that I am having difficulty with this loss, and may not be able to make it. EVERY single person has stopped calling, visiting and dropped out of my life. His family and my family are angry with me and upset as if I should have known, or tried to stop him. I will be driving back to my childhood home to visit my parents and see them one last time, then I will also combine pills with the exit bag. I feel very strongly that he is waiting for me, for we really should have gone together. I am scared and calm at the same time, which is why i want to be in my childhood home when i go. I only trust my parents to take care of me and my arrangements.
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7 comments
I can’t believe they’d be upset with you, how could they be so stupid. Sorry but they ought to know not to put anymore stress on someone who went through something like you did 🙁
I often feel down and I always want a reason to leave. I’m not finding the happiness to keep my life lit til I grow old and die. I’ve always been a quitter. In all regards I hope you find peace through your struggles. Life and death, what a balance.
Your story is really sad, But as i read the words you seem like a very strong person, i thought it would end with a i will survive ending, ands its sad because it wasnt.
My wife died five years ago giving birth to my daughter. My daughter died last year, cancer. Life isant fair is it.
Our pain is very different, but i imagion the strenght of it is the same.
If you wana talk to someone before you go, you can talk me.
Im sorry for your loss, its wasnt your fault, its no ones fault….
I hope you are happy in the end.
Thank you for your reply. When i read you reply, it seems odd that I seem strong to you. I guess maybe I viewed my fiance in the same way. He was able to look at his entire life, and quietly and with precision, plan everything out to the last minute. I know life isn’t fair, and I am sorry for both of your losses as well. Do you ever want to leave and be with your wife and daughter? What has prevented you thus far? I am guessing your wife was the love of life as well. I hope you too can find peace whatever path you choose.
Would he want you to join him? i know he loved you but would he want you to end youre life two?
Sad, with a hint of hope. If you want to talk to someone before you go, or if your having second thoughts or anything really you can email me, thelightinthedarkness@ hotmail.com.
Loss is never fun, its tough to will yourself forward, if i dont hear from you let me just say i hope you find the peace you seek.
J Girl – you say you always felt you were the ‘destined one to go’. Did you share this with your boyfriend? Was he aware of it in any way? Do you think he might have pre-empted you? And, if so, what do you think his reason for pre-empting you might have been?
If his death was a communication with you or to you, you know him best – what did he say?
If you believe you can’t live without him in your life, I wish you the best. If you’re scared of exiting this life, the best thing you can do is think of him and how much love you have in your heart for him and for your life…focus there, the rest will take care of itself. God bless.