survive my suicide attempt. Only one. Straight forward attempt. I worry if I try again I won’t be successful and I’ll have created even more problems for myself. But I really wish it would have worked back then so that I didn’t still have to struggle. Cause pain. Live a meaningless life filled with unfinished projects, poverty, sadness, shame, isolation, regret. I just wonder what’s the fucking point to any of it. Why did I survive. My life has no grand purpose. I’m just another shmuck trying to get by, trying to stay sane, powerless, defeated and over it. I want to try again but […]
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my life
so i mentioned in an earlier post today and i try not to post more than once a day. but i thought i was fine after i swerved off the road and spun the car and whatever but im not. im fine physically. but i had to go in a car for a half hour twice today and the first time i was just trying not to cry, and i thought it was because of all the terrible shit happening in my life recently and the fact that i was going to come back down on thursday and see the one person who i know […]
I failed you baby, on 1-18-15 I fucked up and I failed you. I wasn’t there for you when you really needed me, my bipolar wasn’t medicated or known yet and I freaked out, I made the worse/stupidest mistake of my life and I kicked you out our house when you needed me. I failed you in every way possible as your man that day, and I failed our lil family… I tore it apart. I’m the reason we’re not together anymore. I got help, I knew something was wrong and I got help…found out I’m bipolar and have anxiety, I go to therapy/ counseling […]
I was setting up the Christmas tree, bittersweetly aware that it would be my last Christmas, when my (grownup) son joined me for a bit, and reminisced about bits of decoration – a garland he had made in primary school – little fake parcels he had thought as a kid to contain lollies, only to discover to is great disappointment that they just contained tiny blocks of styrofoam – no matter how many of them he opened LOL
For some reason that broke through to me. All the sudden the abstract “my sons love me” became alive again.
So lets just say, I am now a bit […]
While meeting my husband, I need a mask that tells him that he is a real nice, caring spouse and he does knows everything about me. While meeting my parents, I need a mask that tells them that they were right in their every parenting decision, including arranging my marriage. While talking to the siblings, yet another mask that makes them feel secure and protected by their big sis. Yet another mask for co-workers and acquaintances (well I don’t have friends, Let me rephrase it, I never HAD any friends) to make them like me. Sometimes, I feel I need a mask just to look in the […]
Hi there. I just want to share my story. I’m kind new around, i’m from Portugal.
Well all my life i have been very negative, in my concept, i call it, realistic. Why do people think positive? do they want to get hitted hard in face when things fall? Anways its just my thing i guess, and im very hard person to motivate, i watch everyone, and they all got a dream, they want to be someone, and have some carrer. The thing is that i never dreamed or wanted to be something, all i asked at my teenager age was someone to connect, guess what, i […]
Sorry, long post…
I’ve been very well for quite a while, but in the last two months, depression has crept back in. I’ve been reading SP for a while now, again, after a long absence. After a long and slow build-up during the last few weeks I’ve today finally come to the decision that my life will end. My sons have reached adulthood, they were always the main reason for me to fight on, and they are still a good reason to do so, but not with the same absoluteness than when they were still underage, and I was the absolutely only family they had.
Well, I […]
I’ve made too many mistakes. My life is like a painting that’s been painted over again and again, so much that the errors, the repulsive missteps can’t be hidden anymore. It’s just a big, hot mess. I never knew what Selective Service was until I was too old to register. I waited to start college too late in life. That’s how I found out. I was filing for aid and discovered a problem that I would eventually realize would keep me from ever attending college. I can never get federal aid. My credit has never been good enough to qualify for private loans. So, that’s […]
ive finally done it, found the one thing in this stupid world that makes my life worth living.. his name is Jimmy. Jimmy changes everything, all of my goals, all of my feelings, but i cant help but still be depressed. i have major chronic depression.. everything makes me want to kill myself except for him, this beautiful human being that is just as fucked up as i am. the thing is that, he doesnt truly understand how fucked up i am. he believes that he, along with a future we’ve planned together should be enough to make me entirely happy. i want to be […]
I’m drunk so if any of this is kind of drunk sounding… lol
I spent the last 8 months planning it. Now someone I thought was gone is back in my life. Kind of, anyway. Don’t know what I should do. I set everything up. I made sure everything would be as hard as possible to fix and get put back together in my life so I couldn’t chicken out. Even if I an turn it around, what would be the point? Is there even a point to life, or a place in it for someone so screwed up?
Is it bad that nowadays I find myself not caring about absolutely anything? I don’t have any drive or motivation in my life, and it seems sometimes like things which used to interest me, now cease to exist in my daily life whatsoever. This all began at the beginning of this year (I’m currently a Sophomore in high school). 15 year old me wanted to fit in, be accepted into a certain clique, hang out with new people, do well on my exams, study hard, and to generally just view the world from a whole new perspective for once in my life. Before this year, […]
Its 2015 Before May my cousin still keeps on doing the same dame things to me I wish he would stop which he did around my he came back but with a girl good god yes his stop I thought. But no when his girl wasnt around he would still do the sexual things but this time he whispered in my ear while he forced me to have sex with him and took my v card but he told me “to bad I stool your v card now no guy would want to go out with you or marry you ” when he […]
You could have never known, and things would be no different. I tried to stay in touch; I made it clear I valued your friendship. I know life can be busy, and when so many people are on the edge of depression it’s hard to get excited about anything at all.
Even a person.
You’re forgiven for that, just like you always have been. I’ve never been known for a shortage of apologies after all; but you don’t get to pretend you just lost me.
You lost a little of me when I told you that secret, the one I could barely face myself, and you made me […]
I need to tell my story.
I am in my 25th year. I have been a great performer all my life. I was always in the top 5 throughout my school. Topper of my college for three straight years during graduation. I stood at third place in the university during the final year of my graduation. I thought of being a person who would bring a change in this world. I thought of being someone of importance. And then I went for my post graduation. And then everything changed.
I could not understand programming. I was good in arts though. I would write poems, was an amateur […]
Thought I was feeling better and maybe I am. But think its time to start coming up with a plan. Because I don’t want another or anything else for that matter in my life anymore. I still feel empty and sad, but I do things. I’m not in bed anymore. I try to move on and see other people, but don’t want to anymore. I fell in love with that girl and thought it was real between the both of us, but it was just me. I relized I fooled myself again or whatever. But also feel ready to go. Lived the best I could […]
I’ve been so angry for the past two days and I don’t really know why, I just have this rage inside me that’s extremely hard to control. I’m becoming more violent and my already small amount of patience is dwindling to nothing. All day I’ve felt like punching a wall, or punching someone. My skin feels tingly when I’m angry and I’m not gonna lie, it feels good. I feel like I’m invincible and like no one can touch me. Three nights ago, my girlfriend temporarily disabled her Instagram account and I was really worried and I spiraled down so fast, and ever since that […]
Lately I have had insomnia (again). I mean I always liked not sleeping at night, guess I just liked the quiteness and tranquil aspect about it.
Yet too much crazy things are happening in my life. Do you guys ever feel like that? How reality seems stranger than fiction, and not at all how like it used to be when you were a kid. I think I am going insane, or maybe I already am…
I don’t know why crazy things are always happening in my life. It’s more than just a coincidence. Like how my life panned out. It goes all the way to my grandfather, […]
Hi.
Like many others here I have suicidal thoughts but I am not depressed. I don’t think they have to go hand in hand. Even though, I have experienced depression about 5 years ago severly and on -off 3 years at least after that. But now it is as if I don’t remember it anymore.
I feel numb. This spring 2015 I experienced psychosis during which I burned my life to the ground. (Figuratively). I quit university, threw away everything I had, lost friends and over all sense of direction. I did some more crazy stuff and ended up in a […]
If someone asked me why I want to kill myself, why I want to be dead, what would I say? I don’t have a real reason anymore. I know I can fix things in my life to get better. I have someone helping me figure out my future. I have goals in my life. I want to start a family. I want to write a book. I want to be a teacher. But I also want to kill myself. I don’t know the reason anymore for it. There are small issues in my life, but I’m trying to fix them. I am. I’m trying so […]
I’m scared…..what if I never get my life together.