I don’t know how to say it nicely but I’m done. I am so tired. Tired of living a lie. It’s gotten progressively worse this summer, to the point where it’s 10x worse than it’s ever been since I developed depression several years ago. No one cares about me, I know that. I’m the one to message others, to call them, to love them, not the other way around. I know I’m unloveable. I don’t know why, I have theories, but I know it’s true, it’s been proven many times. I imagine it must be exhausting for others, my “family” and “friends” to pretend to […]
Tag:
pain
If each cut could speak. If each scar could scream. They’d tell you the reason their there. Upon my arms, legs, stomach hips…every part. They’d tell you it’s for many reasons. Memories of the abuse, the rape replays in my mind. Voices shout say it was my fault…that I should abuse myself. Maybe I’m so use to it, that it’s the one thing I know well. My reasons..are one to many. Abused, pain. anger, hate….some even a suicide attempt or two. But there are a million reasons, if only they could speak…they’d tell you
I am stressing about trying to get employment. I’ve been applying for jobs on and off for 5 years now and gotten literally 3 interviews.
The main reason why I have no idea why I’m stressing is because I have no plan to try and fight through postpartum depression if I have to go through it again.
Basically once I’m not prego I’ll kill myself if it gets bad again. That’s where I’m at.
I don’t have to worry about the Fate of my kids either because well I’ll be dead. Nothing will matter. Not the good or bad.
That’s how death works.
Ever since I was a little girl, living was an issue. I’ve wanted to die since I was 8 yrs old. My mother was/is evil and doesn’t have feelings like most people do. Common traits of a Sociopath; she would have a lot of sex with a lot of people just so she could feel something… Or at least I tell myself that’s the reason why. She married my dad while she was still married and had 2 sons with someone else. My dad didn’t know, but her first husband soon found out and divorced her. My dad in turn raised my two older brothers […]
If you’re as confused as I am, you don’t know why you’re here. You don’t know what you believe in or where you’re going in life or what’s in your future. You’re confused as to why you don’t want to be here.
If you’re as lost as I am, you don’t know where to turn. You don’t know who to talk to, who will listen, or who can help you. You’re lost in a darkness that bleeds through everything else.
If you’re as depressed as I am, you feel hopeless. You know that no matter what anyone else says, you can’t be happy, you don’t quite know how to […]
So the state refuses to fix my insurance. In 4 days I won’t have any. Cancelled insurance at 32 1/2 weeks pregnant.
I won’t be paying medical bills back because I don’t have an income of any kind. I’ll just have to deal with collection calls and letters until they give up getting money from me and put it as a charged off account on my already very poorly rated credit.
This also means I won’t be able to get any kind of postpartum care. Good news is that I’ve already accepted I’ll be a depressed woman with no safety net.
At least I […]
I need help… I need to feel something again other than pain and sadness and heavy hearted. I’m falling apart and no one notices anymore because apparently I’ve been become too good at hiding. Ironic really that the only thing I’m good at anymore is hiding how I really feel. 22 years of doing it though, I better be fucking good at SOMETHING.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me… Why can’t I ever enter into a relationship where I’m not used, betrayed, or abused? Why can’t I feel happiness again, but REALLY feel it? I smile at my loved ones, I […]
From head to toe everything seems wrong. Nothing seems beautiful about me. I’ve never had anyone look me in the eye and call me pretty. I’ve never turned a head walking on the street. All my friends are physically perfect and amazing people.
I feel like dying today. My world has been falling apart lately, my boyfriend has been my only support and I would always go on because of him. Until now, I made a mistake and he is ignoring me. I feel so fragile, lost, empty. We’ve been talking about it and trying to solve things but from one day to the other he decided to ignore me, I feel heartbroken. I want to jump from the top of a building but I’m waiting. Maybe he’ll talk to me. If not, I’m not sure how I’m going to get through the weekend.
No one will ever believe you, in all of truth’s entirety, until you’re dead. No one will completely understand the pain you were going through or how serious you were, until they find your body.
Not your parents, not your friends, not your doctors.
You only have yourself until you’re dead.
Mylife was happy b4 i came with him, all he ever do is beat and calls me stink names, and hes family wishes i was dead. It looks like he never wants to be with me. I feel aline and abondon, like i dont belong in this world. I took sleeping pills so i wouldnt feel the pain. 25 pills and it didnt work. My child does see me crying and tells me not to cry that i will be happy one day, and shes only 3.
i need someone to talk to…
i can’t deal with all the voices, the pain, the loss, the live…
i never noticed how heavy air is…
i wanna be me again… before all this happened…
the only way is to start again…
email me : keza.talwar@gmail.com
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I’m 46. I was a child of 2 sexual abusers for years. Ok! I had to finally accept that in my adulthood. I dealt with domestic violence abuse from someone that was suppose to love my children and I. I protected my children the best I knew how. After dealing with it for 8 years, I finally found a way out for my children and I. I attended college for 2 years and eventually married. I raised my 3 and his 2, but tragically in 2007, I lost a child to post bmt. I busted my ass everyday to try to save her with hardly any […]
From the second floor of my apartment building.
I’ve never felt so alive in my whole life! So many emotions at once! It’s incredible, I can’t even manage to explain it.
I’ll always cherish the memory of me falling. Time seems to slow down when you’re falling and even more when you already reach the ground.
I have three deep cuts, and I feel so fucking proud of them. I’m so happy you can’t even imagine. So so so happy. I’m crying of happiness (not of pain like everybody believes, physical pain means nothing to me).
I’m ready, more than ever.
I cant do this anymore. I have decided that if things don’t improve by the 1st June, I am going to kill myself. I cant take the pain anymore.
And then finally I can be free of all the pain
Why do you cause me pain?
why do nothing when I cry?
Why do you break my heart?
Am I not good enough for you?
I search for you throughout my day, I work hard so I can come home to see you, I strive for your love but you don’t see, you don’t care, you just yell, I finally have the courage to tell you what I’m feeling and you scream at me an to what I feel, I get thrown back down, then you get angry because I don’t tell you what’s wrong. You say you struggle everyday but when I say, you yell at […]
I lost my only child to “sudden unexpected infant death” at 9 months old. I fed her a bottle, laid with her till she fell asleep, laid her in her crib and then found her an hour later blue, cold and unresponsive. My husband did CPR until EMS arrived. They worked on her for over an hour and never could bring her back. My life ended that day. I’m simply an empty shell wandering around trying to be what doctors percieve as “normal/healthy”, considering. The only reason I’m still here is because I can’t bring myself to inflict this pain on my own mother. I […]
everyone’s sleeping. no one would be able to stop me. even if i do it wrong, what’s 5 more minutes of pain in this life. in the end, i’ll still be dead. i want to do it. i want to die. let me die.
My heart hurts. Emotionally, yes, but the physical pain hurts just as bad. It’s a throbbing pain. It feel bruised and blistered.
I keep trying to talk to people but none of them seem interested. Even the people who mean most to me. It seems hopeless. Suicide thoughts are constant.
I love you Annie. I love you Zoe. I love you Lily. Thank you for being the best parts of my life. And shoutouts to Sam S and Tylee H, and Rylee R, and Jacob B, Nick F, Lynn K, Chase O, Dakota D, my dearest dogs, Anastasia M, Cassie P, X, Ralph Smart, Thich Nhat, Madissun […]
Second post ever.
Alright, so…I, I guess…I guess I’ll just let you guys know more or less what lead me here? Maybe?
I’ll try to shorten it as much as I can…
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I guess it all began about a year or so ago? My mother had a stair accident and fractured her patella. (That rlly important little sphere in her knee). She had to go through two surgeries and is still missing one, that will be done in July.
Now, my mother is a rather…difficult woman. She has a sharp tongue and sharp attitude, even though I know she uses it to build protective walls around herself.
Anyway, […]