I want to cut myself so bad right now. It’s like the longer I go without, the more intense the urges become. I should reward myself for going almost 3 weeks without any bloodshed. Positive reinforcement, or whatever that psychology theory is.
It might sound weird, but I almost miss the smell of the blood, the feel, the sight. I could get so much red out of just a few small wounds.
Why do I miss it?
Why is everyone so obsessed with this world? As in this existence with earth and the solar system and our god?
Part of the reason I’ve felt alone for so long is because I never really felt like I was in the right place. I’ve always had a feeling like im not suppose to be in this world.I just never really belonged. im positive there are other worlds out there worlds with diferent planets and creatures and different gods.wanna know what my deathwish is?. When I die I would like for my soul to be taken to a completely different world…a different existence.I guess I […]
I have been unable to get out of my house for three months now, lethargic and just very miserable, but today was different, finally. Ive just upped my medication and i feel so much more energetic i have walked outside in the sun all day long and i dont feel like a fat fuck for once. Im determined to drop all the weight ive put on these last months… hopefully this day is going to be the first of many good ones…little panda drawing i did to up yalls mood…lets stay positive for once!
Continue Reading
I want to die. No, I want to be brutally And painfully tortured and murdered. This is how much I hate myself. Everyone else pretty much feels the same way and there’s a reason for it. I’m a completely unlikable person. A mess that could never be loved, pity is not even reserved for people like me. I’ve even turned the person I love more than anything in the world, my best friend, my ally, my partner, completely against me. He can’t even summon up any type of positive feeling for me. I feel so lost, I don’t even know how I’m still alive. He […]
Some of us come on here at our lowest, and we momentarily lose ourselves in trying to help others, sending out positive thoughts because we can’t muster up any for our own miserable lives. It just sucks to see my posts deleted with no explanation given. If I slipped up, fine, but how about (like admins do on other sites) editing the post with a bunch of asterisks where the offense was? Rather than deleting 3 or 4 paragraphs which somebody spent a lot of time and effort trying to compose? A lot of times I’m barely conscious when I post here, and I come […]
I feel better than I did. I needed to get all that out. I’ve picked up drinking over the last several months. That helps a lot. I don’t want to destroy myself, just feel better. I have received some good news/bad news a few days ago. I can’t think of suicide right now. I have no other option but keep going despite what I’m feeling inside… I’m not sure that I can do this. I am positive that I will be back to this place again. I spent a really long time debating this decision…
yes, I survived, It’s been one year tonight since the paramedics revived me, I was dead for nearly 5 minutes, spent several in a coma – most days I wish they hadn’t revived me, my life has gone into a worse spiral since. I’m more alone now than ever and the process a year ago has left many distant and detached… but I survived, I struggle daily to stay positive, forcing smiles, false hope – but it always seems to be futile. I wonder if it really is all worth it, major depression, a neuro-muscular disorder, and an inoperable brain tumor – got lot’s of […]
Everywhere I go people have something horrible to say about me, whether it’s that I’m an idiot / retard / moron / ugly or disgusting… they just never have anything positive to say and lack the empathy or sympathy to understand how much it hurts. I have no chance of survival because is no way for me to escape emotional pain. Some people would laugh at me behind my back or right in my face and say things like “he’s the ugliest person I’ve ever seen” or “he’s a worthless piece of shit” and some things that people have said have really stuck with me […]
and any other positive feelings. Not because I dislike positive emotions, but because I know they will not last long. And once they are over, you’re off even worse than before. It’s like life is constantly trying to show me how happy I could be only to smash all these hopes on the next occasion. I know the same thing is used in sleep deprivation where they let a subject get close to falling asleep only to wake him up with a slap in the face. It’s torture and forbidden with good reason.
My brain is naive enough to fall for the trick every single time. […]
Well I think I’ve finally reached that point.
I’ve been waiting and waiting for the chance to speak to you, to clear the air, to try and mend this broken thing you left.
The pain is utterly unbearable. It is consuming me, erasing anything that was left of who I am.
Now I am just pain and god it hurts so much and it just won’t stop.
I dread going to sleep because the dreams are so painful; in them you forgive me and we are happy again and it’s like I am made of air.
I dread waking up because the pain is instantaneous; […]
Life right now is unimaginably amazing. Problem is with life is that just when everything is going great it will find a way to fuck you up. How to keep positive that it won’t? All the times that I have known life has messed me right up as soon as I thought it was going fine. All I can remember was that innocent little girl who thought that life is amazing then one horrible day when she was 12 years old found out how cruel the world was. Age 12 ran away from a rape and worst of all on holiday. These thoughts haunt me […]
I’m not really feeling like smiling right now, honestly. Â But I’ve heard that writing positive poetry makes you feel positive. Â So I’ll give it a whirl.
Here’s my smile to brighten your day
And light the dark routes along the way
Through the winding road that’s life
Filled with anger, resentment, and strife
Hard is the brick beneath our feet
Harsh are the people upon this street
Who smile with poisoned lips and grin
A friend outside, a foe within
But not all who walk this winding way
Wish to harm or lead astray
By your side I walk as well
A fellow traveler through this hell
Lifting my smile as a tiny light
Well, for some unknown reason I am just so deeply sad tonight and the tears are flowing. I am leaving early tomorrow morning to make the 5 hour drive from PHX to L.A.  ….. Perhaps I should just keep on driving and make that visit to the GGB………yep…..it’s a bad one tonight….where is the positive energy I’ve been trying to offer on SP…..it sure isn’t with me tonight.
This book is one of the major reasons my life is on a positive trend in recent months. In Feb and March, as some of you know, I put all the legal pieces together and tied up my loose ends…..I was ready to drive from PHX to SF and act on the lure of the Bridge. I had severe insomnia and had not slept more than 3 or 4 hours in several days. I found this book online, ordered it for my Kindle. I read it straight through (thank you, insomnia).
I don’t have Kevin’s Bi-Polar disorder, nor do I have Schizophrenia….I am diagnosed with treatment […]
stop.
why can’t I stop playing this in-between. I’m not getting any better, I CAN’T get any better until certain things happen that just aren’t happening, that are out of my reach. And I can’t end it either. Why the fuck can’t I just do one or the other?
NO it’s not a matter of positive thinking. NO it’s not like I don’t know what I need. I know what I need and I can’t fucking GET it. That’s the problem. Why don’t I just MAKE the attempt so that they HAVE to listen?
No, I’m not making it up. No, doing fucking yoga isn’t going to help. […]
I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnels’ collapsed, and I don’t have the strength to dig my way through it. tell me it’ll stop hurting one day. tell me there’s even a reason to try. tell me i just need to think more positive when the only way out of this is a sheer cliff coated in barbed wire. and before you try to tell me that it’s not that bad, *yes, it fucking is*. I’m not an idiot. This feeling isn’t new. I have looked at all the options and all the paths ahead of me and […]
I am sick of reading about promising outlooks for treatment.  I have been suffering from MDD/ TRD for too long. I’ve been on multiple combinations of meds for too many years nothing…..at least 40 different meds. I have had 19 ECT treatments ( with a lot of memory issues).  I’m sick of people not understanding.  I’m sick of running to appts.  Therapy….behavioral therapy…..psychiatrist….  Not to mention all of the rest.  I’m sick of fighting, crying, anger.  I just want my life over!  So many positive thing out there for help when I’m reading literature. Or trials so far away some simple person couldn’t even […]
Hello, this is Justin. I have been reading something’s here and there. I haven’t posted cause I don’t know what to say or how to say it. I found a couple different comments from people asking about me and looking for an update. Well I am alive. What happened was I didn’t go through with it. I called the police myself and they came over. The fire department took me to the hospital. I was there for a couple weeks. I have been out just over a month. I am trying. And that’s about it. I don’t want to get too deep into it all, […]
I’ve spent the past 35+ years in a depressed state. Something needs to change before it is to late. I’ve contemplated suicide more times then I can count even went as far as planning how and when I would do it. But I couldn’t pull myself to do it because I didn’t want my kids to grow up without a mother. And I didn’t want people think of me as weak and selfish. I hate the image in the mirror. I’m tired of putting on a brave front. I sick of crying myself to sleep. The loneliness is suffocating my soul. How can  I teach […]
I marvel at those who wake up and say amazing positive stuff on Facebook. It’s usually a lot of gratefulness “for caring about and accepting who I am today,” or it’s all “humans try…only God perfects,” or getting “my Sunday nap on before my workout,” or something. There’s always a coping strategy–a self-care tool.
Music was that for me. As a teen, especially. But as I got older, music became a chore and a job, so I couldn’t really feel good after doing it. Anything I try to do to rejuvenate myself just feels like a temporary escape, and it makes it all the more […]
Please log in to report posts