all I want is for someone to ask me if I’m OK and know that I’m lying when I say that I’m fine

Life has been pretty hard lately. I’ve been really sad quite often  for pretty much no reason and I never want to get out of bed, like ever. I try doing homework and then I decide to just sit there staring or surf the web or go back to sleep. It scares me, I don’t want to feel this way. I wish I could talk to someone about the way I feel but I don’t feel like there’s anyone I can trust.

It’s worse when I’m tired, I just sit there and hardly talk at all and feel terrible and all I want is for someone to ask me if I’m OK and know that I’m lying when I say that I’m fine. But nobody ever does so I just feel hopeless and alone. I wonder if my roommates have noticed that I’m not the same as I used to be. That I’m not funny anymore, that I don’t talk as much.

I feel like I’m reverting to a person that I used to be. The person who thought she was worth absolutely nothing. The person who thought nobody would care if she died, so what was the point of living? I never wanted to be that person again but what if I can’t stop it? What if that person rises up and swallows me before I can do anything about it. I don’t think I can do stop her by myself  but there’s no one to help me. And it just makes me feel powerless to keep the depression from taking me over completely. And I don’t know who to turn to and I don’t know if I need professional help. I don’t know anything. So I just keep trying to push my way through this alone, hoping that it doesn’t end up killing me. Hoping that I somehow manage to stay a few steps away from the bottom of that pit even as I inch closer and closer every day.

Sometimes I’m terrified of myself but that’s better than the times that it doesn’t matter when I think about killing myself. I’d rather be scared of that thought than to feel nothing at the prospect or even worse to feel envious of the relief that it could bring. I’ve been in all of those mindsets at one time or another lately.

I never take off the mask that I wear that tells everyone else I’m OK. I wish I could, and sometimes I loosen it and the sadness shows through, but I blame it on being tired or stressed and nobody knows that really it’s eating me inside, destroying the person I was or wish I could be. If I could take off the mask and show people how I really feel maybe that would be the way to find someone to help me get back to the way I was, happy except for the times that I’m sad instead of sad except for the times when I’m numb or pretending to be happy. But my trust issues are too strong, so I can’t let it go.