Hi there. I just want to share my story. I’m kind new around, i’m from Portugal.
Well all my life i have been very negative, in my concept, i call it, realistic. Why do people think positive? do they want to get hitted hard in face when things fall? Anways its just my thing i guess, and im very hard person to motivate, i watch everyone, and they all got a dream, they want to be someone, and have some carrer. The thing is that i never dreamed or wanted to be something, all i asked at my teenager age was someone to connect, guess what, i found better than that, i found someone who is really like me (never felt so naturally connect to someone like this), since than my life become something that worth to live for, just without big plans, just enjoying, than many years passed by.
The big true is that i didnt know much things about tomorrow, but i knew that i was the lucky one, like i’ve been blessed, all i always asked for was to do not loose this.
I can tell you that i’ve been very logical all my entire life, i dont say things because im angry, i dont act because i dont like. I consider myself a really reasonable person, maybe too much, i do understand everyone and i always give to them many chances , after they keep doing it wrong, this is who i am i guess. Some people says my heart is too big.
Now the thing is, months ago i can admit that for the first time in my damn life (25y) i acted impulsively, im not saying that things were perfect, after so many years things got bit tired, but the person that i am, and about what i believe, we just need to work out the things to fix… for some reason i met someone else and i completely lost my mind(can’t justify why), went blind, had a wrong decision that ended up soon. Well ill not make it much longer but the point is that i dont know what happened to me, i broke all my beliefs, i broke the person, i broke myself.
Right to the point, i lost “all” i always really wanted, and its paint in the ass when people does not give you a chance, just one, its like everyone fails, everyone makes mistakes..
Once i believed that i was blessed i trully did, but now.. not sure what to believe.. i lost my strengh, my light, there’s nothing that drives me anymore, im back to -1, and all that i keep feeling is hopeless, you know, i find myself thinking about to die, suicide i can admit that sounds bit creepy, i mean, we really need big balls, because our body fight to much to stay alive, even if you dont have anythig to go for, but i became worthless, hopeless, sad person, i lost my soul if there’s one, lost part of me. It is like .. if is it ending tomorrow? i don’t care anymore i guess.
Without the person, things are to dark, to dirty, to cheap. I dont like to party, i dont drink, i dont smoke, i dont like cheap people, i have anxiety, im not like everyone else, im not anymore and i always never be, i lost my today and tomorrow.
I find myself almost crying at work(where i need to live a lie, smiling and pretend to be okay to everyone) and actually crying at lauch time, i cant go to classes, just one discipline to complete graduation (yes made this for some kind of future, with me and the person, we all need money to survive right..), i drive till some places to stay alone and cry, i go out alone, lost. I wake up every new day so empty, guilty, ashamed, missing the person, its nasty.. i can eat properly and so on. Im such a mess.
Like i’ve mentioned above, i’ve developed some kind of anxiety few years ago (happened when i lost something that i loved but ill not tell about everthing because you guys will get bored), and it’s killing me, now that im alone .. with all those feelings, in resume, its like i feel traped inside my body. When it hits me in the face, i can’t get confortable, i start thinking about the things, like i dont want to die like this, and i have some trouble breathing, it’s in my mind most likely but it makes me tired, and its like there’s nothing that i can enjoy or nowhere i can go. im afraid of living a life that i dont really want to live anymore, how strange is that?
I visited some profissional help, but i stoped, there’s no money enough and she gave up on me anways, like the person.. big question, if they do why dont i?
I lost the war, I died, I feel like lived enough. sorry for that long post.
21 comments
Allitends,
Think positive and expect the worst!
Life really isn’t complicated we make it that way, life is like making a bet at the horse track, mostly your going to lose, and if you win, you still lose, there is no winning just small victories then Blam you lose! sure we tend to look at others that achieve some kind of fame, or make money, this or that but they all lose one day. we only can do are best. then lose! 🙂 accept that and you win! then you lose! life is about struggling if you have fun along the way great.
Its okay, i know life is not easy, sometimes we loose sometimes we win, right. But theres many things that stays with US till the end, things that give us motivation, and power to overcome the troubles and when they die we die with them. It s like you feel that you, and your life will never be the same. When you hit the top and than you fall down, you cant find the way to the top anymore. Its just.. I never asked that much, i really dont caré about being ritch, famous or even beautifull.. I just wanted the person, maybe a forgiveneess for my first mistake in life. Its very hard to be kind and do not get the same. Its not fair, its life.. People doesnot really caré about ea other anymore, it s not my world.
You know, today is the anniversary of my suicide attempt. I made it however things aren’t fine at all – they are better. Did you try medicines? Maybe they would help you. I am not surprised that regular therapy doesn’t work, eh…neither it does for me.
Where do you live in Portugal? Just region, Faro, Porto, Lisboa? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want. I’m asking because my boyfriend is Portuguese and every month I am trying to fly 3500km to him. Next time I will be flying over Portugal I will think about you and I will send you good energy.
I would like to write something nice for you, but the only things I know in Portuguese are connected to food.
Hugs.
Woo congratz i guess, im sure that your life trully matters for your boy, so just hold on there..
For the anxiety ive tried a few psychiatrists but medications does not get me i guess. Its mind thing, thats my guess.
Well food is great start i guess, but depends on the day ..
Thanks for the energy .
I’m sorry you feeling like that. Don’t you have free professional help at your college? I’m asking cause I’m from Portugal too and in my I have. If you still have to finish that discipline you should inform yourself about it and get help again.
Hey,
I m not sure about that free help, but i dont that CSN help, they cant do that much, its my thing in the end.
About the discipline, i didnt get what you were trying to say, can you? Pls.
What I tried to say was that if you are still studying you likely are entitled to receive psychological help. I understood that you are still studying, but if not you can always try the national health service.
Ah i will see what i can get, but i doubt that it can help. In my opinion this is that kind of things that once with you , always with you, you know.
Sometimes we cannot be fixed. maybe im wrong but it’s not what i feel, thats not what i see around.
LittleBead,
i couldn’t help but think when you said “You know, today is the anniversary of my suicide attempt.”
sorry if what i’m going to say seems stupid?
i just thought should i give you flowers? what if you died? who wants flowers when they are dead? crazy thinking i guess!
I agree Rocketman, flower are wasted on the dead. blackdog should buy some flowers and display them proudly.
I’m sorry SP, but I’m going to comment in Portuguese.
Oi, Allitends. Acredite, eu compreendo muito bem muitas coisas você descreveu. Também me sinto presa dentro do meu corpo, é uma prisão terrível. Eu costumo acordar cedinho pela manhã, e olho pro céu lá fora, e fico pensando quantos anos mais eu precisarei viver nessa prisão. Eu, como você, sou uma pessoa bem jovem (23 anos). Não sei se quero continuar nesse corpo. As vida pra mim perdeu seu gosto, tornou-se dolorosa de viver…
Você diz que perdeu o seu ontem e o seu amanhã — eu também perdi as mesmas coisas, e perdi também o meu hoje.
Não posso te aconselhar em nada, eu também estou perdida, mas eu desejo para ti um mundo de alegrias novas. Espero que num futuro próximo tu encontres o teu amanhã.
Abraços.
Ah, esqueci de dizer, sou do Brasil. Você já deve ter percebido pelas pequenas diferenças gramaticais. Mas sou metade portuguesa, meu pai era português. Eu esqueci de digitar a palavra “que” ali nas primeiras linhas, opa. Enfim, tudo de bom.
Well Tristeza, it’s the year 3079 and there’s something called translate.google.com and browsers translate as well. I’ve found it to still not be as good as a native speaker because of how language works and with just various shades and nuances, but it’s still the next best thing. 🙂
Hey that works really well on Portuguese. I wonder if that is how a lot of the folks on here are able to post when English isn’t their first language, aside from the obvious, which is they are multi lingual.
@October & HDS Google translate isn’t perfect, but it does help! Last time I tried talking to someone in Portuguese on SP they said we shouldn’t do that because they wanted others to understand what we were saying, that’s why I apologized lol.
Actually google translate is pretty decent if you can re-arrange sentences, since it scrambles everything you put into it (since it translates words, but doesn’t fix grammar). BTW, glad to see you’re out of the hospital Tristeza, i don’t know how they are over there, but in here they are enough to turn a “normal” person into a depressed one, hah.
Thank you, Mf. I didn’t stay there for long enough, but I don’t doubt that I’d feel worse in the long run. They wanted me to stay for 72h, but my permission would give them consent to keep me for longed if needed — I mean, what? No.
I translated some sentences and words for Google translate a few months ago. I confess I felt important doing that to help the fantastic world of the Internet lol.
Gotta go back to *real life* now. Stay well, SP.
PS. Oh yeah, ignore how terrible my English is right now (extra words, typos, yadda yadda yadda) lol. That’s why commenting in Portuguese is always a fantastic experience.
Olá, Tristeza. Tenho acompanhado os teus posts e a tua história e lamento as coisas horríveis pelas quais passaste. Mas queria dizer-te que admiro a tua a coragem e tua a força. Estares aqui hoje só mostra que és uma guerreira. Espero que continues a ter a força necessária para lutares contra os teus demônios e espero que te encontres de novo.
É caso para dizer may the force be with you.
PS: espero que não tenha mal tratar-te por tu, hábito português.
Nenhum mal em usar “tu”. Na verdade, usamos tu também aqui na minha cidade (boa parte do Brasil fala tu ao invés de você, mas São Paulo, a grande cidade que produz programas de televisão e música pro exterior usa “você”, daí poucos sabem disso). Mas quando dígito eu costumo escrever você simplesmente por força do hábito também.
Muito obrigada por ter lido meus posts, e pelas tuas palavras de incentivo. Garanto que fico muito feliz (:
Abraços and I wish you the very best, Blackdog
Thanks, life is hard right? I use to say, some of us win some dont, some strugle some give up at some point, it is all just okay, we all do our best. Nothing really matters i guess.