Hi everyone, so I’ve been reading posts for weeks now and finally decided to register. I’ve been depressed for years now. I’ve been hospitalized at least 6 times in the last year. My last hospitalization I took over 100 Tylenol and was close to death. Now I am suicidal again and have been wanting to kill myself for weeks. I see my psychiatrist every week now and she has been so close to admitting to the hospital a couple times. Some of my fam and friends say I should listen to my Dr. and go to the hospital but I’ve been so many times and […]
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so close
Last Friday I attempted suicide by overdosing. I had been feeling depressed on and off for about five years and constantly for five months. That day I was so fed up with my life and I didn’t want the one I got or to be who I was any more. When I got home I sat in my bed room alone and took 35 celexa, 30 iron pills and 5 trazodone pills. I tried to fall asleep, in the hopes that I’d never wake up. Three hours after, I felt extremely internal coldness and I couldn’t warm myself no matter how hard I tried and […]
Well if you read my last post about 2 months ago, you will know what I was worrying about happening in my life with my girlfriend and college. September 5 th. My girlfriend was in her dorm alone and wanted to do something on a Friday night so she went over to a friend of a friends apartment. She made brownies and watched a movie with this guy. At the time she was completely ignoring me, so I did what probably. any college kid would do. Get drunk. I had drank way more than I should have and ended up climbing over the railing of […]
I’m only 18. I shouldn’t be so worried about this. Why can’t I stop thinking about this? I’m so afraid that I’ll mess up when I do have a kid. I’m afraid that I’ll neglect it. I’m afraid I’ll care more about myself than I do my child. I’m afraid that my child will love its babysitter more than it’s mother. I’m afraid I’ll lead the child down a path it was never meant for. I’m afraid I won’t be the mother I could or should be. But it’s more than that. I’m afraid I won’t be able to have a child. I’m afraid I’m […]
How i fricking miss you and your texts. How i fricking miss how we talked for hours. How you came after me. How we liked each other. How we would go home together. How you would ***** about her to me. Now tables have turned. Im lonely. You are with her. Everywhere. So close. I never was. So physically close. Do you like that. But i didnt want to freak you out. I could have flirted with you the way she always does. But i didnt want to be her. But now you prefer her dont you. You dont even say hi. You fricking dont […]
The feeling when youre holding a razor in your hand, tears pouring down your face and youre just staring at it… so close to relief, so close to that feeling you used to rely on. My arms are starting to tingle again burn and ache wanting to feel the slice of the blade and see the blood first pool then trickle down my arm. but he texted me… as if he felt the need to contact me. maybe it was a coincidence. maybe ill still cut tonight. god i really wantto cut but if he were here with me i would settle for his sweet […]
I give up on everything. I don’t see the point anymore.
I feel badly because when I heard about Robin Williams’ death, I didn’t feel sad. I felt jealous, I felt angry that I have come so close but not had the courage to end my suffering. I felt happy for Robin. He is finally free. But I couldn’t really tell anyone those feelings
I can’t stop thinking about it. For hours now… It’s on my mind. I just want to be away from it all. I feel like I can’t do this. I don’t know what to do any more. I’m trying to make it through one day at a time. I can’t shake this thought. I’ve thought it all the way through. I am debating almost every day now. I know better, but I am so close. I have reached out for help and tried to help myself in every way that I can. Nothing is working. I really fell worse. Like I’m digging myself a hole.
I haven’t been the same person I have been. I use to be a happy confident person. Now I just feel worthless and a waste of a person. I was a US soldier until I gave up on that because of my ex wife not wanting me anymore. She has been the main reason why I have been in this rut. I thought she really loved me and ending up leaving me while I was in service. If she didn’t want to be with me why would anyone else want to? I gave up my dream and passion to peruse our love and try to […]
Admittedly, I find myself at a strange place now. Before I was so sure about wanting to kill myself. But now–after having thought about my motivations for not just dying, but living as well–I don’t know where I stand. There is still some motivation for wanting to die, that much I can say with certainty. In fact, that motivation is still unconditional just as it has been. However, I’m afraid that somewhere in my subconscious, that motivation stems from something superficial. So I find myself needing to know what that “something,” is and once I do, I can act full-heartedly and decide with a clear head, whether or not I should live.
I’m so close to […]
12+ years!!By that time Ima have a family & everything!!My closest friend Is getting locked up for 12+years!!I’m not really sure how long cause he hasen’t gone to court or anything but the thing he did Is already 12+years & he hasen’t even been convicted yet!!I used to kick It with him everyday!!About a month ago I finally told a friend that I got molested when I was younger,that friend was him!!He wanted to whoop my cousin but I told him na you don’t got to lift a finger,It happened.All’s you can do Is move on.Not even a week before he got locked up I […]
I can’t be the encourager and you the discourager. I can’t tell you not to kill yourself while I’m over here cutting and getting blood all over my mattress and internally screaming out to God to strike me down right where I sit.
Reading through my suicide note and plan and just mad at myself for not going through with it last time when I was so close… Thinking about all of the times I could have done it and I didnt because im such a coward. If I would have, I wouldnt have to deal with the constant aching in my heart… im not sure how much more I can handle before I blow up
I still remember the glint of your eyes, the vibration of your pale irises, the pinch of your cheeks as your transfiction deepens, god I remember it all. What you were staring at is lost to me, and the absence of such an essential detail carves the hollow caves of my heart even deeper. Your mouth is curved, poised to speak but frozen in the grasp of your captivation. What you meant to say is suspended on your tiny lips, like a bird furled in its cage, the door open but caught on its jutting wing, so close to being liberated yet restrained by itself. […]
How did it feel to come so close? To walk the line between life and death.
Were you relieved?
Was there a “light” rushing towards you?
How long were you drifting for, and what did the drifting feel like?
Is the experience of leaving worth the pain – was there pain, torment?
What was on your mind?
I’ve heard more than anything that one feels an crushing sense of regret upon passing the point of no return.
Finally, what was it like to wake up afterward? Was there frustration? Self-pity? Rejection? Do you feel differently now than you did before?
What has life become for you?
What if I don’t want to move on anymore?
What if I feel so done with this world and life?
What if I dread waking up every morning?
What if I feel disappointed that I hadn’t died?
What if I am so hurt in this life that I can’t be fixed?
I can’t live like this anymore.
I’m so close to death.
I haven’t felt loved in months.
I have felt hated.
I’ve been hurt so much.
The young girl that was once inside of me
The young girl that was filled with hope
Filled with love and joy
The little girl that had a beautiful imagination
I thought I knew what I was going to do in life, but now I don’t really know anymore. All my life has been laid out by my parents long before I knew what I wanted. I’m so close to giving up, and I don’t know what is keeping here. Trying to be the best all the time has gotten tiring, and I just don’t care about anything anymore. The only reason I’m here is because I’m scared of what happens it I don’t succeed. All of this seems so pointless and I just want to give up …..
I want it. I want it so bad today. More than I’ve ever wanted it. To take the pills. I want them all. A sweet, beautiful mixture. The one that can end it all. No more pain, no more stress, no more hurt. I want it. I want it all to be over. Do I reach for them? There they are so close at hand. I have the solution to all my problems yet I am afraid to solve them. Always wary of the end results. One day I won’t be. One day I’ll be brave and end it all. One day I’ll […]
Laying here, covered in sweat and tears
Bodies still heaving
Complete yet broken to pieces.
So close to another, but eons apart.
Wanting to be held,
But the pain is too much
Staying here, covered in blood
Body shaking
Falling to pieces, but finally whole
All alone, but one with the universe
Wanting to be held,
but the pain is enough