Well today is my birthday. The only reason im putting it out there is that I really didnt think I would make it to 40. Now im here im happy about it. Im proud of myself for not giving in to the destruction of addiction and keeping on trying to stop using no matter how many relapses I have. Im glad that I haven’t comitted suicide. The thoughts of ending have abated and I have found some things to live for. Im glad for new people in my life, no matter where they are. (Oops I think im writing a gratitude list). Thank u to […]
Possible problem.
Last night I logged off and went to bed hours earlier than usual. I laid there and cried for what was probably an hour before falling asleep.
When I woke up today, I found that a friend had emailed me 20 minutes after I’d logged off. The email was brief and very desperate sounding, begging me to be there and answer. This friend has been in a suicidal mindset for quite a few months now; possibly even longer. Lately they’ve gotten more and more serious about it.
I […]
Fist things first. Since this is a tale of redemption it needs a soundtrack. What better than Cordless’s ode to HDS:
http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Hyper-Haze.mp3
Now for the tale…
Last May I was at the pet store buying kibble or something related to cats when I found myself staring at the feeder tank. For those folks unfamiliar with feeders they are these little goldfish that are sold to feed to other fish. They are considered throw away fish. I stood there for fifteen minutes watching these little fish swim around, crowded, frantic. They didn’t know their own fate, they only knew the tank they resided […]
I’ve been crying more and more often. I’m going on 57 years old, I’ve been living with HIV for almost half of my life, and in recent years I’ve been becoming increasingly resigned to the prospect of finishing out the rest of my life alone and unloved. I’ve been in two 5-year relationships in the past, both with guys who knew of my HIV status and accepted it, but ultimately decided that the grass on the other side of the fence was just a bit greener. It’s been 12 years since I’ve had the simple pleasure of walking up in the morning WITH someone else.
A […]
I’m wide awake. I’d rather be asleep but I’m having horrible allergies today. Spent a lot of time outside and the trees are greening up and flowering and I’m getting crazy spring allergies. Even with medication. I spent my outside time working on one of my gardens, this year I want to have two, one just for flowers and plants, the other for vegetables, fruits and herbs. I planted two hydrangeas and moved a bunch of plants to a different area. I don’t really have that much garden space so I have to be creative. I am so alive when I work outside in the […]
So I told a friend abut my family problems. I don’t know if it was good or bad to. We were talking about our lives and things going on and it slipped out… She didn’t say anything to comfort me which I wished she did because it’s still quite a new pain. But she talked to me how she is going through some semi-similar stuff too. In the end, I don’t know. I regret mentioning it kind of. I’ve only mentioned it on SP and it feels weird to have actually talked it out. Anyways how is everyone else? I hope everyone is doing well, […]
so over my short period of life iv had to deal with addictions because of this fucking void that needs to be filled so in high school it was weed I smoked weed everyday to till this fucking dark hole and then after I left college guess what that void needed next alcohol so I went though a period of drinking everyday because that void didn’t like weed no more then the void needed food so I eat and put so a hell of a lot of weight but then the void didn’t need food just the alcohol was enough to keep it filled so […]
With all guitar talk today, I decided I’d post a video. How to be an awesome guitarist TODAY! no experience needed.
in South Africa, we have this zulu word that directly translated means peopleness. yet being in this world for 23 years I dont think such exists. u feel people dont truly care about others. I know im not making sense but just needed to vent.
Reading people’s reasons for being on SP, I feel in comparison, that I have very little to complain about. My childhood was mostly a very happy and stable time in my life.
I realise now though that the insular life we led was because Mum and Dad were so in love, that they only needed each other and that was enough for them. This doesn’t mean I didn’t feel they loved me, I always knew that. It’s just I grew up with a sense of exclusion, of being judged and constantly found wanting and just not being good enough. After going through counselling, I […]
Just a thought, but does any one else feel the weight of your future, and notice how light it is? Do you feel like whatever lies in front of you will be so minuscule that it’s not really worth fighting for such a small success? I don’t know, call me a whiny ***** but I can’t really get my mind off of it lately. I guess I give off the same vibes as any other depressed, jobless sonofabitch. But I can’t say I blame me, or anyone else for feeling that way. When you get sucked into a state of depression, or are overpowered by your […]
I hate to feel sick of working already when it’s my first year. But I feel useless and like I can’t ever be up to the level everyone else is on, and I’ll always be such a no good underperformer. I used to think I was smart but it’s not book smarts you need. It’s being normal, knowing how everyone else thinks, and creating systems that follow the normal thinking patterns that I’m clueless on. I’m sick of not having any energy, being so short of breath, coughing & gagging like a smoker when I’ve never smoked, being tired all the time and overall physically […]
Is it fair that I blame my mom for what happened? I mean after all, she does have 4 child and she needed to work, right? She needed to be out, RIGHT? But what about me? Was it my fault for wearing such short skirts and shorts? Is it possible that I actually provoked him? What if I had trusted someone? If maybe I hadn’t been so damn scared, then maybe, just maybe Mom would love me, right? Stupid hope. She’s always trying to get in and then karma -like the ***** she is- comes around and destroys it. Of course Mom would never love […]
It’s almost 8 years to the day now when I got the call, that mom needed to come over to tell me something, and seated in the worn-out dingy couch on the porch, dark outside, the words spilling from her into me, something that could not be taken back, something final, a new reality shocked into me.
I remember somehow taking it so well, the determination to be strong overcoming any flirtation with falling apart or to pieces about it. It was his decision, and that’s what he did, he is no longer in pain, there’s nothing that can be done about it and we’ll […]
Lately I’ve tried to respond to posts here on SP and for some reason they don’t show up. Wtf? Even SP is rejecting me. I am at the end of my rope. I’m unemployed and can’t find a job and I’m going to run out of money soon. I’m scared and alone and freaking out. I just want to sleep forever and not have to deal with this nightmare called life. I wish I could find the strength to over come my fear of failing at my suicide attempt. The method I have access to takes about 24 hours and I’m scared of getting found […]
rain falling around me
can’t tell if weather is warm
or why I am cold?
fame falls all around me
can’t tell if I should just hide or run
some people hold onto their misery,
a token of their lives
painted faces, warlike, they march on
feel the end near, blinding and screaming
for blood they’d do anything
got two tickets to Peridon, just can’t sleep
I’ve got no reason to worry ’cause it’s just a dream
on my way to the classroom
lit the fire
it’s a burning desire
murder
water is needed
hate seems always following
can’t tell if I can run, can’t find my way […]
Tonight is the night. I told myself I’d wait a month… if I still desired closure by then, I’ll know I waited things out till I couldn’t anymore. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of getting lost in my suicidal thoughts and wishing one day they’d come true.
I’m finally letting go. I’ll finally be at peace. I’ll finally get to sleep through the night.
It’s quite empowering having what is needed floating around in my backpack, just waiting for the day it’s finally used.
I’ll give it till tonight to confirm my decision. I don’t know why I felt like posting here. […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I’m tired of this cold world. For you to reject my offered hand with a slap, you’ve made your point clear.
I’ll be leaving later but know this… I would’ve tried my best to keep you afloat. I wouldn’t give up until I got you ashore. I would’ve gave you CPR for as long as you needed. If none of that was possible, I would’ve drowned with you in the icy, cold water, instead of drowning alone like I currently am.
Whatever. It doesn’t matter, anyway. I’m going to trade this cold for something warmer soon… Even if it is burning.
Hello, Father. I never did live up to your expectations… Well, I guess I should thank you for creating me… That is creating this monster that shouldn’t exist! Even if it was just a chemical imbalance, it’s far too late to change anything! This family is already broken. Yet, you are too blinded to realize your actions are doing more harm than good. Enjoy your “freedom”, father.
Hello, Mother. You tell me to ignore the irrationality of father but it doesn’t matter anymore. A madness far worse than depression has already set in. It’s rather funny if you think about it… A one million dollar investment […]
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