She stands there, the darkness stains her skin, turning it form it’s normal tan color to that of the darkest night. It runs over her skin like droplets of blood. It misses every scar, every last cut on her skin. It terrifies her, this darkness, but that terror is intoxicating, as intoxicating as that first bottle of whiskey she choked down. As intoxicating as her first pill, as her slow fall into this hell. The woman never meant to let this happen, she swore that she was too strong for this to take here down. She was strong goddammit, and she was normal, she had […]
Tag:
think
My friends father had a traffic accident and this made me thinking again what I always think about life.
That it is so random. Most important things in your life are decided by basically universe throwing a dice for you. Where you have born, to what kind of parents you have born, whether you were born with a serious defect/disease, whether you get a terrible disease later in life, your gender… list goes on.
One of the people I know, who had a good life and pretty successful, was sitting in her car waiting her husband, a tree near the road falls off on the car. Almost […]
I’ve been feeling suicidal for the best part of 3 months now, but the last couple of weeks have been extremely difficult.
I feel like the thoughts are controlling me rather than me being in control of them.
Before, I was thinking, oh i’ll do THIS and THIS is when i’ll do it etc etc.
But recently I’ve been struck by impulsive thoughts where I feel if I drift off for that second too long that I’ll jump in front of a car. I parked my car at work yesterday morning, then found myself stood against the wall of the car park leaning over wondering if I jumped […]
40 cigarettes a day
2g of coke a week
a lot of weed a month
Countless bottles a month
The fucked up part, is that i’m not feeling sad… i really don’t care about me
Sometimes i still think about ending myself
I feel like i embraced my misery… i’ve accepted myself
As the fucking piece of shit that i am
It’s been a long time since I was last here. About a year and half, to be exact. I thought I was really getting better but in the last few months, everything seems to be spiraling down again. I’ve read that it’s therapeutic to write about it, so hopefully this will help me.
In July, my boyfriend of seven months, Alex, broke up with me. He was everything I had wanted in a person and I woke up everyday with an overwhelming amount of happiness that I thought the years of suicidal thoughts and depression were finally leaving my mind.
If only I knew how wrong I […]
I haven’t posted in awhile. Probably no one even noticed. If you did, I’m sorry for not posting. Stupid asshole me for actually thinking someone would care. I think when I last posted I was manic. Ended up in the hospital for that. Don’t believe them when they say they won’t put you in the hospital for cutting. I’m getting too old for this bullshit. So they change my meds and I end up with major depression. I wouldn’t even go to the docs except I want my Klonopin and Ambien. Also, I need them to certify me so I can keep getting my disability […]
I live in a pretty rural area I guess you’d call it. In the last few months 4 people around here have committed suicide. I knew one of them vaguely from school long ago. I feel like this is a sign telling me it’s ok if I go too. One of them killed himself on my planned death day, the day after my birthday. I wasn’t able to go through with it because my dad had decided to stay home. I know that might be a sign too. The thing is, I could go on, maybe. I don’t think it’d be worth it and I […]
i dont have much time left. so i think im going to try and enjoy the time i have left, try and drown out all the bad stuff, talk to my friends, whatever. ill still keep trying to look for a job, but i doubt ill get one at this point. its almost over just 2 more weeks. i hope something good will happen, but i know it wont. thats ok ill be ok ijust have to pretend like its not happening for a while and then it will be over.
hey guys i havent posted in a while i thought i was getting my depression under control but this morning it hit me again like a ton of bricks if anyone remembers a while ago i posted a long post and in it i chose a date to hold off until to see if i was feeling better and i was for a month or so but now im not so sure im starting to think all the recent changes in my life just kept my mind to busy to focus on the pain but now that im settling back into a routine my fucked […]
I’m here to tell you guys, it gets easier. If you look at my posts a year and a half ago I was on here pleading for help hoping somehow my parents could see what I was venting you all of you fellow friends who understand what it’s like to be in such a dark place. It gets easier. Things do get better. Although I do know when I was in your position, it felt as if no matter what I read, how happy people pleaded with me to be, I was lost and all I could see was a large dark cloud infront of […]
So I haven’t posted in a while. My auntie took me to a theme park with her and my nephew. It was good to be away from everyone and spend time with them as I don’t see them much, but I’m home now and I hate it.
Its seems as though a guy is interested in me?? Not completely sure how this is happening. Its probably just some sick joke or something but I’m enjoying it while it lasts I guess.
Its my Nana’s birthday today.. She passed in may. I miss her so much. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about her. I […]
I thought maybe over time I could forget about him. Just distract myself until I forgot. But it’s not even been 3 months since he left and now I’m just empty.
I feel nothing for anyone or anything. I don’t get irritated when customers complain at work . I don’t get mad over things that I’d usually be pissed off at.
I can’t even cry. I mean, I do the motions, but no tears come. I finally told my best friend this, just to let her know what was going on. Then she tells me that she had been hospitalized a year ago for trying […]
Ok lovelies, here is today’s challenge: I want you to name someone who loves you. And if you ABSOLUTELY cannot think of anyone, then know I love you, love 🙂
I feel awkard, because I’m drunk. I can’t cope with the love I feel for you. I just can’t. BEcause you’re a good person. The kind of person I’d like to meet. The kind of person I’d like to know. But the kind of person I won’t know. The kind of person I can’t know. And I’m just feeling… I can’t stand it anymore. Loving people that can’t and won’t love me back. Loving people I see so much beautiful things, but who won’t see it too. I just can’t. I know my grammar’s not perfect, sorry dudes, I’m drunk. Tomorrow, I’ll see you and […]
I am going to attempt a suicide on the 30th of November, which is next month. I feel that everything’s too hard, that my feelings keep being played with by others, that most of my dreams end up failing no matter how hard I try. I want to get out of this state of despair but I can’t, it’s too hard. How am I supposed to get out of this state when life’s too harsh on me? And even if I do get out, life’s always going to get harder and harder, making the chance of me attempting to suicide again even greater. I want […]
I am considering it with true intention this time, I really am. The things I am dealing with cause me endless stress, and truly weigh on my well being. I am not sure yet though, I just need to see what the next months ahead hold for me. The happiness I have been experiencing lately isn’t overriding the urge the way it was before. The urge has grown and become progressively more persuasive as I linger in fear and depression. Not to mention the idea of admitting failure. Moving in with a relative is something I simply refuse to do. I know that sounds pathetic, […]
…is all I feel now. Which is ironic really seeing as its pretty much “feeling’ nothing at all.
I Have been depressed for many years, and suicidal through periods of this time. However I now feel so close its almost like I’m not even in control anymore.
I was in a car accident last week (not a deliberate action might I add..) but all I could think of when I moved my car to a safer place by the side of the road was “I wish I’d died”. There had been an accident right before ours so there were ambulance and police there already who saw the […]
Today is a different day, not that it is special or great. Today I don’t feel like killing myself.
Last week I was in a dark place and I stumbled onto this website because I was googling painless ways to kill myself. That night was unlike the previous ones because it was the first time i had tried to figure out how to do “it”.
I opened this page in a tab and clicked around some other sites until i concluded that I didn’t have access to anything that could be used to conveniently end my life. This page struck a chord with me and i cried a […]
.. Just wanted to tell u that there’s one invisible mute person who is very much here between u all who comes, reads almost everybodys post and leave!!
I almost did it…. I tied a rope around the door and put my head through the loop…. As I stood there, standing on a stool, all I kept thinking about was my 4 month old son…. I started so feel so fucking guilty… If I do this… Will he have a fucked up life? Will his father give him up, neglect him… Would he think that this was his fault and that I didn’t love him…. I just can’t. I climbed down off the stool and thought to myself.. What the fuck r u doing. Ur such a weak *****!