Hello everybody. I really hate alot of things about myself. I am also sick with social anxiety and clinical depression. I recently discovered that I’m transsexual. I’m an 18 year old attending college to get a mechanical engineering degree. I feel like if I transition I’m going to destroy everything I worked for because I heard that workplaces just hate hiring transgender people. I also feel like if I transition I’m going to end up still looking manly due to being fat, acne ridden and hairy. I am also half black and from what I researched and understand black male to female transgender people don’t […]
Tag:
my life
Tell me, what’s so great about being at college, this fucking college life? It’s suppose to be the best time of your life and since I’ve been here, this has been the worst 2 weeks probably in my life. Before I left to come here, do I dare say I was happy? I think that’s what happiness was, being surrounded by people who love you, don’t make you question their intentions and people who are around you just for the sake of enjoying your company. We didn’t really do much, we constantly just sat around smoking weed and talking, enjoying being with one another, but […]
On PlayStation Network I made an account called TransGirly. I intended it as sort of a beacon – other people who were either Transgender or questioning such could message me if they ever saw me on PlayStation Home and add me as a friend. There’s always strength in numbers, and that’s what I was going for. To have a circle of friends who could depend on one another if they needed it.
Today while I was on Home, two people approached me. They had club tags that read [<3 Jesus]. One of them began preaching to me about the rapture, how it was upon us, and […]
she was my motivation for college. now shes gone. i am nothing. there is no point anymore.
I’m 20 a mom and a wife, yet I still feel like suicide may be the only option to make everything better. My life isn’t that bad but all the physical and emotional abuse I’ve went through has added up and made me feel like it’s finally time to cut myself off. For a while I realized my life wasn’t that bad to where suicide had to be an option. Recently tho my husband has come out and told all that he doesn’t like about me. I’m pretty but have a mommy belly. When I was pregnant I gained over 100 pounds from eating, then […]
My dog was misbehaving a bit today, not the first time and I thought I’d just talk to her so she knows she can’t do what she did. Instead I slapped her in the head so hard that even I could not believe it. Instantly I knew I should not have done that and I regret it very much, but it was as if I was not there, it was someone else hitting her. I feel that dog would be happier some place else, so I will try looking for new home for her and after that I can die. I hope I will, because […]
The walls are closing in on me once again, and I feel as though I am suffocating. I’ve been trapped in this seemingly never ending abyss for just over eight years now, and everything seems to be getting worse. I have nothing to contribute to the world, except my death. Day in and day out, I have to force myself to get out of bed, and put on a happy facade. Putting on this facade is becoming increasingly difficult to do, and I just want to give up. I do not want to live. I am nothing but a […]
I am ugly. I am rude. I am vulgar. I am fake. I am useless. I am lazy.
My life is in a mess. I feel like I’m just going through the motions, without any purpose in my life. Why does anyone even want to live, when the end result is death? What’s the point in life?
If I left, people may be upset for a while, but they will forget soon enough.
I’ve had thoughts of suicide since primary school. Yet, I’m a coward. I’m afraid of pain. I’m afraid of cutting myself. I’m afraid that sleeping pills won’t kill me but make me suffer, physically, even […]
I tried to kill myself last month. I had wanted to kill myself for several years now, but it wasn’t until last month that I found the intense suicidal drive to plan an almost certainly lethal attempt. It took around 15 days to go from the decision to getting to a place where I could actually do it. But when I got there, with my handgun and my suicide notes, I just couldn’t do it. I tried so hard to pull the trigger, but I wasn’t psychologically prepared to kill myself. I’d still rather be dead than alive, but I just don’t have the psychological […]
In the end I know two things that are completely and utterly true; that I do not matter, and that I am not enough. All my life I have felt completely and utterly alone, and this is partly my doing. I pushed away my friends and I isolated myself because I didn’t want them to get hurt when I inevitably killed myself; and I am finding that I am once again feeling this way. I cannot take the pain anymore, and my life will never get any better if it hasn’t even marginally improved over the last eight years. I wanted […]
Today, 09/05, I just turn 25. I am just so blessed for being able to complete another year of my life.
So very blessed.
Today was a day like all days, nothing out of the ordinary. Simple, normal, even monotonous I could say. But it’s ok; it makes me happy just being alive. I make sure my parents hear me saying that. I am so blessed. (help me). I am finishing my Production Engineering course at the end of the year and I am glad. (please help me) this is definitely what I want for my life. I make sure my friends hear me saying that. (somebody) […]
hanging is supposed to be a sure fire method, I was putting all the pressure on my carotid and jugular veins, and nothing. sat like that for a half hour and nothing. nobody cares about me in real life. my family only speaks to me if I speak to them first. the one I love, who is truly the only person that’s Ever made me happy, won’t come home and let me help him. I wish I had someone who cared about me half as much as I care about him. but no, he ‘belongs’ in Kentucky, where he ‘doesn’t fit in’ and we both […]
A lot of people say that your Senior year is supposed to be supper easy as hell and the most fun that one can have, so I must be living the wrong life. So far, my life has been filled with pressure and stress and I am emotionally and physically tired.
What could I do to release some of the stress I’ve been living? What else is there besides cutting?
By now I’ve cut multiple lines into my skin, creating a twisted piece of artwork that is full of scratches and swelling cuts and the one problem I have is how I can’t tell anyone else what […]
I’ve been researching a lot about reasons to live. Not because I have a friend or a family member or even an acquaintance that has decided to take a step towards ending their life but because of the fact that I want to end my life. My extreme anxiety and shyness makes me wonder if my reasons to commit suicide are the same as the general populations–or maybe I’m researching because I can’t decide on one specific reason why all these thoughts haunt me in the few hours I am not forcing myself to take a nap.
Either way, everything I have found so far […]
I’ve been having these dreams for awhile now. I’ll be in a certain time period of my life. Last night I had a dream that I was in the year 2004 again. Everything was so vivid. I was able to see my 8-year-old self. How full of life she was, how innocent she was, how much she admired her father, and loved her grandmother, how annoyed she would be by her sister, even then. My dream became lucid halfway through, and I ran into this bathroom. I tried looking at myself in the mirror but I couldn’t see my reflection, I tried to wash my […]
I guess my last post wasn’t very explanatory. I’m still in highschool. Just a kid to most people…
I was in elementary school the first time my mom went to jail. I woke up one morning and she just wasn’t there. The story is that my dad and her had gotten in to a huge fight-physically too-and when someone called the cops she was arrested because she was so intoxicated.
Over the next few years she kept drinking heavily. It got to a point that I wouldn’t see her for days or weeks at a time because she was locked in her room drinking or even popping […]
I’ve been feeling more than just a little down the last few days. I’ve always known that my MDD will come and go, regardless of the good and bad things in my life. The state of the world these days just seems to indicate there is no viable solution to the hate and killing. Why stick around and continue the vicious cycle?
This is One Blood by Terence Jay. A good representation of my attitude.
Well, I sure did put my 2.5 cents in today on many comments. I was inspired, for lack of a better word.
Whew. Apparently, a muse somewhere struck me with the writing bug this morning. Or, y’know, too much caffeine to know what to do with myself.
I will be gone for a few days. My mother’s memorial service is tomorrow, and I’m taking the rest of the weekend to remember and honor her. I’m sad she died, but I’m relieved she’s not suffering anymore. I know without a doubt she’s responsible for the events in the past two days. It’s my mother’s undying love […]
I am a single mother of two… I just had to terminate my 5th pregnancy and I am only 25. I pissed of my boyfriend by using him and not talking with him, and he was the love of my life. My kids are spoiled and I feel like a stupid slut most of the time. My father sold me sexually from 5 on… And abused me emotionally, physically and sexually. My parents told me I was an accident. I was not meant to be here. I found myself skimming dating and sex sites looking for the man who I will never find. After the […]
I’ve accepted that I’m too pessimistic or depressing for anyone to like or take seriously. I would have lost many friends if I were honest about how I feel. I remember being judged in therapy sessions for telling the truth, like how I was bored during a conversation.
Still, I don’t know what to do. I don’t really like humanity, nor do I really like existence at all. I try my best to ignore reality and daydream, or think of ideal, romanticised situations that have never happened in my life.