I know what you’re thinking. ‘It’s another girl trying to stop us from thinking about suicide’. ‘Nothing she’s going to say is going to stop me’. You’re right. There is nothing I can say or do to stop you from this. I don’t know what you’ve all been through; I definitely have no right to tell you that you shouldn’t commit suicide. But what I can tell you is that you’re not crazy. You’re not exaggerating. But most of all, you’re not alone. You’re probably thinking, ‘I’ve heard all this, there’s no point, she doesn’t understand’. You’re right, I don’t understand. But there is something I do understand. That you’re all broken. That you’ve all been through something or a lot of things that have made you think there’s no point of living. You feel at times when you’re happy; you’re drawn back into the sorrows and the pain of life. You haven’t felt happiness since forever. You want that feeling desperately but fear and the past is keeping it from getting to you. I know that living is the hardest challenge in your life right now and each day is full of suffering and decisions. The one decision we all face and is the hardest one to answer, “Should I keep living?’ For most the answer is no, because they feel as if there’s nothing to live for. This is where we all can relate. We feel as if every day is a battle just to stay alive. Why live if all we do is suffer? The question always crosses our minds. The answer is in the question. Suffering is why we’re still alive. We’ve all gone through something that has left us scarred and unable to forget. It left you with the forever ongoing pain, which everyone knows as memories. When I was twelve, I lost my father to suicide. A year later, I lost my mother. All I have left of them is photos, videos and something that’s so beautiful, but painful at the same time. The memories I had with them. It still kills me every day because I don’t just want things to remember them by, I want them. I want them here with me but I can’t have them. But I do what both of they couldn’t, I chose to live on. Even though how I felt, how much I wanted to join them, I survived through what seemed impossible. I don’t want you to think I told you that so you can feel sorry for me, I told you this because I want you to know I’m still living. I’m still breathing and my heart is still pumping. We all have done something that makes us the strongest people alive right now, we’ve all survived this far. We’re all still breathing, some just barely but you still all have life in you. You are all strong and brave for sharing your stories, I find that the hardest thing to do; to let someone in. You’ve all done the impossible, and survived through hell. I know most of you think I’m just another person that pretends to care for you and thinks they understand what you’re going through. The truth is I will never understand you because I’m not you. What I do understand, is that you’re dying a slow and painful death called reality. The truth is what we all fear as it is the cruellest aspect of life. The only way to move on in life is to accept the truth. The truth is what’s holding you back in life. Itâ€™s what’s keeping you from being happy. It’s the thing hate the most but it’s the only way out. As I said, I’m not writing this to force you to stop you from taking your own life. I have absolutely no say in what you choose to do. I’m writing this so you can do what takes more strength then we can carry. I’m asking you to accept you. To accept everything in your life for what it is. There’s a reason for all of us to live. What you have to do is find that reason and keep fighting until you find you’re true happiness that you lost when you lost yourself. Find yourself in something or someone. Find a reason to keep living. You are all stronger than you think because you’re still here today. Please, I have faith in you all. I know there’s a good future for all of you. Don’t fight it, just let it happen. I see you all as beautiful people, and I notice you. I know you’re there. I see you. I care for you. I am here for you. I honestly care about each and every one of you. We’re all human and share the same blood. You’re all people who have something special about them, don’t let yourself become nothing more than a just memory.
What’s the best thing in the world?
June-rose, by May-dew impearled;
Sweet south-wind, that means no rain;
Truth, not cruel to a friend;
Pleasure, not in haste to end;
Beauty, not self-decked and curled
Till its pride is over-plain;
Love, when, so, you’re loved again.
What’s the best thing in the world?
–Something out of it, I think.
do you care?
are what’s normal
is the truth
that you are
that your life
that my life
i split my knuckle
see that’s it
and then it doesn’t
but then it hurts
stop protecting yourself
take off your clothes
pull out your hair
walk to the water
sink to the bottom
and never come back up
never come back up
Reality suck , Real Life suck , Real World suck . why human’s Imagination is much better & interesting than this everyday’s boring reality ??
I hate life, I hate people / humans, I hate reality, I hate this world.
its very boring, and especially nowadays become only very materialistic, money / profits driven only, all about money, superficial, shallow, and mundane boring!
Why movies, video games, comics, books, novels, anime/manga, creative Art, basically human’s IMAGINATION & fantasy is often/always a hundred times FAR much more interesting & better than this sad, mundane, boring, superficial, & very LIMITING life / world / reality ??…
does God (if there is indeed one…!) play such a cruel sick joke for especially creating human’s IMAGINATION inside our heads?? .. especially often the very creative, artistic, imaginative, and “other-worldly” artistic type of people & their fantasy, sci-fi (science fiction) works and IMAGINATION !? …
can anyone here relate or think/feel the same/similar with me?
I hate life. I hate people. I hate this world. I hate reality / real world / real life, they are all too boring/mundane for me, and I’ve found almost nothing that is interesting in this reality/real-life/real-world anymore, also in MOST people/humans!
the majority or MOST of human beings/people in this world I’ve found to be either a bunch of stupid, shallow, superficial, ignorant, selfish, rigid, stoic, lifeless, uninteresting, uncreative, and/or boring / mundane ones.
maybe that’s why this “reality” (or “real world” / “real life”) or our society currently is sooo f*cked up now almost beyond help!
with only VERY FEW exceptions of: real-GOOD, honest humans/people, real smart/intelligent people, and/or very creative, imaginative, ‘artistic’ type of humans/people (that produces some of the best “other-worldly” works like novels, movies, games, anime, work of art, etc etc) ,… then the rest (again, which is the majority, like 90% or even 99% of human beings on this planet!) , I simply absolutely HATE them, and how I deeply always f*cking wish that I NEVER live in ONE planet with them,.. or how I wish I could get immediately transported into another world / universe (like in those ‘cool/awesome’ movies, novels, games, etc etc) ..
can anyone here relate with me?
then, what is the solution?..
I don’t know where to go from here. Last night my mother found my instagram page. It had nothing bad on it but she freaked out. Look at my account is Mozar121. Anyways then she wanted to all of my accounts to everything, my email, facebook, everything and when I told her no she didn’t like that and told me to move out. I said I will if that means I don’t have to see you and then I was walking out the door when my dad showed up. We talked for a while which I never do but I told him somethings I’ve never told anyone. After all that I was feeling better but now whenever I see my mother I feel like wanting to kill myself. I can’t stand looking at her and I just need help on how to avoid the thing that will happen if I do keep seeing her. Help me please.
I hate this boring, bored reality / real life / real world, I hate this life, this LIMITED world, and I hate people/humans ..!!
Movies, books, video games, novels, comics, anime/manga, etc etc, basically human’s IMAGINATIONS is a hundred times FAR much more interesting than this very LIMITING reality / real-world / real-life here in this world!
and what’s even worse is that most (about 90%) of humans / people I meet & know everyday are mostly stupid, shallow, superficial, mundane/boring, money and profits and image driven only, ignorant,.. mostly human beings especially today these days are much more bad & hopeless ..!!
(there are -thankfully/luckily?- only FEW humans/people that I like, eg: the very creative/imaginative & ‘other-worldly’ artists who created/made all those awesome fantasy, sci-fi stories, novels, books, movies, games, comics, anime/manga, etc etc..and some other types… but still, the latter could still be just another very boring, mundane, ‘worldly’ type of people/humans!).
Sometimes , no , often times I cursed myself for being highly imaginative, creative (many people also said that I’m very talented, and bright/smart/intelligent & wise ‘old-soul’ type too..) , because in this world & life that I hate, it seems that all those ‘innate talents/gifts’ of mine seems to be viewed as NOTHING IMPORTANT / SIGNIFICANT by large/mainstream society & most people today…!
We live today -ironically- in the very restricting, over-stressed, superficial/shallow, mundane, and hopeless & degrading era of humanity … and WHY shouldn’t I just kill myself now so to finally simply just f*cking shed-off this cursed limiting physical body of mine, and get out from this f*cking damn LIMITED, BORING life/world / reality ???…
(PS: I’m not an ’emo’ teenager or 20’s something, but I’m a ‘unique, weird, alien’ 32 years old Asian/chinese guy who merely always have very weird, eccentric, & imaginative mind/thinking,… and who still stays/dependent -unfortunately/sadly- in a “normal” family/parents’ house, and their so-called “job/business”, obviously for me, a f*cking damn boring, mundane everyday’s “job/business” that honestly I don’t give a f*ck / damn about it all …!!)
Hey everyone..I haven’t posted in a while..So yeah..I found out along with my severe depression and anxiety..I’m bipolar and they can’t even diagnose what stage because of how fast my mood changes. Plus I am on the boarder line of having a personality disorder like split personalities. So I am on mood stabilizers and anxiety meds..I guess they kinda help, they just make me really sleepy is all I know..I also found out that I’m pretty much disabled from having all my problems with my mind and my nerves and all this other stuff so that is just great, I found that out today..I also tried to tell my mama that I am bisexual by just asking questions and she said “I will pray for you” she wouldn’t accept it..She wouldn’t kick me out if I told her but she wouldn’t accept it. I still have my thoughts about cutting and suicide but they are less now..I haven’t cut/stabbed myself in over a month so that’s good but I feel as if I’m slowly drifting away from everything and everyone I care about..i meant I barely leave my room anymore..I barely see my friends at school (Who I’m loosing most of cause I’m a 10th grader and they are seniors}…I’m only fifteen and I have felt this way since I was seven. And as E.A.P said “I become insane with long intervals of horrible sanity” (E.A.P is Edgar Allen Poe} I also feel as if my family..If I ever told them how I really feel or that I’m bi they would be like “put her in the mental house” “get her baptized” “GET THE HOLY WATER AS WE PRAY FOR HER” fuck man..I’m scared I really am
I’m not sure what I really expect anymore.
A couple months back, September to be specific, I found myself in a hole. You know it, the black abyss that you stare at day in and day out. The one that never seems to end. I had been looking into, getting lost in the darkness for too long. Years have past since I can actually remember being happy for a full 24hrs. It seems so surreal to even imagine I used to have fun.
Anyways, I tried to take my life. I really tried… pills, alcohol, the whole deal. Fortunately or unfortunately ( I haven’t decided which one yet) I survived. I made a phone call to an old friend and told them what I had done. I remember those words that repeat themselves in my head every night before I sleep…. “What did you do??”. Those words hit me like nothing has ever smacked in the face before. My friend was terrified for me, so much shouting, so much…disappointment in his voice.
To say the least, I barely remember my front door banging and the flashing lights coming from the outside. As I stumbled to get up from the couch that I had so firmly planted myself on, I opened the door to see two paramedics and a police officer staring at me. Most of what happened next is a blur, but I do remember the bumpy ride to the Hospital. I also remember the two bottles of the dark, thick, gritty and disgusting Liquid Tar they forced down my throat. (For those of you who do not know what that feels like… You want to vomit every time you take a swig, and you cannot take your time. Plus, afterwards, everything that comes out of you is black for the next week or so)
While the Tar soaked up everything that I had taken, I remember lying in the hospital bed, curtains open (Suicide Watch) and thinking to myself, “DO NOT PUKE, DO NOT PUKE”. I was also trying to look cool for the very attractive nurse that was in charge of me. Believe, it’s pretty hard to look awesome with your mouth black as the night, and lips full of poison. Did I also mention I was on suicide watch?? Yeah… not the greatest time to pick someone up, needless to say, I did not get a number.
I was transferred to a psychiatric ward after spending the night in the ICU, which was not a very good experience at all. With wires and needles sticking all over my body, it was definitely not a comfortable sleep. Â I was angry, frustrated and confused. How did I end up like this? Why would I ever do something like this? I should not be here. All these thoughts running through my head as I sat on the edge of my bed waiting to be introduced to the doctor. Remembering that I was in such a daze the day before in the hospital, I definitely do not recall what I said to anyone. It turns out, I talked about life, work, stress… and of course… a girl. THE GIRL, I thought.
3 years older than me, beautiful smart, funny, and addicting to drugs. What more could I ask for right? Perfect.
The next week I spent my time wandering around the halls, avoiding eye contact, sleeping during the day, and most of all, crying. I had no idea how I ended up there. I spent my days and my nights lying awake, thinking how it all came to this. Then it hit me, I’m depressed. I am emotionally and mentally unable to cope with the thought of rejection. I always have been, and quite possibly always will be cursed with the thought that I’m not worthy. Even months later I still question that: Am I worth living for?
To be honest, I’m still not sure. I have seen many different “Specialists” and have learned, that you have to try to be happy. Easier said then done… believe me. To everyone else it looks easy. To me, possibly you who are reading this, we all know that is a joke. Being happy is easy? Being depressed, sad, suicidal, now that is easy.
I guess I decided to join this site, to write this rant because recently, after 3 months of no contact with “the girl” I decided last night it would be a good idea to try and see her at work. Worst mistake ever. From the moment I walked into the building, she saw me and turned away faster then you can read this. The look on her face, was mostly shock, but I could tell there was a little of ” WTF”. She ignored me, completely forgot I existed on the planet for the brief 5mintues that I found myself standing there, looking like an idiot. The next part seemed to fake. To have known this person for over a year, to be that close to someone and have them know everything about you, to confide in, to make you laugh; to have them just look away from you, and even turn their back on you hurt. I’m not sure I have ever felt like that before, and as a write this, believe me, my heart is wrenching, wanting to be ripped out and left on the floor. I asked her if we could talk, she didn’t even look at me and said “My ride is here”, and left. Got into the car that her boyfriend was driving and left.
Since then my mind has been going wild, non stop with thoughts that will just not leave my head.
I guess most recently is, why do I try? Why try to be happy in this world?
I’m not sure what I should be thinking, but too be honest, I’m feeling suicidal. I’m not sure what to do, and I have no one to talk to. That’s the worst part, I see all these doctors, etc. And I can’t even tell people what’s wrong with me. My friends, family… what a joke. The joke? I still find it taboo to talk about it with them, like as if every word they are judging in their head. Like, “This guy is crazy”. And so, I find myself writing this long note, this rant of mine, hoping that maybe someone will reach out, talk to me. Ask me question, anything to help. Even if the help only lasts a minute.
I challenge you guys to tell the truth, How are you? Maybe I can help, I’d love to…
“If we refuse assent to reality: if we rebel against the nature of things and choose to think that what we at the moment want is the centre of the universe to which everything else ought to accommodate itself, the first effect on us will be that the whole universe will seem to be filled with an inexplicable hostility. We shall begin to feel that everything has a down on us, and that, being so badly treated, we have a just grievance against things in general. That is the knowledge of good and evil and the fall into illusion. If we cherish and fondle that grievance, and would rather wallow in it and vent our irritation in spite and malice than humbly admit we are in the wrong and try to amend our behaviour so as to get back to reality, that is, while it lasts, the deliberate choice, and a foretaste of the experience of Hell.” â€”Dorothy L. Sayers, Introductory Papers on Dante
I’m struggling with this. I understand the basic truth of it (except to me the ‘Hell’ in question is entirely metaphorical), and essentially agree. I see no value in projecting like so many people do, so that my own misery is to be seen as a perfect reflection of the greater picture; the microcosm of a miserable world. I know things aren’t so black-and-white as that, and that my own experiences shouldn’t be overgeneralized. The problem is that if I can’t externalize my pain like some suicidals do, I end up internalizing it. There lies the problem.
It’s probably due to unique difficulties of the situation I’m trapped in, but long story short if I can’t blame the world or anyone outside of me, then I can only blame myself. “This shouldn’t be a black-and-white thing either,” I try to reason with myself. “It’s the Depression speaking,” I try. Nevertheless, my feelings of failure and worthlessness get accordingly amplified, to match the gravity of my perceived sins. Whatever logic or creativity I try to apply to it, the fact I’m trapped where I am now is all my fault. The fact there is no one I feel I can turn to in order to find help getting out of it is also my fault. That I’m too ashamed to explain precisely why I’m so trapped when I try to call crisis lines? My fault.
Of course my traitorous mind points to all of this as “proof” I can no longer hope to function productively as a part of society, as it endlessly loops through every memory –from the most crystal-clear flashbacks to the haziest of recollections– of every awkward or wrongheaded thing I ever did in my life.
Like the angry-at-the-world types, I’m angry too. Except since I’m positive that it’s not the world of human beings that’s wrong, or twisted. (Note: I’m NOT talking in terms of politics/socioeconomics here, which is a whole other story about a tiny number of people with way too much power and a staggering number of people with way too little knowledge about it.) It’s me. Even though on the surface, rationally, I know it’s fallacious to think I must be getting what I “deserve,” deep down, I can’t root out my deep-seated belief in that fallacy. It makes me angry as hell not just at myself but also at the ones who are exploiting me for nearly-free labour at any and all hours every day instead of paying for professional assistance like they should be. I hate myself for wishing for a way out though, because finding my way out of this means problems for two other people. This even though they’ve demonstrated they don’t really care about my needs, or the fact I’ve been severely burned out and over-stressed for as long as any of us can remember.
Put crudely, I have nothing to live for except for a fucking martyr complex.
*edit* (please see my update in my reply to clevername below)
I swear to god, I can’t deal with my sister and her stupid friend. All my sister does is criticize me and her friend constantly puts me down and insults me. Honestly, I’m about done with it. I can’t put on a fake smile and pretend everything’s okay anymore or I’ll go insane. I’m thinking of these four different things to do…
1. I could politely ask them to stop
2. I could tell them to stop more assertively
3. I could punch them both in the face
4. I could not say anything and start crying like a baby
God knows I am way to much of a coward to say anything. Well, I guess I’m fucking done with this life…
Okay i’m being completely honest here, no sugar coating anything alright. I have just come across as a huge disappointment in my entire family and every time i try to regain any self confidence it just plummets back down. I’m tired of everything and i’m not scared of the future anymore because i’ve decided that i will not have a bright and wonderful future anymore because i’m done. I may not live past 20 and I guess somethings happen for a reason and my reason is that i’m useless and i no longer have any significance to anyone. Not my family or my so called “friends”. I am a nobody in this big world. I do not matter to anyone so my death shall not harm anyone. I don’t care if my family is hurt because what’s the point of family when all you’re trying to do is run away from exactly that? My friends? they have already forgotten about me..
It’s just a matter of time now.
I’m sorry for being such a disappointment in everyone’s life.
I feel so incredibly guilty. Marked, Branded, Judged. Dirty, filthy on the inside. This is my confessional. I am selfish, I am false, and I am a liar.
I can talk, spill over with words here about her, and what she did. But in the end, after all of the shit and piss and blood of Her, I am the one I am mad at, and I am the one who is guilty.
There are so many things I would rather hide away. Hide from plain sight. My internal wretch, the insufferable Thing I see in the mirror. What people see is false, and I know it. and I let them see what they want to see. and I let them expect what they have come to expect, and feel in ways I never will. All I feel is Anger. Rage and Hate. and while it is projected, onto the whole wide rotten world and onto Her, it is me I really hate.
I should have known what she was. But I allowed it. I allowed myself to be blind. I allowed myself to be used. Through me, she used my family and my friends. Through me, she enacted her act of manipulation, charms and lies, that caused so much suffering. In my blindness, I let her hurt my family. I refuse to feel that way again. Refuse to be blinded by emotion and lust. I refuse. It is my fault, and no others. I can hate her, and gush words for the levels of treachery she stooped to that nearly consumed me. But it is my own fault, I am to blame, and I will take that rage unto myself and never let my family down again.
Because they need me. I am their backbone. I cannot collapse, though I wish to all the world I could. What weighs me down also props me up and I feel like all the world is screaming. I live through this, as my family inevitably collapses, each and every member falling into their own personal disaster, and all the while I must be silent, I must be the calm and constant in the storm. I cannot be weak. I am the support. The peace keeper. the one who is punished and ridiculed and never bites back and is always the same and always there.
I wasn’t there for my sister. I was blinded by the very one who snared her and hurt her. This will not happen again.
But still, when the day ends, and I am finally behind closed doors, and the dark in my room whispers softly and the quite presses in louder then screaming, I can finally be as I am. The weak and stuttering wretch. and I can collapse, and drag myself to my only solace. I sit before my covered mirror and I take out a craft knife. I can make myself bleed. This is all I have. This is the truth that I hide from everyone I love. I am not what they see. I am false. I am broken.
So I really don’t have any reason to continue living. I don’t believe in God, and think the chances of our conscious dying when we die is very likely. We are our thoughts, so we are our brain, so when our brain dies, we die as our conscious become unconscious. You can’t be aware while unconscious, not of yourself, or anything. That may seem obvious, but many people don’t realize or understand this. So that means that we, in a sense, will no longer exist after we die. Our thoughts will stop, and we are our thoughts, so we stop. There will be no darkness or emptiness, just nothing. We won’t exist to experience the nothing.
So why should I keep living if it doesn’t matter whether I die now, or in 70 years? Either way, I’ll still end up in the same place. Some may say we should keep living to try to make the world a better place, but what would it matter if the world is a better place if I will stop existing to experience the world. Or that we should keep living for those we love? That doesn’t matter either, because some day they’ll be dead too and won’t exist either. And it doesn’t matter if by taking my life I hurt others and make them sad during their life, because in the end it wont matter. And why live just to have fun and be happy? It won’t matter when I’m no longer conscious, and unable to think about the happiness or fun I had in life. It will all be the same.
The only reason I’m alive right now is because I’m too scared to take my life, I’m actually alive out of cowardice. Taking my life would be the bravest thing I could do. Also I’m alive for the same reason I would have for taking my life: that it doesn’t matter when we die because we’ll stop existing no matter what and it wont matter. So why not just live life while I have it, just for the hell of it. Like it may not matter at all, but why not? The problem is, this reason stops standing whenever I’m sad or in a bad mood because all of a sudden nothingness seems better than the pain of life, and it doesn’t matter anyway.
And what if there is a God and an afterlife? Well I don’t think any loving God would punish me for being logical and coming to such a conclusion with the intellect and mind he has given me. And who knows if God would even be anything like any religion has described Him. Maybe god isn’t even a being with a personality at all. Or maybe God wouldn’t be “good”. We can’t actually ever know these things in life. We can spend our whole life studying and researching about it, but we can’t ever actually know real truth, or comprehend what we are, were we came from, what the meaning of life is. Maybe we can logically claim a religious belief, but we can’t actually fully know with certainty anything to be ultimately true. But for the sake of this post, I’d like to assume that what follows death is a state of unconsciousness and not existing, as that’s the only thing that science can prove as we can’t measure or physically know a “soul”.
So would it not be rational and logical to take my life?
I am a 17 year old male and for as long as I can remember have been good at everything. I am also pretty good looking but I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts and not for the usual reasons either. I honestly feel there is no point in life. To get old and die one day don’t sound to good to me. Not because I’m afraid of getting old because I see no point in working to take care of myself when ill just die anyway. Â I consider my self Â strange because I don’t wanna die and say the world is better with out me or some other bs because it probably isn’t I just sit and think to my self that there is no point to life if we die and like life I question everything else saying to my self what’s the point of this. In this world created by humans in a system of Â government created by humans only some will succeed by doing insane things. My problem is I don’t see the point of living in a system created by other people and have there rules forced on me. Maybe I haven’t lived long enough to figure out life or maybe I just figured it out early and its not that I would like to die its that I would like for everything to stop I’d like to stop existing but who knows I might one day wake up with a reason to live like love or some other bs but for now ill sit around my house smoking weed listening to joey bada$$, Kendrick Lamar, and Shredding on my skate board down the streets of Montgomery Al. Ps. I did this all on my iPhone so sorry about the bad writing. -Skate Life forever
I am so sorry for wasting your time with this, but I have to get it out. For the past seven years, I’ve had problems hiding things and lying to my parents. Now, my dad is so upset with me that he refuses to talk to me. I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time, and how much I was hurting them. I can’t help but think that if I commit suicide, it’ll make all there problems go away and they’ll finally be happy. They once assured me this was not the case but I can’t help think it anyway. They’ve talked to therapists and other people and they say they should hold onto each other until it stops, but what am I supposed to hold on to? They tell the victims that it’s all right, hold onto something and everything will be okay, but they never tell the aggressor what to hold on to. I am so sick of myself and what I’ve been doing. So again, when you are the person causing the pain and falling apart, what do you hold on to?
It’s Â strange. I feel guilty for even coming here. but I just need someone who will listen and understand. even though you’ve never seen me, or touched me… I have more faith in you than the actual people that have. I keep having these visions. I keep seeing my death as if it’s already happened. I’ve been on both sides of the fence. I’ve been my best friend. I’ve been my worst enemy. I’ve told myself that all of those religious people are just afraid. They’re afraid of not knowing. They’re so scared that they can never know what happens free death, even when they feel most sure that they do. I remember being in a white room before I came into this world. Time was inexistent. There was nothing there but me. Alone. I sometimes would daydream about this place all over again though out my childhood. I would feel doomed. I’ve always felt energies coming off of other people. I am very empathetic towards the pain and suffering of others. I would trade places with them in a heartbeat… which is why I jut can’t bring myself to do what I’ve been thinking about doing. I think of all of the beautiful people I’ve touched. I think of how they would feel once they’d heard what I had done. And I cannot stomach being the burden of a weight that sickening. Â Still, I have a dilemma. I feel too sick and doomed and cursed by fate to carry on like this everyday. I couldn’t. But even in the worst times, like these, I still can’t help looking back and almost falling apart over how miraculous life truly is. i’m at a crossroads
This is my second post on this blog. My first one had been back in April in 2012. I had even forgotten my username and password. Guess that should be considered a good thing. But it’s not. And it’s not because here I am again, and if I am here it means that all those thoughts are back. They’ve been back for a while though. Actually, they’ve never left. So much has happened since my last post. Things I could talk about forever but I am so tired.
I never wanted to be the crazy one. In fact, I never thought I would ever be. But at the end of the day, when the world is asleep and all I can hear is the sound of my heart beating, I know there’s something wrong.
The scratching and the biting,
The screaming and the fighting.
The hollow words
Fly like wingless birds
Into endless spirals
Of full-fledged denials
And I find myself crying, alone.
I push you away
Yet I want you to stay.
Why is it so hard
When I’ve already come this far?
Caught back in the lies,
Truth pouring from my eyes
And I find myself dying, alone.
My wrists are untouched
But my legs, not so much.
I could sit in this madness,
Divulge in the sadness
Creating the cuts,
Loosening bolts and nuts
And I find myself, alone.
I’m alone in the sorrow.
I’m alone til tomorrow.
I’m alone with my tears.
I’m alone with my fears.
You can’t understand
So don’t lend me your hand.
I am alone and I must suffer.