It was going really well for a while. There was a girl I loved, and she loved me back. I was happy with her. Then we broke up… She told me she had too much school work and anxiety over it, and that her mom told her to (this is 11th grade, mind you). I was completely fucked to begin with but I was okay. I thought I moved on with my life. Then, out of nowhere, she sends me a picture of her with a guy. The fucking *****. I hadn’t talked to her in a month (pretty much since the break-up). I texted […]
So I decided this time I was going to talk to my family about my being down the hill. I can’t remember why, it sounds selfish, but then no one may say I didn’t try it all…
My family is a mess. I grew up watching my mother crying in desperation almost every day because of her feeling lonely and impotent and not knowing how she was going to make it with so many kids (4). But we weren’t supposed to acknowledge knowing she was crying. I don’t remember what I though about it, but I remember it felt really bad. I remember that by then […]
I feel like I got confirmation today that I just don’t belong. I knew there was something wrong with me. Some hideous abnormality lurking beneath the surface. I wanted to wring the entire world in my hands – twist the planet round and round until all the pain and injustice leaked from it. I wanted to cleanse my soul of the mental torture I had allowed myself to both mete out and endure. I am my own prisoner – a hostage of a world I created to escape the hand I’ve been dealt.
I have grown up watching the world go by – observing others find […]
death has always been there just as frequent as the air i breathe to stay alive. i didnt know lucifer wanted to take me under his wing & hold me close. i met several if his demon friends, all wrapped up in allure. he told me to not underestimate any feeling. from anyone.
Some will say nothing, some will say heaven/hell, reincarnation.
What would happen if you die by suicide?
A man told me once, that if it isn’t your time, and you are rejected from heaven, but your body is unable to have your soul back (exsanguinated or something), you will stuck between the membrane of the earth and heaven.
I don’t believe in heaven.
What do you believe?
Depression isn’t a mental illness many people understand, this is the problem with society because depression is just a big joke to some. The mental pain of knowing your unloved and that your not beautiful, you could go a whole day with getting told your beautiful but when it comes to the night and your all alone sitting down in bed all you can think of is the hurt and the abuse you get within your head, the voices telling you what they want you to hear. No one should feel this way, it’s horrible being in thus bug black hole with no ending or […]
It’s been awhile since I’ve written here. Things have actually been looking up. I told my parents through my counsellor about my self harming and suicidal thoughts. They were surprised, but I wasn’t chewed out like I expected to be.
Anyway, I’d thought that things would change. But I realise that they really don’t get it. They still don’t get it and I give up. My parents talk about my cutting as though it were a joke, especially
my dad.
My parents seem to have told my brothers about it, and they make fun of my scars. I mean, it’s difficult to stop thinking about it, but […]
Uhhh, hey. Been a while since I posted here. I’ve been reading alot on SP though. I’ve decided to make a post now because I did say to Shepard I would try and be more active. Beware, if you’re reading this, it will likely be quite a lengthy post.
Well, as I type this, my family and I are currently driving towards Christchurch (city in New Zealand). Surprisingly, I’ve enjoyed the drive. It’s been good to get out and go somewhere this holidays, because so far, all I’ve done is work, play video games and hate myself. How exciting.
There’s actually something I really did want to […]
I was so done after this veteran was full of crap when I dated him. I even went out of my way to get transportation to see him. That’s how much I cared. He told me he was in love with me and other sweet things. I get too caught up in words. They mean nothing. After seeing him and not hearing from him, I went on the dating site and told him off. I told him I hope someone breaks his heart. He said he couldn’t find my number, but he could have easily found me on the dating site like I found him. […]
I don’t even know how to describe this past weekend. I was sorta suicidal, but more really I just wanted to hurt myself. I took a lot of klonopin, which I think might’ve made me psychotic.
My ex called the cops on me, afraid that I’d kill myself. I had been hiding in our old apartment when the cops showed up at the door. I was scared – and this is the main reason I think I might’ve been psychotic- so I jumped from our 7th floor balcony onto the 6th floor balcony. Thinking about it now makes me cringe. I have a slight fear of […]
It’s getting closer and closer to the end of the academic school year for me and I need to be focusing on careers and colleges. I should be choosing one or the other by the end of the school term so that the next two years will be college courses focusing in my major. But I don’t know what I want to do. Obviously I need to go to a college since I’m in the early college program or what would be the point in being here? I’ve messaged a few cousins and classmates about what they want to do after graduating and it seems […]
Tomorrow I go back to college. I haven’t done any of the work. Despite what my mum has been saying, it’s not due to me being lazy. I haven’t been able to concentrated, and I’ve wasted entire days spacing out and such (although a few people have told me it’s possibly depersonalisation or something -they have it themselves).
I’m not ready to go back to college, I couldn’t cope with daily life without the added pressure of college work. And I’m terrified of what my tutor will say about the work. It’s not like I can go up to her and be honest, saying ‘oh, hey, […]
Lying in bed, having all the bad feelings flooding back, and all I want to do is message my “friend” because he’s always been there for me. It’s been almost a week since he told me he couldn’t talk to me anymore until I got help. I can’t do it. My mother will be angry at me because I’m being an inconvenience to them. My roommate will be angry because it means he has to do more house work for a bit and won’t until I’m home and blame me for causing him issues. I usually watch streams to relax and fall asleep to, but […]
I am 38 and have been living with depression for most of my life. I’ve always been told it gets better. Take these pills, talk to a shrink, get help, blah blah blah. After this much time, i can say for a fact that it does not get better. I longer I live with this the worse it gets, and nothing I do or don’t do makes any difference. I just want it to end. I can’t keep going on like this.
So I had someone, who told me over and over they would be here to listen when I’m on the edge, and help me get help that I needed. I needed time, going and getting help during the holidays where I live is next to impossible. Most places are closed until January. I told him that over and over and over. Yet yesterday, he abandoned me. Told me I can’t speak to him until I’m getting help. The help he promised he would be there with me to get. Now I get to do it on my own. Like I told him I was scared […]
Thirty years of my life I am told that those glowing red embers in the fire are hot. Thirty years of my own experiences have told me that the closer I got to those embers, the more I could feel the heat.
“It’s not true”, says my Psychologist. “You can’t let what others say affect your entire life. It was your depression making you feel a heat that wasn’t really there.”
“Now, go ahead, reach into those flames and grab a big handful of […]
Family member yells get the fuck outta your room and help with dishes so i cover my cuts like I’ve been told to do and go out i start washing dishes then realize i have to roll up my sleeves my mom glares at me and whispers you better not be doing that for attention i said please step out of the kitchen so i can have room to move freely and do the dishes she walks out one of our guests comes over and stares at my arm then when i ask what’s wrong she just replied so you’re older now and i noticed […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
First of all, i want to make sure that you know, i would never take my own life.
I just currently finished yet another book about a girl taking her own life… Why, and how… Always a mystery.
Im not suicidal. I have never been. But for a long time i have been in love with the idea of the picture of taking my own life.
Always about how i would do it. How people would react. Would anyone regret things they did to me og what they never told me.
Who would find me, would anyone find.
I had the same crush about eating disorders.
I feel sick […]
I’m 18 years old (19 in less than a month) and I have been depressed since I was 12. I grew up with my Mum and Dad but my Dad passed away in September 2010 when I was 13. I actually saw him disintegrate in the hospital and it’s literally the most traumatizing thing I’ve ever had to see and that image will stay with me for the rest of my life. He had Huntington’s disease and was unable to look after himself as it affects his speech, movement and eating, he also used to jitter constantly. In 2013 I got tested for the disease and […]