I am miserable inside, its getting harder and harder to wear a smile on my face because there is always that little voice in my head telling me “your not happy!!!!????”
Tag:
voice
For a while now I fight with myself and his voice. The voice that says I love you in one breathe and “whats the survival rate of melanoma” the next. Your such a great mom to our daughters but I’m gonna go ahead and keep them from you because I’m an a hole and I can. For years I have felt the only way to get away truly from this man is to die. The thought doesn’t even phase me because I know how real my feelings are and the truth it holds. Either live a living hell every day with this man telling […]
Every day I go thru this. Even on this site, nobody cares, forever the invisible person, hearing his voice in my head. I am tired of bearing the unbearable alone in a triggering hell. I am tired b/c people’s casual judgment can’t begin to touch how bad the remains of what csa has done to me, a battering and torture of my mind heart body and spirit. They can judge thru these words not understanding the anguish I feel in my soul, how my brain can feel so scary, how noise batters me, how his horrible voice accosts me, how I have panic attacks in […]
I am extremely tired of ptsd. At night I hear malicious whispers that don’t go away. I woke up to the noise from the workman next door here in disability central. There is no sun today. I feel like death, like going away forever. A woman said to stay away from social media if it bothers me, seeing others doing better, she doesn’t grasp that this is a life line for me. Because of the poor sleep I hear his evil voice more often. I’m tired of wondering what this is doing to me physiologically. You know there is no god when you plead with […]
Dear love, I’m honestly scared. Your voice is everywhere. Are you there? I am not ready for this. There’s so much about you, love, I miss. Do you know that I’m lost? And you left me here on my own. Songs live on but I’m dancing alone. Where is my lullaby? Sometimes I forget you’re gone. You’re all I have, known for so long.
It seems so unfair but the sun still shines and the waves still crash and the wind still blows. I will carry on, what choice do I have?
I see people most days that are suicidal. Thoughts, attempts, hospitalized.
I usually get them. Not all of their struggles but I do understand the struggle with death. I call it my dance with death. When the invitation. Becomes so strong and i just want to give over into the strong arms of death. I am exhausted. I am mostly able to see hope for others. But I struggle to find a space where I
can experience my own existence as bearable. I don’t see my life as worthless but unbearable. This constant undercurrent of not wanting to be. I go through times when suicide’s voice becomes a faint […]
Trying to tell myself not too.
This weekend is Easter and I’ll be visiting my family so it isn’t the best time to cut.
But every time I stop working or go to take a break it’s all i can think of.
There is just a quiet little voice in the back of my mind reminding me.
But i know it will only feel good for the fist few seconds.
Then I’ll cry and regret it.
Like I do every time.
They can’t harm you
Locked in this chair
The TV blares in the background
Like it is your friend
The two dimensional connection
It’s almost like they’re looking at you
Outside this room
Where the skin gets peeled
Nobody licks your wounds
They look right through you
On their way to their next appointment
Your blood marks their shoes
But still they don’t know you
So where do you find the hand
The promise that this is not a bad joke
That you are not just dark space
The phone rings
Somebody wants to sell you something
You tell them that they’re voice doesn’t matter
My phone rings and I know it’s him. I don’t want to answer, but if I don’t, he will keep calling.
“What?” I snap as I Put the phone to my ear.
“I miss you,” he whispers and I can tell he’s crying.
I don’t fucking love you. I stayed with you because you made me feel like I owed you that. I stayed because you made me feel like a dog.
But do I tell him that? Of course not.
“Leave me alone. Give up,” I say in something close to a growl.
He refuses. He won’t give up. I hate him. I can’t stand the […]
you. You think I’m fine. You think I’m happy. You see me smiling, But have you ever noticed that it never reaches my eyes? Don’t fucking tell me how much you care about me. You’ll be gone by morning. That’s fine. I don’t expect to be anything more than a quick lay. I don’t expect to mean anything to you. What you don’t see is that I’ve fucking lost it. I’m clinging to reality with all that I have, But my mind is so far gone. You couldn’t possibly imagine the things that I see when I close my eyes. You would run the other […]
As a young child I was not taught the many things that I should. So as I grew older or went to school I learned through others. I have been bullied since the age of 10. Days I didnt want to go to school, Didnt want to leave my room afraid that someone would find something to bully me about, whether it was my voice, my clothes, hair, or the way I smelled. I went to counseling in middle school but it didnt help, so i went home and took a bunch of pills one day but it didnt kill me I was still here, […]
The end justifies the beginning,
“Take a step to oblivious, “he says.
“We came a long way to give up
You’re at cliff’s edge, one more simple step.”
“Embrace the fall,” he continuous
“Gently let go of the sorrow,
In the end I’ll well welcome you with open arms,
We’ll even sing one of His psalms.”
“Take my hand,” he says.
“There are no holes in my palms.”
I snap back, thought rang, “This is deadlier than reality.”
I smile and say, “let’s try this tomorrow.”
“The loneliness almost had me,
Somehow you came thru with that calming devilish voice,
At least someone to talk to when no one is.”
As far as answering the call, hold on
I’m not ready to […]
That little voice is telling me to kill myself.
That little voice is telling me to push everyone away.
That little voice is telling me I have no worth living.
That little voice is telling me to stop eating.
That little voice is telling me I’m useless.
That little voice is telling me I am a jerk for pushing everyone away.
That little voice is telling me to die.
That little voice is me.
It all started on111914 when I fell inlove with my boyfriend he was eveythinng I wanted a swimmer soccer play and a good looking guy he was so sweet and caring. This past friday he had a big swim meet I was so proud of him. After we hung at his house and got icecream we go in a fight and he broke up with me I was a reck. The next night I find my self taking 12 pills and my family yelling and me. The next morming I think I will never kiss him or hear his voice or anything again. So now […]
Its been a very rough past few months for me. Hell who am I kidding, its been a very rough past 7 years. I just havent been able to catch a break. It’s been one thing after another. When it rains it pours? Yeah it’s been absolutely pouring down on me with no signs of stopping. Still looking for that ever non existent light at the end of this tunnel. Yet everytime I get to the point of no return I somehow am still here to live it all over again the next day. I have wanted to die for quite some time but I […]
I thought I was okay today. But the darkness brings bad memories. I can still feel their hands all over me. I feel like I can’t breathe and the voice inside my head is telling me I shouldn’t be.
Just please someone tell me how to make it all stop. How do I not feel them all over me? How do I push away the voice? How do I learn to not fear the darkness?
I swear I want to live. But I can’t live if I am going to be this mess forever………
Can anybody tell me something the makes me feel like there is still hope?!
Just […]
I have yet to say that I have found a plan and that it will work. I am sorry that I have said goodbye to many times and then not actually do anything about it, I am such a “wuss”. I feel like I can’t ever follow through with things and that I can’t seem to get it together these days..
NO I am not selfish for wanting to die
NO I am not trying to get attention or trying to get people to feel sorry for me because I am “sick”
I am always going to be broken, I can’t seem to get fixed
No one is going […]
My chest aches as my heart speeds. My eyes blurred until all I see is darkness. My lungs burn as I struggle to breath. My ears pop and a loud ringing sounds. My body shakes and my muscles twitch. Griping my chest in pain as I try to fight the fear. My truth beneath a mask. I scream usually slient screams until my lungs stop their Burns. I hug my chest tight the compression soothing the pain. Deep breaths as my heart slows and my sight returns. This mask you see Once again put in place. Once my body’s returned to almost normal I vow […]
I have been in a lot of abusive relationships, and until now, I’ve always been able to fight my way to freedom.
But now…
I’ve developed Conversion Aphonia… meaning, because of the trauma I’ve suffered, the emotional, physical and sexual abuse, my voice… will no longer be there…
I can’t speak. I can’t laugh. I can’t even try. No matter how much I try, my body will not let me make a sound.
What am I supposed to do now?
She stood by the bedpost and looked out the window
Her voice was a whisper
Save me it muttered to the darkness
The moonlit room was a hollow heart
Much like the one inside her chest
Beating one, two, one, two
She put a dark red capsule into her mouth
And as a single tear rolled down her cheek
She looked back on everything she’d seen in her life
No more, her voice so soft she wasn’t sure she was even speaking
Her heartbeat slowed
Her eyes closed, tired of seeing the moon
And the last thing she saw was her eyelids
Locking the door […]