Always laughing, Always dying
Always living, Always crying
Always helping, Always running
Always surrounded, Always lonely
Always doing, Always tired
Always happy, Always cutting
Always, Always…
It’s always tiring separating the person you are to the person you pretend to be.
I’m so full of poison. I hate everybody. Everything. Myself. Fuck reality for being like this. Fuck me for feeling like this. I just want it to stop. I want to sleep, and wake up in a world that isn’t this one, where I am not this person. Or failing that, I want to burn the whole thing down.
nostalgic tonight.
I learned how to manipulate my own emotions when I was really young, and to comfort myself I deliberately attached importance to an object or a person. Convinced myself that each time I saw that thing I would be comforted. It works for me, especially if the object is a trustworthy person who will understand if I get too clingy.
There’s relief when I’m with him, real, intense relief. But in his absence I feel restless, sad. I miss having friends to lean on. I think I’ve driven them all away.
People don t understand how much I hate my life, I have secrets about it like how much everybody treats me like I don’t mean anything. I wasn’t so coward and went through with my suicide, I would have been the first person in my family to commit suicide. I’ve cut, I’ve tried to commit suicide over 5 times One day I’m going to I don’t know when or how but its going to happen.
Im so stupid.
Im so dumb.
Im such a bad person.
I could just leave.
I don’t understand.
Everybody hates me.
I don’t deserve anything.
Life is a trap.
Im so confused.
I could just die.
Torture.
Violence.
Kill myself.
Im mean.
Everyone is so nice, and I’m so horrible.
Im alone.
I don’t know why, I just wanted to make a list to see if I could right out everything from my head, I couldn’t, I’m not good at writing.
The mind-numbing monotony of my life is driving me fucking insane. I feel like a dead person already.
How many days of my life have I wasted doing nothing? I don’t want to think about it.
I’m a normal person. I don’t ever do anything wrong. I mean yeah I smoke and smoke weed. I cuss and I cut, but that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, so why do these things always happen to me? Just… why? I haven’t done anything to these people so why does them say forget about me hurt so much? Why have I been depressed ever since that. I don’t care about that. I just don’t know what’s happening to me anymore. Why does this always happen to me?
~Kninea
The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill himself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the […]
I’m a mess of conflicting emotions. Maybe everybody is. But it seems like most people manage to maintain a degree of balance.
I want so many different, irreconcilable things. Many of them are flat out logically incoherent (even if I could time travel.) Some are just wildly improbable. And of those that are possible, my preference swings back and forth on an hourly basis. Any steps I take towards one goal will likely be undone the next day in pursuit of another. I don’t just want to have my cake and eat it too. I want the whole frickin’ cake shop, and all possible cakes yet to […]
I hate myself so much, i’m a bad person and I get bored of everything so easily which I’m sick of. I don’t like being around my family, or most adults because they look down on my, ignore me and they get so overwhelmed with just little things.
I was going to wait three more years so I could leave everything, but to be honest I don’t think I will be able to wait that long. I have been depressed for a long time and there is not way it’s getting better. I don’t really know what to do. I think I will cut myself when […]
On Wednesday it was Challenge Day.
I had turned in a permission slip so I was called down to the gym.
When I walked in I was terrified. I only knew one person in there and she had her own friends so it was like I was alone. Everyone sat in this big circle in the middle of the gym. I thought we would have to talk in front of everyone. I cringed every time they said we would play a game.
As time passed, (I was still scared but not as much) we were told to get in our assigned groups. In the beginning of that activity, […]
Honestly, I did not think I would be on this site this often. It seems like there’s this sense of family here where everyone just wants to support everyone even though, none of us really want to live in the first place.
It’s a very satisfying irony.
Today I woke up at around 3:30 PM. I would have stayed longer in bed if it wasn’t for my mom’s consistent yelling in my head. She thinks I wake up so late because I go to bed so late and, while I do, I should not be sleeping for 12+ hours every night.
Yeah, it’s pretty easy for me to hide my depression since […]
I’ve been dwelling on different scenarios that could put me in the hospital. I know like between 50-75 people that would probably come see me, but there’s one person whose presence would mean the most to me. I’d want him there to hold my hand, talk to me, stay with me through it all, and if I were dying I’d want him holding me. I’d want him there so I could tell him how much I love him.
I’ve been in love with him for over a year, I honestly thought I’d be over it by now. He kinda knew that I liked him before, I […]
It’s all my fault. My horrible relatioship with my dad, the reason my mom cries, the reason our house hold is so fucked up. It’s just all fucked up and I can’t fucking fix it because it’s all my goddamn fucking fault. You know what hurts the most? Is knowing that this is so fucking true. All I can do is sit here like a dumb fuck and listen to Nickleback blaring in my ears trying to drown every shitty bit of my self in the angry rythum og the music and a sea of self hatred. I want to drown in my own hatred- […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
i’m a sick and fucked up person, i’m the kind of person i hate. i have spent years of my life doing disgusting and creepy things, and it’s messed with my brain. and i have deeply hurt my girlfriend, despite how much i love her.
i have had a lot of suicidal thoughts recently, but this is different. this is logical, not emotional. i have always believed that creeps like me are scum who deserve to die. so why should i let myself live? i am putting everything into changing and becoming a better person, but what if i can’t change? if this sick and disgusting […]
Why is it that I always ruin everything? It’s like I can’t appreciate any good in my life. I’ve only ever had one boyfriend that I’ve truly felt love, and I managed to completely fuck that up. I always get this feeling when I’m with someone long enough that I’m ‘better’ than them, not that I even like myself anyway. It’s a curse and it ruins everything but there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
I’m a disgusting person who can’t make and keep friends and the one friend I have, must be a saint for being there for me (not that we regularly […]
It’s ironic for me to post here. I do not consider myself a suicidal person. Yet i have made the decision to end my life. So how could a person want to commit sucide and yet not be sucidial? Because deep down i wish i could live my hopes and dreams to get out of bed each morning see the world, delve into the debts of the mystery of the cosmos and kiss the ones i love. A person who is depressed usually loses the desire for all this. But sadly i have not, i want it more than ever. Why sadly? Because the only […]
It’s getting closer and closer to the end of the academic school year for me and I need to be focusing on careers and colleges. I should be choosing one or the other by the end of the school term so that the next two years will be college courses focusing in my major. But I don’t know what I want to do. Obviously I need to go to a college since I’m in the early college program or what would be the point in being here? I’ve messaged a few cousins and classmates about what they want to do after graduating and it seems […]
I want to die I can’t take living anymore I’m going to destroy everything and lose the person who was one of my only reasons for living , I’m just a worthless cowardly piece of shit , I hope I don’t wake up tomorrow
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