I was approached today by a friend about her supicion I was thinking about self termination. She lost her first husband to suicide and does volunter work for a prevention hotline a couple nights a month. I guess I was an easy read for her. It caught me off guard damn it and I stumbled. I confessed. What a stupid idiot I am. How could I have been so inept and careless!! It was a foolish liability to give away my desire/need. I hindered the time I had planned to make it so, by self sabatage. She offered to drive me to a hospital, like i would let that happen again. I had the ability to maintain being anonymous until everything was in place. I knew it would make a difference in how soon I can finish. I still don’t understand why I felt compelled to confess.
Normally I am a careful player. I hold my cards close and rarely give away what I intend to do. My mind is a relm where I hold back from almost everyone. Everytime I come close to being ready I give it away because I know when this happens certain things need to have happened for the ones I love to be able to survive. I force myself into a place where I have to wait. I think if I didn’t tell someone, the desire would make me sloppy about making things right for my family. I regret I can’t just get it over with. I am mystified why I break silence just to make completion without harm to people i love possable. It doesn’t mean i still couldn’t finish as planned. It does mean I would leave behind a debt for a funeral. This is a financial reasponsability I have no intention of leaving for my family. Financially we are struggling and it is my fault. I put them in harms way and I have to get them out of it before I complete. So fucking fool that I have been I will have to practice silence for awhile. I have to work until my family is free to go on without me. I need to stay my own hand because I can’t leave them in this situation. There is no honor in causing more harm to them, they don’t deserve it. I know I give myself away out of guilt.
Always the caretaker never taken care of I would be completely expendable except for my ability to work and make money. I am a resource but soon that need will change and I will be alone. My children won”t need me. My husband can move forward and find someone who can give him what he needs not someone he can be angry at. The looks I get sometimes almost make me believe that if I take too long to do this he will end up in jail for killing me.
So since i have to wait until everyone is once again looking the other way before I can achieve completion. Since I put myself in this position maybe I will just tell all of you why this is the only thing I seem able to focus on besides my job, which should give my family room to breath and a hand up into some sort of stability before they have to make it without me and in a short while my suicide clause in my insurance will lapse and I will be free anyway. My only regret is that somehow i may cause them pain for a little while but I know they will get beyond the event and go on. First I have to help them find safe ground finacially and now is not the time. Maybe that is why I set myself up to have to wait. I still need to work! Work Work Work Work Work until I can die die die die die die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to give them all that I can before I am no longer here to clean up the mess I have made of everyones life. I deserve their anger. I understand why he looks at me that way. It twists my gut into knots and makes me hurt all over to know someone who used to love me so much can look at me with such anger and yell and berate me when things go wrong. I let him down. His last hope… I was a mistake from birth.
I know on the day I complete I won’t need to make a last post like the rest of you. No note, no explanation, I think those that really know me won’t need those things to understand. On the day I’m finally ready to complete I won”t post here. Yet this is becoming some kind of habit. Here I can set down the markers of a life that was never notable. It won’t take them long to forget me. They will go on with their lives and in a brief season I will cease to even be some odd story they tell their friends. Suits me fine. I am still not sure why I feel a need to make these entries anyway. I keep coming back here? It’s like this blog has the power to let me pour it all out, all the poison life has ever been. Because there is no one to know I am here and none of you give a shit so it is the perfect place to purge. There is no help for me and I don’t want any. Strange thing this feeling that somehow returning here has a significance as if what I write will somehow have meaning. When you really give up and complete why do you need to rant, or beg for someone to hear you? In the final silence of your own termination, in the real completion of self irradication the last thing I really want is for anyone to notice I left.