I am so confused. Why do i constantly think things will get better. I swear i will never think like that again. What’s the point??? I hate me…so i know you hate me. No surprise. Fuck this shit. Fuck trying.
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think
Does anyone else feel this way? I personally don’t want to live as absolute long as possible. I read about how some people live 100+ years, crediting their longevity to silly things such as “eating bacon everyday” or “eating a grapefruit daily” and so on. I’m glad to hear that these people are glad to be alive and further happy to hear that they’re content with going on living for as long as possible. And then there’s people who have searched for ‘the fountain of youth’, wanting eternal youth and never aging. Me? I definately don’t want to stay on this earth for as long […]
Irony right? I’m in this one. I’ve been here for the past 4 years, but naturally people won’t even notice me (different account i’m using now so you can’t find me). It’s like that even with real life support groups or other online ones I’ve been to. People just don’t care. I’ve been in one for 1 1/2 years and the other for 3 years. And whilst I’ve made many friends, they’ve stopped caring about me. They don’t even notice me anymore.  When we’re alone, they either make an excuse and leave or just sit there awkwardly with headphones and work/read. I try to talk with them, […]
My life is going on a different track…not how i expected…! My bestie tried to ruin my life…i just can’t imagine someone doing that to anyone…friends are to support you and give you their shoulder to shed your tears on…friends are to walk with you in your difficult times and everyone knows that no one can understand us better than our friends…but what if that friend betrays you and stabs behind your back…??? i don’t think anyone deserves a friend like mine…she betrayed me just because of jealousy…its so sad to hear that your own friends are jealous of you and not happy to see […]
“If you think you are the only one in the sky, just remember how many stars you are surrounded by 🙂 ”  This is my quote that I thought of while I was rambling down the road. Never forget you are not alone 🙂
I guess I don’t know my ‘friends’ as well as I thought I did. they all seem to be bitching about me in a group chat I’m no longer in. Now I know I shouldn’t have gone snooping through ones messages but i had an iffy feeling and it just gives me more of a reason to end things. They’re all talking shit. This including my best friends of 4 years and a guy that I’ve known for just a year. I thought I meant more, but I’m glad I know what they think of me and that I know they’re just pretending to love […]
I think most people like to think themselves essentially good. They’ve made mistakes. Maybe seriously hurt others along the way. But deep down inside, they mean well.
Suppose you come to realize that what really motivates you is rotten – that it comes from a place of hatred, resentment, fear and selfishness. And as a result you do awful, unforgivable things. Acts that mean others would no longer see you as human, if they knew. What then?
I’m fairly sure that most would feel compelled to end their lives, if they found themselves acting as I have. But then most would never do such things in the first place. When you […]
This Loathsome test of life, that nothing is in my hand
except the power to take away my own life
My heart does not desire what i want to do
and i stop myself from doing things that i want to do
My mind is not mine to think, what i want to think
God, why are you testing me with pain
O Sadist, Do you want to give me pain
even bigger than the pain of this life
Or are you waiting that i get so disappointed with life
that i take my life by my own hands
So that you can get a […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Lately things haven’t been looking up to me. It’s been brining me down to my lowest point, to the point were I don’t feel like my family or friends care about me anymore and I want to die. Everyone always compares me to someone I’m not and that makes me wish I was someone else. I wrote my suicide note out to my closest friends incase I make the drastic decision. I know who to send the message to and hopefully they will allow me to go in peace. I’m not taking my life anytime soon (I don’t think) but if things don’t look up […]
I live with the hell of chronic pain conditions that affect me every day. I was dimissed from a doctor a month ago and have an appt with a new one soon. I’m on heavy pain meds and they ran out a few days ago. I have Percocet from my pcp to get me through the next few days but it’s not enough. How does someone who’s already severely depressed and daily thinks about suicide handle withdrawl at the same time?? I seriously feel the need to use again, and I haven’t done hard drugs in 10months. I’ve been crying often this past week and […]
I’m trying to remind myself that I’m still that small bit calmer than usual. Things have changed; they’re still better. I’m still trying. I’m not sinking as fast or easily as I used to.
But I’m falling… The depression is agonising. I’m exhausted. My muscles are heavy, uncomfortable and sore. My mind is the same. I’m tired of closing myself off from the world. I’m tired of choosing between letting in the sunlight or being able to think slightly more clearly. It’s so sad to think that I’ve reached a point when a single car journey can set off all my ME/CFS symptoms and leave me […]
It is people with problems that have the solution to them (or alternative to ending it in our cases). What would you like to see patent pending for antidepressant innovation? I saw once on RT news word of a “euthanasia roller coaster” and was ….disturbed by it. But it got me thinking about an idea to soothe those evil thoughts of dying without riding a death coaster (no its not a real thing…yet). My invention would be a clip on nose ring that emits whatever smell calms you down… because who can be upset when there’s lavander in the air? But if that fails i […]
You tend to forget how sadness and depression can have various different aspects to it. Just different types. Here I go, for another round, and I know that I’m not ready for this and honestly, I know there is never a good time, but this has got to be the worst time. This old life was actually starting to get a bit of flare and things were all good for once, despite the massive fuck ups. Its been such a shit year and for a few months things were appearing to be very pleasant. Just going through day by day, not having to worry, just being […]
I wish I was alone. To have nothing to hold on to. To no longer have a reason to exist. It would be so easy then. To just let the grip my hands have been struggling to hold go. To feel the world’s darkness eat me as a whole. They think it’s a phase, that it’s just something I’ve been going through, that I’ll get over it after a short period of time. They don’t understand. They think I’m doing this to myself for things that don’t matter to them. But they never thought that maybe they’re the reason why I’m struggling to live. Why […]
haven’t been on here a while, I haven’t been busy I’ve just been confused about everything like I act like nothng is wrong but I’m getting fucked up inside I cant cant even think straight without crying, Like have you ever sat with your friends and just known that you’re the least important friend in the group and you felt like it wouldn’t make a difference if you were there or not…
I don’t think this is just me, but I’m not sure. Â Yesterday, I was having quite an excellent day. Â I am a pretty darn busy person, so being able to have some down time in my room was cool. Â I didn’t really have anything to do- and all the sudden, all I wanted to do was cut. Â I tried to run away from the feeling so I went to the gym to run it off. I came home, and was yet again consumed by the desire to cut. Â I wasn’t sad, depressed, or angry- it was just a reoccurrence of an old habit. Â Unfortunately, I […]
I’m coming to the end of 18 days off. I don’t want to go back. I hate it so much. It’s a constant reminder of how isolated I am. I feel so anxious while I’m there. I can barely function, and people treat me like I’m stupid as a result. And it doesn’t even pay enough to build any kind of life.
But I can’t think of a real alternative. I just want it to stop. I can’t bear the thought of another year wasted there, miserable.
First off, let me say I heard what people say to me about him. I know he is controlling. Unfortunately, it is not in my nature to follow my brain. My heart speaks loud and clear to me. I love him, more than anything in this world. I chose to stay with him. I have given myself up in the process. Deep down I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me, sometimes I don’t even think he knows that he does. My depression is a topic we don’t talk about. He has made it clear that it take more than love for this relationship to […]
the worst part of this shit is the fact that ill never get to tell my side of the story. Everyone thinks I’m a child molester so I have no side. I want to shout so badly that none of its true but if I do then I’m lying. I’m so tired. I cant cry because its fake I can’t smile because then I’m looking for attentions. I know god is laughing at me. Why am I still alive. I really shouldn’t be alive, I don’t event want to be alive. I have to hold everything in all the time. I lash out at people […]