In early 2009 I started dealing with severe recurrent depression, even though I was undiagnosed at the time. Â I’m sure many of you know what that feels like. Â I felt like my life had no point, none of my classes were interesting, I didn’t want to hang out with my friends, and I just hated everything and everyone, especially myself. Â All of these emotions just kept building up until I couldn’t deal with it anymore. Â In September of that year I tried to overdose on sleeping pills. Â I calculated what the lethal dose for someone my size would be, and took that plus a few […]
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Sleeping Pills
I must have been around 8 or 9 when my mother first brought me to a psychologist. I had to draw a tree and had to talk to the lady. Obviously I must have been depressed but I didn’t know the word for it. When I was 21 I did three suicide attempts over a 2 year period. The internet did not exist then and my method of trying to die humanely (sleeping pills – Lorametazepam to be exact) were not to succeed. Sleeping pills in combination with a bag: no use either. I was only left with the humilation of waking up in a […]
Just got my own cocktail of pills.
Antidepressives, sleeping pills, stuff for memory.Â
Soon, there will be more (ADD concerning).
How did I get to this point?
I just hope this is will start making some effect, and I start feeling better. Although, funny enough, one of the side effects of the antidepressive right when you start taking it is intensification of suicidal thoughts or something like that. lol seriously? This is gonna be a funny ride.
I won’t be around for a week, I’m going away, but once I come back, I shall evaluate if this cocktail is doing what it should.
I hope everyone here has a better week […]
My whole life I have had horrible luck. I always had to struggle for the things I wanted while the people around me just got it handed to them.
I started self harming when I was around 11 it started out as light cutting on my left arm and then once I made enough cuts I would stop until they healed
One night I decided to write a suicide note and take a bunch of pills. I took around 60 pills of all kinds, some sleeping pills, some pain relievers, some pills that were just there. What ever pills I had I took them
Some […]
So, I have this doctor’s appointment tomorrow.
I’ll try to explain this briefly:
Initially I made this appointment to try and get adderall/ritalin to be able to focus while studying – cus my concentration is zero, for a long time now.
Then, I realized I need to bring up my sleeping problems, cus it’s getting really bad, I can’t sleep, even with sleeping pills, and as last week I was sleeping 16hours, this week I’m sleeping about 4hours. It’s getting weird.
Now, I’m wondering if I should mention the depression (obviously I won’t talk about the suicidal thoughts). I was doing some research and adderall/ritalin apparently is sometimes used […]
I want to die in my sleep. Maybe that’s why an overdose on sleeping pills seems so appealing to me. Even if I die painfully and before I can doze off.. The thought of death by a sleep method seems so peaceful, serene and even more beautiful than having conscious thought while tying a noose or pulling the trigger.
But…
What if I don’t want to wake up in heaven?
I don’t want there to be hell either…
I just don’t want to wake up.
The only thing keeping myself from taking those pills is the thought that even after I die… I still have […]
I can’t believe this is where I end up.
This shouldn’t be how I live – or better yet, how I don’t live.
Wasted opportunities, fake smiles, I’m getting too good at pretending.
I’m sick of this all. I’m so fucking sick of this all.
No one even cares.
I just want to curl up and die. Why can’t I?
Everything is just so dark and wrong. Why can’t I just die?
And my sleeping pills don’t even work anymore, last week I’d sleep 16hours a day, now I’m sleeping about 4hours. I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from having to pretend that I’m alive.
I’m so tired of crying myself to sleep every night. I wake up in the morning crying. When I actually make it into work I fight back the tears until I can no longer take it, at which point I go cry in the bathroom. I’m in college and when I’m at school I managed to keep it together as far as not crying but I don’t hear anything the teacher’s saying. My mind is a clouded mess. I can’t focus on anything school related. All I can focus on is holding the tears back or all the thoughts that are constantly bombarding my mind. […]
damnit. IDK where to start. so much is racing through my head right now. im completely fucked. It’s unreal how horrible things can become. So, I have this stupid belief that, yeah, i want to die, but it could be the last thing I ever do (assuming in death there is no afterlife…just in case) and it will only happen for real once… I want to FEEL it. None of the gun to the head crap (besides, you could always end up brain dead which is worse than life itself…[although, someone i once knew shot himself in the heart… i think that takes guts]) but anyways this […]
I’m So Sick Of People Thinking They Know Everything About You. Saying Everything Is Gonna Be Okay But It Really Isn’t!! I’m So Sick Of People Pretending They Care. I’m Sick Of All Of This! I Hate Living In This World With Shitty People. If There Was A Bottle Of Sleeping Pills, I’d Take It With NOOO Hesitation! So Sick Of Living..
found out the greatest news today from my friend. My bf, whom i havent seen since monday, isn’t coming back to school. Fucking Awesome. we’ve been together a little over 2 months and i was looking forward to a lot longer than that. She said it like it was nothing, and i was internally getting pissed off, which led to numbness and everyone thought i was pissed, becuase thats what my facial expression was. He got some kind of job and i don’t know how to deal with this. Things were finally getting better and I felt the world wasn’t constantly conspiring agaisnt me now, […]
I don’t exactly know how I came across this website. Maybe it’s because I’m considering suicide. Maybe because I’m tired of living. I’m tired of everything that is happening around me. I’m tired of disappointing the people close to me. I’m tired of hurting people. I’m tired of getting hurt. I’m tired of crying. And most importantly, I’m tired of myself.
I may be young to be considering committing suicide but that’s all I’ve been thinking about for the past few days. I’m tired of hurting the people I love. I’d rather be hurt than them. I want all the pain to come to me, all […]
It’s hard to admit there is something wrong. It’s hard trying to put all my emotions into words. It’s frustrating that I don’t truly understand what’s wrong with me, therefore it is difficult for others to understand. I lost the respect for my mother when I was in seventh grade. Freshman year my father hit me and choked me and my mother just watched. I stopped talking to my family completely because I knew they didn’t wanna hear what I wanted to say. I am a junior in high school now and I had to switch schools this past year. Have you ever felt surrounded […]
6 or 7 Melatonin should help me fall asleep tonight.. maybe a few more..
(Not trying to kill myself)
reasons for doing this
1. Im addicted to trying to hurt myself
2.I have loads of pills its to hard to get rid of them.At at least for me.
3. Im pretty sure nothing will come of it anyway. After all ive attempted suicide more times than can count and a lot of the times i was never admitted for treatment.
4. Ive been very scared lately of death which is very ironic.But the point is i dont want to be around without the people i love.I dont want to feel the emotional pain of loss.
5 I cant survive on my own.One of my […]
Its been a moment and since i didnt go to group tonight i figured i would talk here.A couple weeks ago i learned i would be getting a new therapist.I learned i would no longer be with the program ive been with.Now id been depressed before this over my lack of future and because ive been in pain and the doctors cant figure whats wrong with me.Well they kind of think they have but my pain continues.And it bugs.
I bought a bunch of sleeping pills to end my life the day after Christmas.The problem is i dont feel like doing it much anymore. Things […]
I tried to kill myself on halloween, vodka and sleeping pills, the cowards way out right, i was rushed to the hospital then a psych ward. My outlook changed, my close brush with death maybe. its been a week since i lost my friend in a car accident, i heard about it 3 days after, im losing it, why did she deserve to die, i dont want to die but the voice in my head that left after halloween is back, i was going to spend my winter break with her now im going to be visting a funeral, i think its time to switch […]
Where do i start? My mom is my everything. we are exactly alike, well i guess im exactly like her! But she tells me all the time, that im just like her, only more open about it, and at a younger age. its hard to explain. people that know my mom and i understand, they can just tell how we are together. Example? I had an issue with my Chemistry teacher last year, and my mom called him. He said at the end of the call “I can tell youre her mom, you two have the exact same inflections” This man was on the phone […]
Well this is just going to be my experience that I had a few months ago.
One day, after having the pills set aside for such an occasion for many a months, I came home in a really crappy mood. Being the thinker I am, I went over in my head all the pros and cons for why I should kill myself. Long story short, the pros won over, and I decided I wanted to do it.
I shoved all 22 of the sleeping pills into my mouth and swallowed them as fast as I could so future me wouldn’t have time to change their mind. After […]
Even though the melatonin sleeping pills i take sometimes are natual chemicals in your body.. being a little high makes me sleep better.. like alot better. deeper sleep. peaceful sleep. sweet dreams too..
Hopfully i am high enough to sleep and sleep well.. because its the only thing i know i can trust to help me..
(Yes i look to sleep for comfort..)