I feel lost and very alone. I’m hurting, it’s nothing new and I have been for a very long time. The issue is I’m so alone. I have very few people in my life, and while I’m close to them I’m scared to ask for help. I love them so much I can’t stand the thought of dragging them down into the agony I’m feeling myself. I feel if I was gone they would mourn for a few months and move on faster than the horrible drama and ridicule that comes from dealing with “professionals”. I’ve been down that route and wasn’t helped. It got […]
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stand
to come up to me with a gun and press the cold steel muzzle against my head and blow my brains out.
I can’t do it myself because I’m a coward. I could hold a razor against my wrists but I could never slit them. I could stand on the edge of a railway platform but I could never jump in front of the train. I could put some pills in my mouth but I could never make myself swallow.
I’m too much of a fucking failure to even kill myself.
went to the cinema tonight to watch dead pool which is a awesome film for all u marvel fans out there now back to reality down thinking about how life sucks I really do hate reality so much I can stand it which is why I’m a alcoholic ( I haven’t drank in 2 years ) and smoked weed since 14 til 21 so now I just have to sit here with my own company which I hate depressed and numb of meds Life sucks
My cuts say just how much I despise myself. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. I see a monster. A fragment and shadow of a person I used to be. Was I ever alive? I definitely don’t feel alive. I constantly need something to remind me that I’m alive.
I don’t know why my heart is still beating. It should have stopped a long time ago. I just keep postponing the inevitable. I will die anyway. We all will. So, why don’t I just end it now? I want it to end now. End it now before it gets broken and hurt […]
Maybe one day,
people would be more careful to what they say.
Maybe one day,
we’ll find a better way to lessen the pain.
Maybe one day,
our hearts will be healed.
Maybe one day,
scars will remain.
Maybe one day,
life will give us reasons to live.
Maybe one day,
we can learn how to stand again.
Maybe one day,
we can find ourselves.
And maybe, just maybe
It can all happen one day…
So a few days ago the last reason for me to live disappeared. The girl i loved and thought she loved me too, through me out of her room so she could have sex with another guy. I didn’t go to work this week i just could not stand seeing anyone. Now there are no more excuses not to do it. No more hope, and no more reason to go on. Plus if i kill myself i’ll give 3 more persons a reason to do it to. 3 pearsons who have no more reason to live, not with me and not without me. Just make them […]
(Not a poem this time, I just need to rant)
I’m a size 8. I still feel like a size 18.
I wear a medium shirt. I still feel like a size XXL.
I look in the mirror and my face bloats.
I hate my eyes. I hate my smile. I hate the dimples in my cheeks. I hate my lips. I hate my chin.
It’s been getting worse lately and I don’t know how to stop the skewed perception I have of myself.
I go to the gym 3-5 times a week, I do yoga, I eat healthy (I’m vegan ffs) yet I still feel disgusting and guilty everytime I […]
I’ve been crying, cried myself to sleep. I feel so scared, so anxious and overwhelmed. I feel emotionally drained and I don’t know how to do anything.
I’m scared I can’t function enough to be in school right now, I can’t stand another setback. But I already missed one class, and haven’t even started the homework due on thursday, and I don’t know how I’m going to get through the semester without my stats professor seeing me cry (I want to try to get a recommendation from him). I don’t know how I’m going to get my homework done. I feel too scared to think clearly, […]
Where is the sunshine?
The end of the pain?
Because I am damaged,
I can’t stand in the rain.
The skies have been dark.
The wind is still whipping.
How am I standing?
What keeps me from tipping?
Because i am damaged,
My limbs tatered and broken,
The life that lived in me
Is now slowly chokin (g).
The storm pushes on with violence and fury.
My leaves are all falling,
Like the snow in a flurry.
No where to turn,
No where to go.
Im beat up, run down, and standing alone.
Even in this forrest that i call my home.
Ive always been told “You’re full of potential”.
Hi folks. I want you to know, you help me get by. I understand you, I feel for you, your stories resonate for me, I am one of you, here I belong. I was never a ‘happy smiley’, I never will be a happy smiley. In fact I militantly stand for the right not to fecking smile lol. I was the only one in my sixth form class not freaking smiling. And I’m not ashamed. I knew life and society sucked back then (though I was lamentably immature and naive in so many other ways). I wasn’t taken in by the hype.
So fuck faking it.
I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I won’t sleep. I’ve had barely any sleep this past week. It’s getting bad again. I’ve slept 2 nights (Monday and Wednesday , I think) for about 4/5 hours each night, and the hours weren’t consistent. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, with falling back asleep awful. But despite this sleep deprivation, I need to stay awake. I need to watch in the night for them. They’re in my room constantly. Watching me. I need to stay awake so they don’t get me. The only time I can sleep is when they’re not there – which […]
It all started with presenting my research paper . I couldn’t talk . And when I did I just sounded like I had no idea what I was talking about. I did so bad .
Then I took my dental assisting tests . I was so freaked out . I don’t even know why.
Then I went to the group interview . It was the stupidest fucking interview I’ve ever been to. You literally play games . And dance to music with randoms . I mean it was alright but still. All the staff members were annoying . I couldn’t stand any of them.
I fucked up on […]
I think some things are triggers. Sports for example. I used to love riding, and I still do, but trips to see my horses and traveling to shows have resulted in suicidal thoughts. I keep thinking about how I would do it. Some days, I don’t think I could stand by the train tracks and stop myself from jumping in front of the incoming train. There is only one thing that keeps me from doing this: my horses. I can’t stop imagining the look on Prince’s face when my parents tell him I’m not coming any more. He won’t get anymore cookies from me. He […]
Ffs… Just heard from my ex, the train wreck, that he had some gf for the last two years. After talking to me again like we’re oh so close friends??? I don’t know why it bothers me. He’s the one I call a dead fish. No passion or romance. And I never hear from the guy I truly loved. I bet I’ll never see him again. I don’t fit in to his world. I want to say more, but feel it would be too wrong. Just something else that makes me sick and pissed off. What the fuck happened to this world? I don’t look […]
So I was brave, and went to my doctor for help. I did it. And since I did that, my friend who took space came back and is being completely supportive again. Which is good. We’ve actually talked a lot more then we did before, and it’s not always so dark like it was. I have actually been able to help him with stuff he is dealing with. So that front has been good. And he’s been honest, the only thing he won’t stand by and watch is me constantly not going to appointments and missing 3 months worth. And he said he would be […]
I have to end it now I cant stand breathing anymore. I’m going to make all my notes and from now on am going to spend my time making notes and looking for ways on how to end it. I’m sorry I just can’t fight anymore, I’m done….
Pain (left side chest.)
Again energy less.
And yeah my thoughts. Crazier than ever. ( my emotions are on roller coaster.)
The wrost, just experienced the extreme pain in my knees. Unable to stand on my feets.
But I have hope. I’m stronger than ever. Cause I never thought I would survive this much of craziness. Thank to my soul mate. She makes everything so easy. Her presence can change me to this 🙁 into 🙂 .
The regret and sadness is really hard today (and most days). Things could be so different, better- maybe not good, but better.
As it is, I may never see my ex again. She’s my best friend, despite everything that’s happened, still the best relationship I’ve ever had. I can only hope that after some time she might be willing to speak to me. It’s so painful to think that if I had just left things alone, if I hadn’t forced her to speak to me, then we might’ve actually started talking again in February.
And I still would’ve had my dog, my baby. This hurts so much. […]
I’m grieving all over again, losing that dog.
She had given her to me originally, when she left me, but then this weekend happened. I went crazy and my dad gave the dog back to her, afraid I wasn’t coming back.
And now she’s keeping her. Says the two dogs have rebonded, even though when she gave her to me, she said they’d both adapt and be happy. And she was happy with me and my parents. She loved running up and down the stairs.
I feel like this is just cruel. She knows how much the dog means to me. She’s said herself that she’s like my […]