My days keep getting darker as each one passes. At my job the only other person who worked alongside me has transferred and I am the only one truly working. I keep working like a dog and each day I sleep longer and have less time to enrich myself in educational things before I am shipped off to the hell commonly known as my job. My hard work has gone under the radar and isn’t acknowledged like it used to be. My job is no longer enjoyable for me as it sucks the very life out of me. Now there is nobody helping […]
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student
I’ll have no choice but to kill myself. I know how much harder it is to do and how much more painful it will be, being as obese as I am. But I have no choice. $1200 to the IRS this year with a potential $6000 for next year, only making half of what I made last year, $800 rent to not be homeless, then they demand $500/mo now for my student loans when I don’t even fucking have money to eat any god damn thing at all now. Life isn’t fucking worth it. I can’t be homeless or survive prison being unable to walk […]
I close my eyes
A crimson black tide envelopes the room
A wave of chronical death washes over me
A never-ending nocturnal tsunami
It’s time for a student’s noontime meal
An expectant hush fills the room
As she kisses a box wilted grapes
And yet the withered fruit I consume
I see curdled milk in cheesecloth
Cicadas sing in the mid-summer’s day heat
As I march along to a Jew’s Harp song
A venomous serpent coils at my feet
I hear poolside laughter
The scent of barbeque fills the air
I see her standing at poolside edge
The sun glistening in her jet-black hair
I stare at the newsprint […]
I’m so tired of everything. the quickie marriage to a needy husband (thank god we don’t have kids together), the mean baby daddy, the holier than thou ex-wife, the annoying step-teenager, my teenager that I love dearly, who is my only joy, that is trying to fail, maybe to go live with her much better off financially father, then he gets to be the bad guy, not her, and just life in general.
my super needy husband, is a fucking looser, then he needs praise for simple shit that any grown man should be doing a million times better/more effective than he’s doing it. won’t pay […]
It’s morning this side and I’m on my way to the hospital. I haven’t been on here for a while now. I missed you guys.
Anyway, thought I’d share something that happened to me last Saturday.
My parents organized for our church members to come to my house and pray for me. My entire family knows about my condition now and they are very supportive. Anyway, so these guys were praying. In that moment, I had flashes of my brother and the people who killed them who were also proclaimed christians. I guess this fucked up my head a little and I had a panic attack. Church […]
My mom’s friend that she works with is actually closer to my age and it turns out she went through same thing with student loans that I have and she owed the school money too. She even dropped out of school for the same reason as me since she has depression too and she has scars on her arms too.
I owe the school over $4,000 since I dropped out plus student loans. It turns out that if I pay the collection agency 5% of that $4,000 they will turn it over back to the college and if I pay payments on it for 9 months […]
I’m back. Living, and back. I thought by now I would have atleast tried to kill myself. To rid myself of the tortures of life and anxiety and depression. It’s haunts me everyday, and I don’t know how to fix myself, because I’m broken. I’m not happy, I don’t have dreams, I can’t live a normal life. I put on a fake smile at school, and pretend like I’m happy. I try to talk to new people, I try to get them to like me. But I will never be accepted. I’m weak, and broken.
I live in my room, and play the violin to keep […]
Every time I try to do things right something comes up. I take 2 steps forward and 4 backwards like literally. My love life is horrible I got played and used so many times it’s not even funny. My hospital bills and student loans are ridiculous and I didn’t even get to finish school. All I ever wanted is to be happy I’m 25 and I haven’t yet to be happy.
I am an international student in Philadelphia, USA. I have no job and I can’t pay tuition fees anymore. I can’t go back my country. I just want to die asap. I want to die peacefully. Thank you.
I feel less suicidal, being nothing.
I am not a student, not an employee, not a daughter, not part of society. Not glum, not unattractive, not any other adjective.
I feel better when I am not obliged to fake emotions. I dont mind being alone anymore. Can I just float through the days, just for awhile?
Can I stop identifying myself as my experiences? Can I stop feeling ashamed for having not accomplished anything? Can I stop identifying as a human, and just wander through Time as nothing, just for a little while?
I feel like I’m being a fake person. Now that I’ve started to do my work, trying to focus more and do what is “expected” of me. I go to class, I do my homework. The problem is, I’m not 100% into it. No matter what I’m doing, I find myself wondering why I even bother doing anything. I feel like it’s too late to bring my grades up (it’s past midterms) and I’m failing two out of four classes as a junior college student. I don’t know how to come back from that. I’m scared to talk to my professors about it because I’m […]
Why is it so hard to get mental help when you need it? I’m a college student with parents that don’t know that anything’s wrong, and $10 to my name.
I started going through what I needed to do to prepare to commit suicide…one of my friends caught on and told me maybe I should go get help. I said I would do it for her. It’s been an uphill battle trying to find someone to take my insurance, and being able to get an appointment. Most places don’t take appointments for the intake paperwork, so I have to miss a whole day of class for […]
I’ve left my fears behind. Now I’m purely fuelled my anger and sadness. I was never good enough for anyone, and that was okay with me because I didn’t need to be.No, correction. I was never good enough for YOU. You stupid, terrible parents that pushed me to my breaking point and every time I built something for myself, you would knock it down and then ask me why I couldn’t build anything. I didn’t want this life. Everything I did I did for you. Straight As. 4.5 GPA. Getting into one of the top schools in the world. Student council president. Swim team. Band. […]
honestly i’m just so fucking tired of everything.
i’ve gone past the stage of feeling depressed, to the feeling empty and numb inside. everyday, i’m walking around like a zombie, my mind blank and not really listening to anything, yet on the outer side, i seem to be laughing and socialising. and it wows me just how much a smile can hide. haha.
what future do i have in life? everyday, it’s just the same thing over and over again, if you’re a student, going to school, coming back home, occasional trips out with your friends, if you’re a working adult, going to work, coming back home, […]
I am finally gonna buy it online for a 24 month subscription once I get my gift card. I hope this golden book will guide me to the pearly gates of eternal nothingness.
The reason I’m still here, as many of you know, is due to my lack of appropriate resources, and my desire to die a peaceful and calming death. I consider myself a student at the College of Suicidology with the goal of graduating from life with a Masters Degree in death.
Despite what our CULTure and the psychiatric establishment thinks about euthanasia, I own myself, they do not own me! I don’t have to submit […]
Hey (goodbye).
I’m kinda messed up right now, I’m feeling pretty bad though I could probably stop feeling this way; I just don’t want to. I’m not sure why but I kind of enjoy feeling sad, I guess in the same way that I like self-harm; maybe it’s the same thing. This probably isn’t healthy but I’m not, so it might be alright. I guess I’m just fucked, I hate myself and I think I might kill myself tomorrow not that it matters.
I’ll go to the student services room at school, sign off there, catch the train home and hang myself.
I’m sure it […]
So today I attended my sibling’s graduation ceremony and, for some reason, the thought of my future has never seemed to be… true. Whenever I imagine myself after high school, I literally cannot see myself being a college student, or living on my own, or having job, or even being homeless. It’s all blank. It makes me think that I will probably have gone through with my plans before high school even finishes. As I was thinking this during my sibling’s graduation, I looked up to the gloomy sky and thought, “Today is a beautiful day to die.”
I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I hate being here. I hate suffering. I’ve failed my parents. I’ve failed as a student. I’ve even failed as a speech captain. I thought I could do it. I was stupid. Stupid for thinking I could ever be anything more than a piece of shit daughter. My parents found out about my self harm and suicidal thoughts. They told me that I’m just an attention seeker and that, that isn’t the way to get attention in this house. So I switched kinda… I didn’t realize it at first but a few days ago I […]
my wisdom tooth have been aching me for quite some time now. the pain got unbearable and i decided to remove the tooth. unfortunately for me all medical health workers were on strike so the two student dentists couldnt get their hands on enough anasthetic to douse the pain. turned out they applied the little one they had wrongly and it only had little effect on the pain. i almost dropped dead while the two dumb student dentist tried to remove the tooth, my mouth windpipe and even my nose was filled with blood, they kept on hitting and hammering for two hours before the […]
Don’t tell your talent to anyone until you become very successful person, they will keep an evil eye on your talent and they will destroy your talent. I was very talented/creative person created so many video games, art, pencil sketches, poems but I was not allowed to tell what I was doing. So everyone thought I was very dumb . I had the talent to become best student of my university but I end up being a dumb alone person who was blacklisted from college.When I realized it was very stupid advice, it was too late. Now I have lost all the interest in […]
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