For the longest time guys have been drawn to me, mostly ones older than me (5+ years older). I’m not meaning to make this sound like I’m stuck up or the most wanted girl, because I’m nowhere close to any of those things. But ever since my rape and molestation (starting when I was 3-4)I have noticed this almost target-like thing about me or that other guys see that draw them to me. I’ve had multiple older guys try touching me when I haven’t even led them on, so, is it bad luck? is this in my head? Or is there something that may be […]
Tag:
thought
I am married and 22yrs of age with no children. I have a loving husband with a very strong mind, a mum that’s been a Christian most of my life. I have reached a time in my life where I have thought deeply of committing suicide. I have pictured it happening, pictured me in a casket with my niece and nephew looking at me wondering why I’m lying there. I have seen my husband finding me and crying uncontrollably. I have seen my mum bed ridden for days. I am very upset at myself for seeing all of this because this is not me.
Being honest […]
I pulled the emergency break on my downward slide. I decided that putting up a decent fight is the least I owe my sons. If things don’t get better, suicide is always there as an option later. So I saw a doctor this morning, and she straight away organised admission to a psychiatric facility for me – and that’s where I’m now. Just unpacked my bag. I am lucky that I have private health insurance, and can use the private mental health system, and as a voluntary patient I’m not locked up. Still, I’m numb and exhausted and just relieved that I will have a […]
You were to me. An inspiration. You never would have thought that, would you? You see you can’t ever tell who your life might touch, even though you may not ever even know it. Even now, years after you left me, you still inspire me…maybe just to write this cause I still can’t get you off my mind.
I’m 30 now and still can’t Forget my father spanking me, pointing the gun to my mom’s head. My older brother and sister hitting me and hurting me, and other kids making fun of me at school. They hurt me so many times and then they ran away soon and I had to grow up as an only son. I cannot forget that I could not sleep quietly because he threatened so many times of starting a fire on our house and on me and my mom in the Middle of the night and Kill us both and himself right after. I can’t just erase […]
so i mentioned in an earlier post today and i try not to post more than once a day. but i thought i was fine after i swerved off the road and spun the car and whatever but im not. im fine physically. but i had to go in a car for a half hour twice today and the first time i was just trying not to cry, and i thought it was because of all the terrible shit happening in my life recently and the fact that i was going to come back down on thursday and see the one person who i know […]
Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy or something is wrong with me. Most days are okay in the beginning. Then something small changes and I fell like it comes crashing and spiraling down again. That sadness that follows me is back and it’s like it grabs a hold of me for the longest of time. It doesn’t go away until I’ve cried so long that my eyes, head, throat, and body hurt. I feel like I’ve lost my friends and family within that past two years. It’s getting harder and harder to open up to anyone. My family seems like it’s falling apart. I’m […]
I was setting up the Christmas tree, bittersweetly aware that it would be my last Christmas, when my (grownup) son joined me for a bit, and reminisced about bits of decoration – a garland he had made in primary school – little fake parcels he had thought as a kid to contain lollies, only to discover to is great disappointment that they just contained tiny blocks of styrofoam – no matter how many of them he opened LOL
For some reason that broke through to me. All the sudden the abstract “my sons love me” became alive again.
So lets just say, I am now a bit […]
The two sexiest men in the world exist as ghosts. We know they’re there, but they’re unreachable and untouchable, and only make themselves available to the most unworthy people at random, and then disappear back into the void where they can only be admired from a distance and torture the heart and soul of the one who would truly care.
——
In the end I’m always alone. Always forgotten. Not important. Never was enough to be more than a passing thought only because I dared to insert myself.
ive finally done it, found the one thing in this stupid world that makes my life worth living.. his name is Jimmy. Jimmy changes everything, all of my goals, all of my feelings, but i cant help but still be depressed. i have major chronic depression.. everything makes me want to kill myself except for him, this beautiful human being that is just as fucked up as i am. the thing is that, he doesnt truly understand how fucked up i am. he believes that he, along with a future we’ve planned together should be enough to make me entirely happy. i want to be […]
I don’t know how to resolve the conflict within myself. I’ve been trying for so long to figure out a compromise between the different elements of my mind. But there isn’t one. And I don’t think I can let go of either of them.
One is entirely superficial. All it wants is instant, unrestricted gratification. It doesn’t care about consequences, or the limitations of reality. It will accept no denial. Giving in to it brings temporary elation, but once satisfied it fades into the background, leaving only nagging discontent. Denying it removes any feelings of satisfaction in anything, leaving only despair.
The other is appalled by the […]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_a8qBSxHUJY
I can never stop thinking. My thoughts just keep going and going and its wearing me down. I just seem to have these thoughts daily, its been the normal for a long time. For as long as I can remember, one that that goes through my head is my father. He passed away when I was only a year old and not a day goes by when I don’t think about him. Another thought, more of a memory, is the one that wears me down the most. Her. The one I have written about so many times. The one I have written about where […]
All my life u drank i wished one day u would give it up but i doubt it i thought that when u had to go to hospital for surgery that u might of stoped u did good for few weeks and then u drank i wish i was born with powers i would make booz disapear
I haven’t been here in almost a year. I had lost my family and just could not cope. I got lucky and saved my marriage, kept my family together. I was instantly ok again. Well, it didnt last. I guess I have issues. I fucked it up again. This time there’s no fixing it. Now I see why suicides peak around the holidays. The thought of missing my family at all, let alone for Xmas, is terrible. Ive pretty much made up my mind. I dont even care about the method anymore. Im just worried about what happens to the dog, who gets what stuff, […]
I usually don’t post twice a week. But I have no one else to vent to and I’m just on the edge. I have nothing going for my life. As said before, I’m getting kicked out of school and this is my last semester but my parents don’t know. If they find out, I’m not sure what would happen, but I still decided not tell them. I figured since I’m supposed to go back to school January 20th after the break, and I’ve already picked out my date on Jan. 9th (my birthday) so I guess I won’t have to worry about school anymore. Or […]
Im officially dead inside. Walked to the bridge and wanted to jump. I walked to the train tracks and thought the same thing. Im suicidal again and that makes it harder to fuckn deal with being depressed i cant wait to kill myself. To be free of all this pain. Now i have to cut so i can chill out enough to sleep.. I hope i never wake up
I always thought there was something wrong with me.
I’ve never actually felt love for anyone, not even my parents.
But, I can be the most emotional person.
I fake love.
I have sex in love’s place.
I welcome death, but I’m too much of a coward to do it myself.
I surround myself with people.
I’ve never felt more lonely.
I am truly alone.
I have been putting a lot of thought into religion lately and I get it. Religion is important in a lot of peoples lives and they get angry when you want to freely discuss god instead of blindly follow. A good friend of mine killed herself a few years back. We were part of the Jehovah’s witness cult and she had voices in her head telling her to hurt herself. She went to the elders of the church (because that’s what you would do) and they told her she needed to pray more. Not one of those motherfuckers though maybe she should go to see […]
So ehm, this is my first time here but I thought it’d be a good idea using this instead of bottling it all up to myself like I have done for years. Growing up wasn’t the easiest, well I’m still growing up but when I was quite a bit younger, my mum met this guy, who wasn’t the best for her, my brother or I, we all thought he was so lovely at first, but then things started to get bad, he became abusive every once in a while but then I turned into everyday. He would never hit me or my brother but it […]