no home, no friends, anymore. they think i dont care. no love, no hope, no qualifications, no school (depression sorted that out). i need somewhere to go where i can be myself and not be reminded i have a disgusting family that want to ruin my reputation and shit all over my fathers memory. now i feel like i have to push mum away because shes not doing it right. every single aspect of my life seems messed up. ive had it all my life “your life is like a soap”. yeah, well im never gunna forget my friend telling me that, in second year. […]
Tag:
no hope
im really unsure on what to say anymore. its not like i can go on facebook and talk about what i really want to talk about without alarming the people im close to. i used to be okay. i used to have the ability to turn the pain off at the snap of a finger. now its gone. the switch has been flipped and im unable to turn it off. all i can think about is death and ending the pain. why havent i done it already? i have nothing left to look forward to. the love of my life decided to move across the […]
Mirror mirror on the wall
Please tell me who I’m looking for
Mirror mirror on the wall
Why do you allow my reflection let me fall
Mirror mirror on the wall
I cannot tell how old or young I am anymore
Mirror mirror on the wall
Your making me sad when I see you evermore
I cannot look in mirrors any longer
With mirrors around there’s no hope of me getting stronger
I delude myself but covering the truth when I look in them
With the help of lies that substances bring whence in my system
Though I am always stuck; are mirrors the illusions?
Or is […]
I am 51 years old. This is not about fleeting moments of sadness or bad days or a broken and lonely heart. I have family that loves me, friends and a good job. I have no reason to be sad and miserable, but I am. I am tired and bored and depressed. I no longer have any fight in me, no desire, no hope of better days to come. The thought of living another twenty years, another ten or even another year is nearly unbearable to me. Life for some of us was never meant to be long. For whatever reason, some of us just […]
Surrounded by people yet all alone.
The summer sun bright in the sky.
Yet she felt nought but the cold of a dreaded winter
Finally she had opened up.
She allowed the world to know the pain she’d hidden inside all her life.
Yet the euphoria lasted but a couple of weeks
Like a waterfall she fell dramatically back into dysphoria
Her heart ached as she laid in her bed, the drugs numbing her body but not her mind.
She embraced her fears but she’d come this far and had just fallen.
Why were they helping someone that was corrupted, possessed by the darkness that haunted […]
I’ve been suffering pretty severe depression for roughly four and a half years now. Throughout this entire battle I’ve had with the snakes in my head, the demons in my personality, nothing has helped. I’ve been on different types of drugs, I’ve seen councilors, I’ve talked to friends and family in a search for hope and understanding – and I always end up back in this state of desperation. It’s reasonably well known that there are suicidal people who don’t actively want to die, they just want the pain to cease. The thing is, I actually want to die. I’ve had on and off feelings […]
I’ve struggled my whole life with depression and for a very very long time I’ve been convinced that suicide is by far the most likely way that I will die. I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve done everything right. I’m doing the drug/therapy thing, I quit drinking, and I exercise regularly. Unfortunately none of these can stop the heart crushing loneliness that I feel so often. I hate my job, I’m broke, and I have no real friends around here, but those aren’t the main reasons I think I’m going to kill myself soon. Ever since getting treatment for depression I’d have short periods […]
I question my existence every waking minute. It doesn’t matter if I’m awake or asleep, I live within nightmares whether lucid or subconsciously. I have tried everything to change my mind but there is nothing left for me here. I fear myself to be a burden to those whom I love and in my demise I feel as though I would free them of their constant angst due to the worry they possess for me. The problem is; I don’t want to die! But I am not living. This is not living. I am merely respiring, merely going through the motions of being alive. Yet […]
Dana-Christine Umanetz
“…I felt sad, because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something that nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it’s already happened.”
This is me I feel like this every day!
The last time I was on this site I was suffering with a sucidal mind and it’s come back. I just imagine the rafters and hanging off them. […]
ive been up for 2 days now, no sleep. im so damn sad. ive got no friends to tell things to. ive got an issue on my hands. a very big damn issue.. dont know what to do. when someone asks me what’s wrong, that just makes the whole situation a lot worse. Hysterical crying begins because of my shittiness and non self-worth. honestly, im not good at anything, i really dont like people that much, and the people that i do like, i’ve pushed every damn one away. I’m pretty sure i’m bi-polar now, cause i went through one of those mania phases last […]
Years of pain. Years of searching. Years of planning even. Now, after years of searching,when I have obtained the requirement for my exit I have been advised that they are changing the law here in relation to Advance Directives. There is now some hope that I can have some say in my exit. Could I ask of those of you from different counties and cultures have Advance Directives or Living wills etc worked. I would also advise all to consider this, even when I could see no hope or alleviation of the pain something happened that even slightly lightened my load.
As this summer toils on, I’m left contemplating how things change in life. I’ve spent the last four months watching my life degrade. Losing people who meant the world to me, losing my job. Watching things that I used to enjoy and even take a bit of pleasure in wither away. But mostly I’ve been thinking about how different I thought this summer would be. Instead of planning my death, right now I was supposed to be planning my wedding. Instead of watching people slip away, I was supposed to be preparing to welcome a child within the next year or so. Now, I find […]
I don’t understand myself. I am truly privileged; I have a family that puts me in their best interests, friends who care about me, I’m not poor, not sick, I live an average middle class life and I have no hope for it.
A future that would satisfy me is not realistic. In order to anticipate the future I would have to be a different person and be extremely lucky. I dread the future and feel haunted by the past. A friend told me to focus on the present but I struggle to find pure happiness in my present life.
I know what should make me happy […]
I am a gambling addict, I have borrowed money, stolen from my parents, even embezzled from my work to fund my addiction.
I am 32 and a father of two young boys aged 3 & 9, I practically have no relationship with my wife, I guess we are still together only because of the kids…
The current situation is that all the chickens are going to come home to roost. My lenders are lining up outside my door every morning, I don’t think I can hide my embezzlement at work for too long.
I have three options,
1. Stick a gun up my mouth,
2. Run away start a new […]
I hate it so much. There is simply no space in the world for a giant man in a dress. That’s what I am. A giant man in a dress. I am tired of feeling jealous of women, tired of feeling like I can’t catch my breath. Anxiety constantly. It feels like there is no hope, nowhere for me to go. I feel like such a freak. I’m tired of hating the way I look, tired of hating that there’s nothing I can do about it, just tired. I’m exhausted from self loathing. I don’t know how much more pain I can take. There is […]
I don’t want to kill myself. I do want to die. Two sentences that I have said in my head and out loud for years. It’s not that I don’t have people who care and/or love me only, that’s the reason I don’t know if I could actually do it myself. I have recently been fully diagnosed with Bipolar 2 with psychotic symptoms.
Still something I have a hard time even thinking without some sort of unchecked rage or hysteria. It’s simple why I want to die though, really. There is no hope. I’m rotting from the brain out. All that will happen is I […]
I sit still awake at 11 am. The sun briefly hits my pale, pasty skin. My body aches, I am in excruciating agony. My pain threshold is finite, but it has been growing over the years. However, when the pain exceeds this mark, as it does daily, I am no longer competent. I cannot think clearly, I cannot do anything that requires thought. I wait. That’s the only thing I can do. There is no awareness, there is no relief, and there is no reason. Just pure unadulterated pain. I feel like a junkie, I have lost interest in everything and everybody, and I cannot […]
My life is on a steady decline.
I’ve had depression and anxiety all of my life, along with being fairly intelligent with an above-average aptitude for lateral thinking. I could always enthrall myself with studying random areas of science or mathematics for the sheer pleasure of learning, and I followed through with most everything that I was trying to learn. I had motivation and optimism for my future as I progressed through high school as a relatively happy (sort of) and healthy teenager.
Then came the turn. My girlfriend and I went to separate colleges. The long-distance relationship couldn’t last, and she ended it. I ended up […]
So Andrei and I conceived this piece about 3 months ago, we both recorded our parts about 2 months ago, but we’ve had the track in post-production since then. This will definitely appear to music pretty soon, but we both thought that it could stand okay raw for people that like poetry.
As always, the poem is below for people that like to read along.
You’re Gone
[Bullfrog]
I loved everything about you,
From your nervous smile to the way your face would flush without warning when you felt the slightest bit uncomfortable.
And since you’ve gone there’s just some little things,
Sensory memory triggers of the joy […]
I just want to sleep, dreamless, for eternity.
My life is destroyed beyond repair due to actions and decisions I made while having bipolar episodes. My financial state is ruined because of mania and my academic/professional state is in tatters because of depression. I have wasted time, ignored my talents, and destroyed my opportunities.
I have been on countless medications, slogged through endless CBT appointments. Nothing is working. I have no hope left. I am a ruined, broken creature. I do not have it in myself to continue any longer.
I regret leaving behind those that care for me – especially my boyfriend and father. However, I cannot […]