Hi my name is Madelaine and I am 19 years old. Iv been suicidal since I was about 13 years old and it just progressed from there. For 10 years I was sexually assaulted so as I started going from a little girl to a teenager my mind just soared with anger. I was bullied all through primary school and High school. I was the geek, the nerd, the one noone liked because to them I was ugly. It just kinda stuck so I think I am ugly…
My mother never accepted me. I was never good enough for her. So i just wanted to die even more. Mind you my own mother admitted to me she wanted to abort me when she found she was pregnant with me.
I use to cut all over, my legs, thighs, stomach, wrists, I tried cutting my heart out, cutting my face up. Anything to feel the cut and watch the blood and know that I was a step closer to death. I still cut, just not so often… I keep things bottled a lot of the time. At the moment iv been in hysterics all day and I started cutting my elbow slit… You know, you got your wrists then a little further up you have the joint where your forearm and arm join together… My heart is broken by a stupid boy… Well my mates say hes stupid. We havent broken up but his text messages say it. I cant control myself anymore and I had been so good for 6 months…
8 comments
Hi Madeline
It sounds like you are going through a lot of pain – you have had to deal with so much more than the average teenager has to bear: bullying, parental rejection, abuse, feelings of being ugly and worthless. However, you are not alone, there are many people who feel as crap as you do now, who have gone on and worked on their issues, and now lead contented lives. Believe me, I am one of them.
The one great thing you have going for you is you are 19 – on the verge of adulthood. Over the next few years you will be able to take more decisions for yourself, and that can be very liberating.
The first decision I want you to make is to go and seek professional help from a trusted counsellor. Phone your local suicide hotline, and get a referral if you don’t know where to turn. You are bottling up way too much, and it’s no wonder you feel like harming yourself. Any person having to deal with as much as you have had to will feel the same way. So the only way to change this is to speak to someone.
The next decision I want you to make is to take an attitude of a survivor. As an adult (and at 19, this is what you are becoming) your first task in life is to ensure that YOU survive. Don’t worry what other people think, or who you are pissing off, as long as you are making a positive plan to survive whatever life throws at you, you’re doing okay. Tell yourself that. The fact that you posted to this website was one positive plan, so congratulate yourself for that.
Realise though that you have been harbouring feelings of self harm since 13, so your feelings are not gonna change all that quickly. Most likely it will take a couple of months, if not two or three years. But you will get there, if you start by just taking the next two steps: talking to someone, and taking the attitude of a survivor.
If you need to talk further, you can email me on drukdeur@live.co.za.
DD
My mother experienced the same thing, the sexual molestation part of your life. She was robbed of her youth and had to leave home in disgrace because the police told her to (crooked cops during the early 1960s). She is a happy old lady now. She always says she forgave her father (and her mother…both terrible parents) because at a certain point in her life she began to realize that they were just people; terribly flawed, people. From that perspective, it is easier to forgive someone. Maybe you can try that. As far as being suicidal, I have my own reasons, which I will not discuss here, but I feel for ya, girl….
I’m sorry to hear this. I know being hurt by a guy sucks. I was engaged to this guy for 8 months and dated him for 1 year before. I found out he had been cheating on me the last month we had been together. It sucks. But realize you’re only 19, me 18. We are still young. I used to cut, my legs are full of scars and so are my wrists. Please stick around. I’ve delt with depression for 14 years. I’m still here despit my previce overdose. So obviously I’m here for some resaon. You have to find your reson on why you are here on this earth. There obviously is a reason on why you wer’ent aborted. Find it.
Hi Madelaine,
It sounds like you have been through so much pain in your life that you have learned to hate yourself for even existing. From your description, I think your cutting has less to do with death and more to do with how you feel about yourself. So that is where I would start.
The first step you need to take right now is accept what I am about to tell you:
You, Madelaine are a worthwhile person, you deserve to be treated with respect, you deserve to be loved, and you deserve to live.
Accept these things as fact. No matter how hard it is, no matter how many times you need to repeat them to yourself, accept these as the truth. Every time you think about cutting, say those things to yourself and then don’t cut.
When you begin to try and love yourself you’ll want to cut less and live more.
Once you can agree stop the cutting and not be one of the persons who are hurting you, then you can join the team that will work to save your life and set some new goals about finding some happiness.
Love yourself Madelaine, be kind to yourself. Be the first person who will love you unconditionally.
You are welcome to email me here: billyboy_2001@hotmail.com
Madelaine,
One thing in your life we did not share, I was not assaulted. My parents (mother) was strict, I was never good enough for her. She told me I was crazy. I was the nerd, ugly, smelly, etc.
1st thing, listen to this post directly above, it is really good and I have seen others by this individual. They know what they are talking about.
2nd, you do have a couple tough years ahead of you, but you have experienced and made it through many hard ones. Things calm down emotionally/hormonally around 25 I would say, as a female. Possibly sooner for you based on the accelerated maturity level. I can tell from your post you “Get it” about a lot of things.
3rd, you have been through an extreme that I can not compare to in your abuse, BUT I can assure you…
I have passed the ugly, nerdy, crazy girl. People don’t like me now because I am “Popular” I went from a nerd at 18 to Strong, Confident, Intelligent, Employed, Beautiful 28 year old woman.
You have a few more battles to overcome but it is not impossible and really the last paragraph written in the post above is the ABSOLUTE KEY!
2 things I say almost daily…
When people try to pick on me, crush my spirit, bring me down etc. I respond with (and usually out loud)…
“Why you gotta be jealous (because they are)”
and
“You know, anytime someone is saying something about me… good or bad… it’s Flattering, because they are wasting their time Talking About ME 🙂 ”
Think about them and I’ll leave you with that.
I stumble across alot of blogs out there and most are lame.. But this is definitely worth reading.
you are beautiful madelaine even i havnt seen you yet.. lets have some fun and lets kill ourselves..this life really sucks..
hey girl,
So im 19 as well, really dont feel bad about the abortion thing. I jus had one i really wantd to keep it however for myself, it wasn realistic for me to have a baby while being a full time college student and working full time while me and the bf are on n off again. Feel grateful that you had a chance to be born n alive. I have a lot of anger too and i take it out towards my mom for some reason. This anger comes from everything my stupid ex- so called boyfirend who im in love wit still. As well as stress from skul n work. But literally i know how you feel. Ive had suicidal thoughts but have not actually gone threw wit it. I used to cut myself as well while i was in middle school. But yea im still depressed and all n the drama btwn the bf isnt gna stop, but literally take everyday little by little. Thats what Im doing i know it builds up but what I do i go for walks n hey if i need to ill have a temper tamptrom alone in my room..n i feel relieved once im done so dont worry n let little things get you down Im telling you this cuz thats what I tell myself