The love of my life lives in Kansas….I live in North Carolina. We have been off and on for almost a year now. We got back together about 2 months ago then he broke up with me. I fell back into cutting and pills. He swore he didn’t like anyone else, it was just the distance. He asked out my best friend 2 days after he told me that. I want to fucking hate him so much….but I can’t. He doesn’t know I know. I promised him I wouldn’t cut or get high…..yet my arm is filled with new scars and my pill bottles are […]
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MY PAIN SURPASSES MY COPING RESOURCES….that nailed it!!!!
IÂ have more pain than resources to cope with them!
IÂ am working on that!!!
 Friday I saw a counsellor
 I expressed my need to come up with a “””game plan””” for my life
 She helped in connnecting me to a women’s organization who will help with resumes, job hunts, following leads, ( because to my muddled brain this is the crux of my depression, not to mention being off work with a shattered leg)
Please God, help me stay focused and able to hang on until I get to that appointment on Tuesday.
Everyone always says I am so strong but for heavens sake people,  it is a front […]
They tell me to kill myself. They say the world would be a happier place if I were dead. I agree with them completely. Why can’t I bring myself to fulfill what they say?
I’ve kept this facade of being happy in school for so long, so when I was telling my friend about this (she’s kind of my best friend), she asked me is this how I really am?
Like happy( that’s how I come across in school) and can make people laugh because of my randomness.
But I told her at home I’m not happy because everything is tense and well… NOT happy…
I wish I could tell her EVERYTHING…but I literally CAN’T, like I get this cold felling that spreads from my finger tips everywhere. And I can’t always rely on people to listen to […]
i dont have anything going for me and i never will. Everyone always says life sucks, so why even bother. It is universaly agreed that life is a ***** and then you die and for some reason everyone justs accepts that and moves on. Well why the fuck would we even bother, if life sucks then why keep living it. Its like a crappy movie, you know its crap so you stop. Well life is crap so why not stop. People say its selfish and you will be hurting your friends and family. If your friends and family really fucking cared about you they would […]
Hello. I recently just signed up .
My problem isn’t as severe as others, but this seems like a place to share stuff.
So . I made friends, but they never notice me. I try to say hi to them, but they usually  just walk on by. No ever says hi to me. They don’t even notice me.
Sometimes I would walk with people and they would be like,”Sorry, I forgot your name.” And its been a year since I known them. Even some teachers do that.
I happened to make friend with this popular girl, and she invited me to her group’s mall. Me, having no life, was absolutely thrilled and said […]
I wish I had a normal life with parents and going to parties and having fun.
I wish I could see my mum again, at least one last time to say goodbye.
I wish I didn’t have anxiety problems, depression and OCD.
I wish I didn’t have to pretend to be happy all the time.
I wish I could actually meet my brothers and sisters and let them know I actually exist.
I wish I had a proper family, not just an aunt and an uncle.
I wish I had people around me who would understand me.
I wish my mum was here so she could hug me and tell me everything […]
I wonder if most people who succeed in killing themselves have planned their date, or if they did it spontaniously in some sort of manic state
by christina--
written by christina--
Ok. Its time to look for better methods.
It makes me angry when I hear people make preconcieved notions about things they don’t understand. I think there are a lot of negative stereotypes that come along with depression, and people that have it. You never know what a person is going through inside. Thats why I think its important not to judge other people, ecspecially if you don’t know them, or understand what they are going through. Saying something mean about someone who is suffering from depression can make them even more unhappy. For some of us everyday is already a battle. It just pisses me off hearing people make uneducated accusations about […]
Again, this is going to be about Shekiera. I don’t know why, but I feel like I have to record things about her before I forget. not that I would. but I want to remember these memories and dreams before I can’t recall them anymore.
Dream #1:
I can’t really remember this dream, because it was a year ago that I had it. but, I’m going to try and tell you here today. Okay. so, in real life I got my Driver’s license Last year in June, a month after she passed. I didn’t have the dream until four months after that. In that dream I […]
I’ve been suicidal for two years, but during those two years I had reasons to keep going. Yeah, those reasons were few and far between, but they were there. I have virtually no reason to live anymore. I can’t drag people down. My friends – they don’t know about this. They didn’t much know about my self-harm (well, not purposely. If it was my choice they wouldn’t know at all), and they don’t know much about my ED. I find all of this, all of what I’m going though, humiliating. I’m not this person. I never was. I used to be so happy, and I […]
I started college last year, this is my second year and is going worse and worse. I don’t feel like going to any lectures or doing any homework, I have no motivation for anything in life. I have recently found out I have Avoidance Personality Disorder, which means it takes me 100 times more effort to start talking to people, because I think I will humiliate myself somehow, so I have no friends at all. Ever since I started college I feel like I want to die, but not to kill myself, because I am really afraid of physical pain, but if someone asked me […]
I’m not in a good mood today. It was a P.E day. We had to dance with boy partners and most of all of them i had was wanting to switch partners, meaning, i’m an unenthusiastic, worthless creep. I was depressed all day over one little thing. i’m so ridiculous. I wanted to cut myself all day, it was so painful to be me. These things, negative comments, just triggered me to want to kill myself. Anyway, i have a plan to. I don’t mean to give people ideas, but i just wanna know if it’ll work. One idea was to take an overdose of […]
They say it gets better, and that it won’t last forever. But  I wonder when it will start for me?
It started 3 years ago. I had heard my parents fighting, and then my dad put a gun to his head and he said no one would care if he pulled the trigger. But his 12 year old daughter was watching from the doorway, and to her it mattered very much. I never told him I saw that, so he can’t understand how much that messed me up. That year was already bad. I was bullied for my weight and I’ve never really gotten over that. […]
I’m not jogging anymore, because people began to notice me and laugh when they saw me in the streets. It just made me feel even shittier about myself.
Back to the drawing board.
Ok so I posted a little poem I wrote on here called Wake Up Call. I wrote it quite a while ago actually, but I didn’t know how I could make it work. How was I supposed to end my life in a way that woke people up? But thanks to a stroke of luck, that problem has been solved, so I decided to post the poem. And I decided to put up some backstory here: Very recently I went to an old friend’s house. His uncle was in town and he had brought his key to a gun safe they keep at my friend’s […]
I really wanted to leave. But I didnt. I just lay here in my bed crying, curled up in a ball. Which is how I spend most of my days, actually.
I texted my only friend. I dont know why. The conclusion of that conversation was that she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. There were various reasons: I’m selfish. I live in my own world. I have a lack of respect. I treat people like shit.
Thoe all sound like very legit reasons. I just spend the last hour making sure I absolutely have no contact with the outside world whatsoever except for this […]
It’s the one thing that i’ve always wanted to be. Pretty and perfect. When i was a little girl, i was pretty and happy. No one every told me that i’m ugly or did anything to make me sad. But now, I’ve turned into some ogre just wanting to burst out. Every time i see someone pretty, i get really jealous and just wanting to hide away. All of my friends are really pretty and it’s hard to know that you’re the odd one out, the only one that’s ugly. On those 2 days of the week, when i have P.E (sport days), i get […]
Just a couple days was all it took to know I loved you.I still admit you were the best thing that’s ever walked in my life.When we met you were so happy.Then you talked about killing yourself and that made me feel terrible I wanted you to stay I wanted to be one of the reasons you’d stay but you said i wasn’t enough..but still you stayed we broke up..I never thought it would Be this hard.Seeing you move on hurts so much.Iv tried to get out there open up ask for help..meet new people.But none of them are you.I love you.My first love.And every […]
People keep repeating the same gruelingly clichè line to me. It’s starting to sound like a droning buzz in my ear that I can’t swat away. They tell me to live. To live because, “things get better”. What gets better? Honestly, what ever gets better? Sure, a few good things happen once in a blue moon, but to get better would mean things have to change. I’ve tried to change things myself and it was hopeless. Change….it doesn’t happen either. People *don’t* change. Things *don’t* change. They keep feeding me these bullshit fairytales. I’m 18. I have a brain that has developed more than that […]