I have a lot of things. I have a lot more than many people.  I am healthy, attractive, happily married, and just about to graduate from a great grad-school. I have everything to live for, but I every time when I turn around the corner, I see death calling me. I really cannot think about anything that I want bad enough to live for. Tonight I relapsed. I took a needle and pieced through my skin and my veins. For a brief moment I felt something. When I saw my blood oozing out of my arm, I felt maybe a brief moment of something.  I know exactly what I need to do to kill myself, I have it planed, have it calculated, I know how many grams it takes for me to pass in 4-minutes. Haha, I guess I am a nerd. I have tried to hang myself several times, I guess I was just scared and did not succeed. I was afraid that if by any chance I ended up not dying, the disruption of blood flow to my brain will cause some permanent damage. Hell, if I can’t live with everything right in my life, how am I suppose to endure a life with brain injury? I am not afraid of dying, or pain, but I am afraid of after life. What happen if life really does not end? Then dying is useless. I just want to disappear, no after life, no hell, no heaven, I just want to not exist. Everyday I put on a strong face because I know there are people who depend on me. I also know how unpleasant a depressed person is to others, and I don’t want other people to look at me that way. So, I guess in a way I am perfectly normal, but in another way, there is something really really wrong about me.  Everyday is like torture, people should never live like this. I have been reading people’s suicide stories, there is always a reason. I don’t think there is any one who just want to die for no reason? I believe in god. I believe there are a greater power that is governing the laws that keeps the world going. How I wish he could just turn me into a part of the energy that is circling around. I don’t know any thing, any more… I have left a couple notes on a couple websites. No one has ever wrote anything. I don’t even know why I am writing it here. I guess I just want somebody to help me ease my pain, and for once I can be brutally honest and show another side of me no one has ever seen except for my therapist. So, have  good night, and I hope all of you another happy day.
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I don’t believe in god, but other than that sounds about right. I’m the story right b4 yours. You wanna talk, I have e-mail (sirachick@hotmail.com) and aim (sirachick)
I had a husband just passed away recently. He talked exactly like yours. Life is torturing. I did help him with alot of bible scripture and seemed help him. I believe in God and I believe God has a good porpuse to create us. Did you read alot of christian books. I think there is a battlefield in your mind. One of Joyce Mayer book “Battle field in your mind” seems very good book to read for people who depress. I have alot of depress friends so if you want to talk to me just write me email arinta_fleury70@yahoo.com. I am a christian!
There is always a reason to live. Since you believe in God then i will say this God has a reason for putting you through things. If he didn’t think you could handle it then he wouldn’t let you go through it. There is a reason for everything even though you may not know what that reason is. God does and he will reveal it in his own time. So you just have to be patient and i know that sucks. I’m probably the least patient person ever but when it comes to things that happen and i don’t know why i give it to God and say “God please just take this pain away and let me breathe. I know you have a reason for me to feel like this. I just pray that you will give me the strength to bear it.” and everytime i say this not the same way but it always works. Because God loves us and doesn’t want us to suffer. Just ask his help that’s all you have to do.
if you would like some one to talk to about anything just e-mail me at jlynne009@yahoo.com just please don’t take your life. There are so many people i’m sure who would miss you so much.
Hello there.
I hear you man. I feel that pain. I have had release at my fingertips so many times too.
Please read my posting on April 21, 2009 titled: To all on this Site, This is for you. I think it could help you.
Until then, please know that in the scheme of the universe, it mattern not who loves you and who does not. The ONLY thing that really matters, the KEY to life itself, is to learn to love yourself, no matter what.
All you truly have posession of in this life is yourself. Physically and spiritually. Take care of it all. You weren’t just some random accident of biology. Millions of sperm cells and trillions of possible combinations of DNA scrambed through and nature SELECTED upon you. Yes you. There has never been a YOU in all the history of humanity and there will never be another YOU. So, please take care of YOU. I think you’re a jewel 🙂
Hi there, I ve read your painful story. I think you really suffer from depression. Even it is hard to believe after suffering it for months and maybe years, it can be cured. But pills are not enough, it is a trauma to suffer from depression and it has to be taken care of too. Maybe some wrong experience from early years, (I know old story but it has its consequences) and even you are adult now some old neural pathways are strongly wired no matter how old or how intelligent you are. Dont put down yourself because you have all nice atributes you mentioned in the beginning of your story, depression is pretty shitty thing to suffer. I wish you all the best! Hug-o
As Hug-o says, you can heal your heart, your body and your brain and depression is an illness which requires help from you, a therapist, a psychologist, herbals, medication, the right food., friends, talking .. sometimes all of the above and sometimes as little as changing your diet to the right choices for your brain.
Please do not despair. You are writing here to see if you can stop the negative thoughts in your brain and you can. You are writing here to ask for help and you do need help. Thanks for asking and giving yourself a chance. You really do deserve it.
You would be depriving the world of your life gem that sparkles and makes a difference in others lives. Even a beautiful smile and laughter can have a ripple effect to light the world. Your suicide ripple will make a broad sweep and may harm so many more then you may realize and hurt hearts and in return other’s fragile brains, hearts and bodies !
Take the right path and heal yourself, please. Get help. I look back and am so very glad I asked for it! I chose life.