I want to die, but I don’t want to want that.
What I want is friends and a purpose.
I’m always surrounded by people, and yet so profoundly alone.
And the friends that remain think I am unpleasant in my depressed, manic state,
so I humor them with smiles.
Empty, empty smiles.
I just want a connection.
I don’t want to be disposable.
I hate everything about myself,
but mostly I hate that I think that way.
I think I’m broken.
Control. That seems to be the only thing I’ve ever wanted, the one thing I’ve never gotten. To feel like I actually have a say-so in what happens next or where I go… to feel like I can contribute something to my life because after all, it is MY life. I have a dad who always made the rules. Even though they were always stupid and illogical and only benefited him, he ALWAYS got the final say so. And it went from being just small things to bigger things. Where I go to college (a college I pay for COMPLETELY on my own, by the […]
I just want someone who understands this emptiness…
Somehow the pain that I used to feel so long ago has become something constant even when I thought it was all over, I tend to pretend smiles and create banal conversations with my relatives so they don’t think I’m up to this all over again… it’s something I do without thinking, just feel they’d be better on the ignorance.
And then after faking so many smiles I’m too tired to feel the pain and feel nothing but emptiness, the worst thing that could happen because the inner empty make me be cold and careless besides the fact that […]
I want to die so badly. There are thousands of other girls who are battling AIDS, cancer and other diseases, clutching to life, but failing, and there’s me, just crying and wishing that someone would slit my throat so I dont have to. Im just not good enough for anyone. Im not expected to have feelings, Im not expected to have wishes and needs, apparently I cant even choose my own high school elective courses, and after being screamed at about it, I am not expected to feel upset, they want me to be all smiles, hugging them and saying “I love you”.
Theres a […]
So recently I got my hands on some prescription medications and here we go again, that much I was tempted to take them and end it all. My outdated concepts came back to lure me. I even set the date in my mind. Thank goodness I decided to do some research first. And what I found immediately cast off all my doubts. Although those are quite potent drugs that do kill in an overdose, but however unsurprisingly, even in good combination it would take as long as 24 hours before death occurs. I certainly don’t have as much time, so I had to bitterly put […]
I cant take it anymore. I miss the old me..you know that happy one. That tiny with the actual happy smiles. The real smiles. Im so tired and i cant even find something i like anymore. i could say i want to get better. I’ve tried, many times. But the only time i feel happy is when im with one of my friends…well used to be friend. He helped me through everything. Yet, i pushed him away. He never gave up. ever. he probably still has hope for some reason im scared to be with him. My girlfriends wo i barely tell anything to has […]
Do you ever get that feeling where you don’t want to talk to anybody? You don’t want to smile and you don’t want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don’t know exactly what’s wrong either. There isn’t a way to explain it to someone who doesn’t already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being alone never was. At least when you’re alone no one will constantly ask you what’s wrong, and there isn’t anyone who won’t take ‘I don’t know’ for an answer. You feel the […]
IÂ sit there in the cafeteria
He sits on the floor he’s talking i cant hear him, my visions bluring black around the edges
I’m brought back because of an intense pain from my hand, my ex boyfriend yet again had bit me, i know he just flirting… that he’s only using me..
I smile laughing telling him it doesnt hurt, he doesnt realise he saved me from another embaressing seizure, he smiles biting my harder i ignore it typing on the computer with my left hand as i try to complete a school project. He lets go and we sit their for a while. I feel him bite […]
so today is the big day, my 16th birthday. it was great at school. i heard happy birthday from all of my friends, got all of the attention blah blah blah. that’s nice and all but what i would die for right now would be for my mom to tell me. it’s almost 4 oclock and i have yet to hear those 2 words come out of her mouth. this may sound selfish of me to some people. but i am just someone who lives and breathes for my mom to accept me, and to be interested in me. but oh well. i’m looking into […]
I wonder if someday I’ll get the courage to say I have depression instead of hiding it. I guess I’m just ashamed of it and afraid of the judgement I’ll get, Â has anybody here been open?. It feels like leading a double life almost by hiding this part of myself; faking smiles and all
another sleepless night with crying, screaming into my pilllow and suffering 🙁 i wrote this in the night…. hope you like it.
fires ablaze within my eyes
a smile concealing all my lies screaming, begging calling out
a final frantic desperate shout.
i dont know why i feel this way
i never asked for pain, tears or suffering i was normal at one point in life
i was full of smiles, laughter and happiness
i wish i knew the cause of this pain to find a way to make it all stop.
have you ever felt like giving up this fight
have you ever slit your wrists or
have you ever picked up a knife
i […]
3 years back, my family was in a severe economic crisis – we were broke. Living in a family friend’s house as a whole because we had to move out of our own; my father losing everything he had, spending time in jail and still having debt; having to move to a country quite literally running from money. It was a very bad situation.
But, bad enough as it was, my mother started turning into someone – no, showing a part of herself that me and my sister never knew was in her. She became a total *****. I know it’s unacceptable to be saying stuff […]
I guess I didn’t notice I loved you until you held my hand. I didn’t know you loved me until my friend told me what you said. But you don’t know me. You know me….but you really don’t. You think I’m perfect because that’s how I display myself. I make sure I smile and laugh. I make sure not to show any emotion I would regret latter. You just think you love me. You don’t, truth me. Once you find out, you’ll change your mind…they all do.
But if you want to know the truth, fine:
Yes, I do have scars I hide.
No, I’m not the girl […]
I’m tired of everything, I’m tired of putting a smile in front of everyone like if I was really happy, of pretending that I’m happy. I’m tired of feeling like I’m a failure and seeing the disappointment in my moms eyes, but she still smiles beacuse I’m her daugther, beacause I will never be as good a her, as my sister. That I don’t see a brilliant future for me, that I’m always going to be so insignificant, so worthless, and I wish I didn’t think about how them, about hou my family is going to feel if I died, and just think of myself.
So […]
So I don’t know why after a year I’m questioning such a “perfect” relationship, but I am. I’ve gone out with my current boyfriend since eighth grade and its been amazing. No arguements. No problems. Nothing wrong. It’s been all smiles, laughter, kisses, hugs,and now that I think of it…its been mainly revolving on our intimatcy. So I think that’s an issue. It’s a huge issue but at the same time I think its ok since were best friends and were “in love’ with one another. But could someone just give me their opinion. I’m not going to break up with my boyfriend since we […]
I think I could be crazy,
I just might be insane,
I don’t exactly know why,
But now,
Life’s a game.
I make all the rules
But still I never win,
Though I take the heavy losses
With a smile,
With a grin:
I can see the pieces falling,
The deck is shuffled once again,
The other players all are stalling; everyone wants to win.
In boardgames, though,
A winner can only be one;
And that takes away all the smiles,
All the laughs,
All the fun.
Some people fall to cheating,
Or resort to plain dumb luck,
Though no matter what they’re feeding
Their desire to come out […]
I can no longer count the number of friends and family that have committed suicide on one hand.
The pain in knowing i’ll never see these people again is the biggest emotional hurt. I can no longer see their beautiful smiles or hear their voices. I’d like to share one particular suicide which I learned a lot from.
I was 15 at the time. Only 15. We stayed over at a friends house after a party along with many other people. I woke up in the morning to find one of my gorgeous, lovely and amazing friends having hung herself off the deck. To this day the […]
How people easily believe that we’re doing fine when we are smiling.
sometimes we just get tired of pretending ..
Crying doesn’t help..
Screamin out loud ..no one hears us..
drinkin..it’ll only knock us out for a while..
Cutting, make a body art.. it’s gettin painless..
we’re all alone in this world..
Hello all,
I have the urge to declare my sanity and justify my actions. I doubt that anyone will be convinced that this was the right decision. They are all too caught up in what they believe is sane or what they believe is “good” or “happy”. I believe it is my right to decide what I do with my life. It is my goddam decision! We all preach to the rest of the world about “freedom”. Well, how “free” are we really if society can’t accept someone’s decision to end their life? The word suicide is shunned and scorned. A person who commits such a […]
The last words he ever said, were said to me;Â his little princess, I had been.
I know it has been years but all the pain is still here
and all I bottled up keeps flowing out in never-ending tears.
I’ve used a blade and I’ve used pills but I’m filled with all this fear.
So I keep on breathing, dead and alive at the same time.
All I want is to make it stop, not my life but the feelings
Erase the scars and form real smiles
Because I really do want to stay here for a while.
Please log in to report posts