I just came across this site this afternoon. It’s actually the exact sort of place I had always looked for before, when the darkness always took over. Any time I googled anything about suicide, it was always for help, for “don’t do it” articles, for getting over depression. I realized somewhere along the way, this isn’t something you “get over”, it is always with us. True, it has been a while (less than a year…which is a very long time for me) since I’ve been there, drowning in that blood-red sea with no sign of hope on the horizon, but it’s still in me. I […]
Tag:
Smiles
I enjoy life, but life hurts and abuses me. I smile and laugh at the little things, while being degraded and yelled at. I smile every day because I forgive and forget, everyday I am mentally abused and given a new reason to cry. However, I can’t cry with my eyes so my heart hurts for me in exchange for my smile. I laugh and things seem to fade away and release me from my worries, but he knows exactly what to say to crush me.  Everyday I trade my pain for a genuine smile, I let myself forget, I let myself go on without letting it […]
i think what makes things really difficult is the fact that people thing am all smiles and don’t have any problems. they see all smiles and my bubbly personality and don’t see how bad i want to choke the living hell out of them. now i know why my parents are sending me away.. am not scared or anything but, i don’t know if sending me to another country will make me change or get any better. i might prob get hit by a truck the minute i arrive so they wont have nothing to worry about any way. am so lost i don’t […]
This was taken the last day of being at a GroupHome the First time I was in it, as u can see I am very happy And all Smiles. I wanted to Escape and get away from it, as u can see I am the only white girl, I’m very self conscious that’s why I’m slanted cause I don’t like being Tall, Everyone Where I live is normally 5’1 and 5’0 but im 5’4 1/2 so I get self conscious , I Also Ran-away from this GroupHome, the staff were horrible I couldn’t Visit my family and I was Basically ridiculed for breaking out and […]
I’m listening to a song as I work on my project. I do 3D modelling for personal release even if it isn’t comeplete. I’ve been working on an eye since eyes are another thing I’ve drawn well that hasn’t stopped. Eyes see everything even what they brain doesn’t process. Pain, happniess, sadness, weakness, strength joy, it see the world and what you see is reflected in them when the camera captures you in a freeze.
My eyes see the blurr frm tears that won’t fall. I’m still doing anything to distract myself because I have no real hope anymore. Just a passive motion. I’m […]
Hi, I’m Sarah. I’m 16 years old. I have thoughts of suicide all the time. I hide behind the smiles I show to people so they won’t judge me. They tell me to go cut myself or go kill myself. Sometimes its my brother telling me too. I know he’s joking but I feel that he’s meaning it too. I have thoughts about doing it but never following through because I have a friend that is the same why as me. I don’t want to have this thoughts but I feel as if this urge is getting stronger and one day I won’t be able […]
Since I was young my parents wanted me on medicine along with therapy. Since I didn’t have a choice I took them. as prescribed until I came down with the worse side affects. Zoloft the robotic smiles, Prozac this motor tics, Amitriptiline the chest rock and zombie mind.
My father. I’ve prayed he should die since whatever this is has taken over him. He’s teasing is worse and he thinks it’s ok. My mom is super submissive so she tags along. I still don’t trust her. He tease about me not moving fast enough yesterday in 100 degree heat and 79% humidty as I made pigs […]
Everybody is sad
But no body cries.
everybody is down.
but all they do is lie.
everybody laughs smiles and hugs
but nobody loves.
everybody giggles
everybody is shyÂ
but deep down everybody
is breaking down and crying.
everybody sleeps and goes off into there dreams
but no body sees the kids who cry themselves to sleep.
Dreams are your utopia! The place you wanna stay
but when you wake up you wish your life away.
Going to school a hard thing to do,Â
especially with friends who don’t care what you do.
You’ve told them your down but they don’t care
they just sit there and stare at you blankly because
what your going through, they don’t understand.
Its hard to live
but its […]
I am the girl who is always seen when doing nothing.I am the girl who all the rumours are about.
I am the girl who never smiles, laughs but always friendly.
I am the girl who will help the world but can’t help herself.
I am the girl who can see the beauty in every one but herself.
Who I am should not be the question but who I want to be.
The answer is happy with me and able to help me.
Not to be self-centered do not get me wrong, just able to self-love.
“Step one you say we need to talk,
he walks, you say sit down it’s just a talk,
He smiles politely back at you,
You stare politely right on through”
If only they would listen…
If only I could go back in time, to that night. Cherry. She jumped off the roof of a hospital. She drank until she found courage to swallow those pills. Called the cops on herself. That is what amazes me the most. Why had she called the cops? Why? If she was just going to go and jump off that building? I just want to go back in time, know […]
I’m freaking out. I want something to wake me up. I want somebody to notice my lies. I want somebody to realize that I’m destroying myself. I want people to realize that I’m not okay.
I want to stop lying to myself. I want to stop thinking that it’s not okay to feel. I want to be able to cry and not feel like an ungrateful ****, because sometimes I don’t want to exist.
I want to remember what it is to be happy. I want to be able to smile and not those half-assed smiles that make me hate myself, because I know it isn’t real. […]
I really don’t feel like typing all of this out again, so I’m just gonna copy the text I sent my friend then eplain a little maybe
” Idk if I told u what happened Thursday but I don’t really wanna talk about it anymore. And today I was actually convinced that I didn’t exsist until Nick came up to be friendly which he will never know how much that meant to me. I’ve never been closer to a breakdown. Desks would have been flipped and then I’d probly fall to my knees and scream. I couldn’t take being shy in that moment. I had […]
For the past year, the past fucking year, this guy and I have been trying to hang out to try to get back together. Our plans have never really work out but at least we keep trying. He’s always been an on and off douche though. He’ll say he wants to be together then the next week he never texts me. I don’t know why I keep trying to get back together with him though.
Today though, I learned he made out with a girl over memorial weekend. To make it even better, I already hate this girl cause she made my friend and her boyfriend […]
What does it mean to show emotion. I guess different thigs to different people. I don’t show my emotion. More or less reunited with my best friend- do excited, yet acted normally. First day of job- awesome and am glad to be growing up, smiles and says was cool. Girlfriend yells at friend girl for being to friendly-terribly distraught, nods and agrees with girlfriend. Text friend to apologize for girls actions and she doesn’t want to associate with me at all- hurt, says I whatever.
I’m not different. But I feel alone. I know I’m not. I can’t show my depression I can only feel it. […]
Things were starting to get better. It’s been almost two weeks since the last time I sliced myself. I finally told my dad to get me a therapist since my mom doesn’t give a shit. I guess my dad forgot about me again. Not a surprise, my family seems to forget about me alot. I even tell them I’m their forgotten child.
I really hate my family. Especially my mom. She thinks it’s hilarious to make fun of me. She’s over done it today. Haha very funny to make fun of your daughter in front of my dad and little brother. I always just […]
I’m so sick of pretending of faking smiles crying myself to sleep and im done being alone. sick of living scared of dying. im not afraid of Death im afraid that he will make it painful.
see those smiles?
they aren’t hers.
you think they only bless;
[but] she knows their curse.
yet in that abyss,
truth stirs.
always at her heels
it stumbles and keels
desperate to reveal
a [the?] girl who feels.
(nothing but faux:
it’s all for show)
if only they knew
she almost fell through
the void in her heart
full of fabricated clart
forged to keep her life
from falling apart.
nonetheless this only created strife
and anguish for her
provoking the start:
caveat emptor.
This is for a friend of mine, who had longed to leave this life behind.Â
Her name was Amber and she was a ray of brilliance. Her life seemed like any other. (not to say it was perfect. Her mum never had never any time for her so, she was at my house often. Once, we even threw her a birthday party because her mum had either forgotten or didn’t have the money) Amber was beautiful and smart, too. She was accepted into one of those magnet schools and was successful in her early years of school. She quit the magnet school, however. I recall her grades […]
I will continue facing life with pain, heartbreaks and of course the pressure of society. Im falling apart but i would rather feel pain then dealth because I have the power to decide. Imiss the smiles and kisses you gave me but I face the prints on my neck and face just to know at the end you love me.
It has stopped.  The agonizing cries have ceased.  No longer will I see shadows chasing my footsteps.  I have materialized once again to bathe myself in a world of love.  I see smiles and happiness all around me.  I am beyond thrilled to feel a touch or witness a smile guided in my direction.  I am a victim no more.  The sun shines on my face.  I moisten my lips and wait for it’s beauty to bestow it’s essence upon me.
Yet, Â I cannot feel it’s grace. Â It does not come. Â The faces start to blur and laughter no longer blesses my ears with it’s sound.
The dullness […]