I’ve been cutting since 7th grade. In 7th grade is when I first got bullied, some girl called me ugly, I told her off, she got her friends to go kick my ass blah blah blah. I dropped out half the year and decided homeschooling would be better for me, but no. It got worse, it lead to cyber bullying. I went back in 8th grade thinking it would actually be better since new people will come in, it was actually way worse than the year before. Rumors went around and what not. I left half that year also. During that summer, I made a […]
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Money
Since when did I start drinking every single night to the point of oblivion. And since when was not getting to that point a disappointment.
I am unhappily tipsy.
Hooray for success! I’m married! I own my own home! We have a backyard! We actually have money in our savings account!
Like that solves anything I mean really. I’m still alone tonight. I’m still sad and angry and crying tonight.
I had this dream the other night. I can tell about it because it was quite detailed and made at least a little sense while most of my dreams don’t. Though I can’t fully figure it out, but I can link it to my daily fears. It will take  some time to read, I tried to put it as close as I could.
The “action” took place in my home, that tiny apartment on the 5th floor that  my parents own.  I was home and they were at work as usual. Time around noon. I sat at our kitchen table watching some crap on my laptop. […]
Hi my full name is not that important right now but I will be revealing it on a later post..
So this is my story..I’m a writer a very good one if I may say so myself and I “was” quite clever to, although I had a average life growing up with both parents and a grandparents who love me and spoiled me in every way possible growing up in the new South Africa..so if you asking yourself why am i here writing this post on this “suicide project” if I had such a good child hood..thing is life was never good to me..truth is the […]
Sunny yesterday my life was filled with rain.
I have given up to the point of no return, I can’t get out of bed, I don’t go to school, I don’t do anything but sit on my lazy ass all day. My dad has decided to not pay for post secondary, he however will pay me back for every semester I pass , that seems fair to me, it makes for a better excuse as to why I don’t want to go, it’ll be because I’m “saving up “. Im so content with mediocrity  it’s pathetic I don’t want to strive for anything better i just […]
WOOHOO! Finally, the one thing I have ALWAYS wanted is happening, and for real this time too! My parents are splitting up. I have been, mentally,emotionally, and even slightly physically abused but now it should be over right? Coz finally mum is going to save us from our so called “dad” errrerrrr. This is what happens when you expect to much from life. Life says wooah! Slow down there cowboy, I ain’t gonna let you off the hook that easily! Dad had officially gone crazy. If you’ve ever seen my posts then you will get a feel for how much a  phsycopath he is, but […]
I used to joke that even if you lose everything …your money, your friends, your self respect… you always have sleep. That’s not even true. The nightmares, replays of each horrible day, are worse than my days. Sleep, once my only savior, is now just another one of my cruel enemies beating me down at every opportunity.
So each day I grit my teeth and wait for it to be over, and each night I lie awake waiting for the sun to come up. There is no escape from my diseased mind, except to blast it into 1000 pieces. God bless gunpowder.
What do we live for? or should I ask WHY?
Some of us manage to achieve something in this so-called “World” like having sonS and daughterS, wife/husband or Family itself. Others of us manage to achieve money and many more material things. But one thing I do not understand, WHY do we exist? There is no sense for us to live, we just achieve some of the things I mentioned above then we just die.. like we never, ever existed.
I know some of you will say something like “We live to create other lifes” “You are selfish,this is the Balance of our World” “You’re crazy” […]
And bittersweet.
I wish I was 15 again. I wish I could replay my entire life over and maybe then I wouldn’t so depressed. So bogged down with all these “Should have”s.
I want to run away. I want to run from all of this that I’ve failed. Run away from the college I flunked out of. The boyfriend I can’t seem to shake, that loves me, but reminds me of a life I want so hard to forget. To erase.
I want to feel the SWEET in BITTERSWEET like I did when I was 15, and not just pain. I want to feel you and taste you […]
Im excited.
No, really I am.
I’m going to Miami in a couple of days. It’s for my dad’s work and my cousins wedding. I’m going to see me family. im going to get out of this cold weather. Im going to see my cousin have the best day of her life.
Buuut, I’m also going to have to wear a swimsuit.
And, see my grandmas face fall when I walk in.
She doesnt like me that much. I’ve heard her say so. She doesnt approve of my “lifestyle”. She says Im a slutty, skater, who has no self control. I’m also a mess, bad example, and a future druggie.
Thanks […]
I want to know something …
Is it nice to have both your parents? Is it nice that you’ve never heard them yell or scream at each other? Is it nice that they support you no matter what?
Is it nice to live in that nice house? Is it nice to have lived in the same house you were born in? Is it nice to never have had to pack up and move and leave all your friends and memories behing because your parents couldnt afford your life there?
Is it nice to not worry about how you and your family is going to pay for your college […]
The majority of the posts that I have read are from people in High School. I get it high school is rough. Other students are mean. And you feel Your teachers, parents and family don’t understand you. I was there too at one point in my life. I am hoping that by sharing my story I can give others hope for a better out-look on life. Now before I continue with my story I need to say that I have thought about killing myself, I thought about pain less ways and painful ways. I also thought of ways to make it seem like an accident. But […]
For as long as I can remember, I’ve found myself unable to care or put forth effort for anything. I don’t pursue friendly or romantic relationships, and I don’t have any work ethic for academics or finding any sort of job. I’m a quick learner, so I’ve mostly been able to coast through high school on tests alone, though I’m currently at severe risk of needing to repeat my senior year next year. Due to my lackluster academic record and the fact that my family is barely above the poverty line, I have no prospects for college whatsoever.
The thought of suicide crosses my mind every […]
So, here it goes: I’m a failure. I didn’t pass one freaking exam this semester.
Consequence: I get my money cut off. So now I won’t have money for cigarettes, coffee, an occasional night out – pretty much all the little things that were keeping me alive.
I can’t kill myself yet. My mom is not strong enough to be able to take it yet. So that will have to wait for a little bit – no matter how much I wish I could do it now.
Solution: Get a Job. So I’m leaving in a little bit to try and go get job at the casino – […]
So tomorrow ‘s my birthday. I hope it’s better than it was last year.. I had one of the worst years last year and I was hoping this year would be better. I stopped taking my medication and I feel fine. But today I’m thinking I want to die again. I mean I always have my days when I want to end it but today, right now, I want to go to a better place. Somewhere people will stop judging me, somewhere I won’t be afraid to be myself. Somewhere where friends aren’t everything. I want to go to heaven with Jesus my savior. Its […]
I just don’t see the use of living anymore. I’ve had 4 breakdowns and each one gets worse. Nobody understands. I don’t have money so the only therapy I got was a grad student in psych. He’s a nice guy but not enough to scrap me off the wall. People say suicide is about wanting to end the pain, not so much about wanting to end your life. But I’m always in physical and emotional pain and yeah, I want it to end. BUT when you can’t get the help you need to get better, why fight it anymore? […]
when I go to ask for help I get too scared of being sent away and everyone’s judgement. what if they all think i’m crazy or insane or something,
My brother tries to talk to me when I’m crying and it just makes it worse and i just want to punch him in the face.
the man i looked up too, my grand father, passed. mt dad lost his job so now we have no money. my grades keep dropping, I’m cutting more and more.
I’m scared and helpless, I want help and a friend. I have tons of “friends” but none that are actually there for me. My […]
I’m a single mom and my whole world has collapsed around me. Â I was laid off from work and cannot find another job. Â The bank foreclosed on my home. Â My only vehicle broke down and was towed to an impound lot. Â My mother passed away and I couldn’t afford to go to her funeral – my own mother’s funeral. Â I’ll NEVER forgive myself!
I have no money at all…none! Â I can’t even get myself to the food pantry without a car. Â On top of everything else, Â I caught the flu, my washer machine flooded my home, the microwave started on fire, the garage door broke and […]
I have problems with myself. I believe everything in the world is beautiful ba me and some humans. I hate myself, because i have no friends etc. the usual nosh. Anyway, what really makes me angry and upset is my dad. I dont get along with my Dad, he is impossible. Im on summer holidays right now, and we have a grape farm. All holidays, seeing as i have no friends to go out with, i am in charge of keeping our very large house clean as well as things like laundry cooking etc.. and i also work on the farm (i’ve done 75+ hours […]
You disappear…
What have I done to deserve this?
I’ve always been the good child. The one who would eat all their veggies, do their homework, listen to their parents, do well in school and sports and yet I’m always the one at fault. Reading some of these posts, I really have no right to complain about my life because others have it worse than I do. I grew up with both parents, I’m healthy, and we don’t have to worry about money. What more could I ask? All I’ve wanted, was to have someone to love me or care for me. Unfortunately, some things in the […]