Nothing makes me feel anything anymore. The only thing I can do now is create a character with horrid backstories of abuse. Why? I don’t know. Whenever I feel upset… “wow, well *insert character* had to live through that… my life is great.” Basically just gaslight myself with the characters. Haha. I want to die. There’s no reason, really. Not that I know of, atleast. Nobody let’s me talk. I cannot talk. For if I say a single word about what’s been kept inside foe so long I will be sent to a mental prison they call a hospital! Everything I do is being watched! […]
Tag:
not ok
sorry to post again put I’m too unstable I was fine the part of that wanted to left . But he went vacation because it’s back and I am not OK . The only thing I want to do is miraculously drop dead or cut myself honestly . I don’t know why I want to do that, but I have so much heaviness in my chest right now .that maybe if I cut it might let some of this black greasy feeling out. It feels like I’m in Mourning like someone die that’s how sad and hopeless I feel. I don’t know what to […]
I’m waiting until morning to blow a gasket. Because once everyone leaves, hes going right to bed and will get pissed off at me for talking about it. I’m so frustrated. I’m not ok tonight. So much anger, so many thoughts. It’s going to eat me alive, and fast.
So my boyfriend and his friends are talking about strip clubs in front of me while we are playing cards. And I threw out there that I am not ok with him going to one. He said that’s ok. Then I told him to expect me to be mad if you go. He has the nerve to tell me ok, I’ll stll gobto one anyways. Fuck you. If he goes to one knowing im not ok with it I’m done with him. That is not ok with me at all. You can tell me what I can and cannot do, but I can’t? Fuck you.
This last week I was trying to be positive and for a few days I even convinced myself I was geting somewhere, forcing things, denying I was going through the wrong way. But I can’t help hurting myself. I always end up doing it. I turn everything against me and then I crush myself with every drop of energy I have. I can’t deal with me, with the things I say, and the decisions I take. I even hurt myself writing here things I shouldn’t. and talking to people about how ridiculous I am, and I say it as a matter of a fact and […]
Ok, so I read a bunch of posts to day and it seems like many of you are angry and are enjoying calling people assholes (haha I love it). People seem to think that it’s not ok to get angry… that it’s not ok to express your frustration at a situation or at some dickhead who is ruining your day for no apparent reason other than his dickheadedness. So, lemme say this: if you have a justafiable reason to be angry, LET IT OUT. Don’t try and suffocate your true feelings with rainbows and carebears; grab your bat, swing at some trees, scream some fantabulous […]
Right now all I want is to be held, and told that I’m ok. I’m not ok. It doesn’t feel like I ever will be. Maybe at some distant point down the road, I’ll find that I’ve somehow become worthy of love, and worthy of life. But right now I am alone. I see no way through. Why go on, when you don’t really believe the destination exists? Because the hope of it is all you have left.
Everyone says karma’s a *****. Well I that’s the case then why dose it only come after me why is it not ok for me to call people inbreeds and stuff like that, but its ok for them to turn around and call me a child molester, and I have an std and that I need to be killed and raped. That’s ok nothing will happen to them. Just me i have to take all the bad karma while everyone else gets the good karma. I tried to be patient, I’ve tried letting it go but nothing happens or things just get worse I always have […]
I’ve stopped cutting for about 4-5 months, but I yearn to do it again. I want to feel the blade pushed into my skin. I have extremely bad problems with talking to my family. I can’t do that. I see a therapist only once every other week. I thought that I was getting better, that I was finally recovering but, I’m not ok. I’m not recovered. I need some help.
I’ve been cleaning my house. Dropping bags to donate. Filling garbage cans.
I don’t want someone else to have to do it.
But it’s silly a bit. I’m making choices about what might be important to my children. I feel nothing about any of it.
I felt a bit better once I decided and started planning and preparing.
Now I can’t get out of bed again. They know I’m not ok. But there’s been so many secrets. I think they’re afraid too.
I got sober. I did what they told me to. And it was supposed to get better. I was going to be ENOUGH. But I’m not. And I […]
ive been wondering all this while. why am i so ugly, fat and stupid? people keep leaving me and that’s not ok. ive started cutting about a month ago and it is addictive. im doing it all day without even stopping. sad is the new happy and pain is the new cure. bye!
the time has arrived. moving stuff out. trying to push through the pain,the anxiety, the fear. she is so strong. so angry with me.deservedly so. she does not recognize how hard i tried. blind to my pain and loss. at least she has somewhere to go, and something to be. she will be safe and able to move foreward from the pathetic excuse of a husband she was with for so long. why is it wrong for me to want to die? what is so important about my existence? i think the normal people need us around to justify their happiness. ” if you dont […]
Sorry for my spelling
** I am awake all night, depressed, derik beating me down all night, with nothing to hold onto, and I pick up my phone, wondering where my friend Jessica has been recently because I hadent seen her in about a year, when a missing persons list shows up. I do some research, look through all of the Info and it really is her… One of my closest friends missing. Her mother was discovered with a meth lab in her basement, and Jessica did’t want to go to foster care. I guess she left her phone packed her bags and left. She dose […]
We lie all the time. Some do it to avoid hurting others, or being a bother to others, or because you just can’t trust anyone anymore. The most common lie is “I’m ok.” We all know we aren’t ok. And for me at least it hurts more each time I have to pretend that I’m full of sunshine and shit rainbows. The truth? I’m not alright. I’m not ok. Hell, I’m not even stable. I keep hearing things, and kinda seeing things. I know the manager is sitting in his office watching the live security feed from where I am, making sure I don’t screw […]
I’m in two minds when someone asks me if I’m ok. Part of me want’s to say “of course not, do I look like I’m fine?” The other part of me keeps thinking  “wow, someone noticed I’m not ok, maybe I’m not so worthless.” Opinions?
all I want is for someone to ask me if I’m OK and know that I’m lying when I say that I’m fine
written by ifsomeonecared...
Life has been pretty hard lately. I’ve been really sad quite often  for pretty much no reason and I never want to get out of bed, like ever. I try doing homework and then I decide to just sit there staring or surf the web or go back to sleep. It scares me, I don’t want to feel this way. I wish I could talk to someone about the way I feel but I don’t feel like there’s anyone I can trust.
It’s worse when I’m tired, I just sit there and hardly talk at all and feel terrible and all I want is for someone […]