I don’t want to live anymore, it’s that simple…
I am a dreamer, and throughout difficult times in my life, I always had this light pulling me toward better days.
I am now 35, depression has always been a part of my life, and I am feeling exhausted.
I lost everything, I am left with nothing. Building my life again would take me an incredible amount of strength that I do not have at this point.
I know what is the core of my endless suffering: I simply need love. But that cannot be done consciously, and when I have truly loved, I have always lost. I cannot keep going like this.
I feel people around me settling down, building families, getting promotions, and realizing their dreams, and I am left on the side of the road…
I should have known better – and I think I actually did – my uncle committed suicide when I was 9, my father was absent, my mother was harsh and abusive. What kind of fairy tale was I expecting?
I wonder why all this is happening to me… I am not a bad person, why was I chosen to go through this hell? Why so much pain? And why giving me these brief instants of joy to take them from me again?
I am done…
I wish I could give my body to science, that way I would have had a use in this life. But I feel so rotten inside, I don’t want any part of me to keep on living in someone else, I feel the darkness would keep on prospering, and it’s about time that it stopped.
I am hoping my sister will take care of my dog, that’s all I have…
Going to have to figure out how to do it…
Slashing my wrists, getting in the bathtub, take sleeping pills and letting myself go… Probably in a hoitel room, so my parents won’t find me…
4 comments
Hi there,
I hear the depression speaking through you. When depressed, it is very hard to “objectively” see you, your possibilities and people around you too. You seem intelligent and sensitive guy.
What you say about love… well, it can be simple, it can be complicated. Love for me is feeling and also the relationship. But when depressed it is hard to feel love and you can start to have serious doubts about relationship.
You can not overestimate how person suffering depression “devalues” him/herself. What you speak about your rotten body is quite the evidence of it.
You said that depression is part of your life. Have you visited some professional – preferably psychiatrist? Im convinced that you can not cure real depression just by will, just opposite – will is something that is under hard pressure in depression. And it is hard to figth 24/7 ideas promoted by depression how bad and desperate and empty is everything in and outside you.
I can find a lot similarities with you, I just think it is too soon to give up and there can be some really nice experiences worth experiencing.
Wish you get better soon, Hugo
Hi there,
Reading your post freaked me out a little… Why? Because I could have written it myself almost word for word…
I know how you feel about wanting to be loved, friends and family moving on and this feeling that you’re stuck behind. Depression too rears its ugly head in my life far too often. I don’t really have any solutions but if you’d like to chat more how about dropping me a line (arch1e@mail.com)? I hate it when people say a ‘problem shared is a problem halved’ but I think there’s some truth in that. Maybe we can help each other? Hang on in there…
I feel quite similar also… the vicious circle of finding love, thinking finally, they’re the one, this is your chance, you will get to be happy… and then failing soon after, being left alone, friends with families and careers, me I’m all alone and have nothing also and live with my parents too… if you’re still here, talk to me. I can’t help myself even so I won’t be trying to help.. just to listen.. I’ve tried before and found it’s harder then you’d think.. spent a week researching on the net and if worst comes to worst I know have my plan of how to go as peacefully and comfortablly as possible.
kitten_666_@hotmail.com
what is that peacefully and comfortably way?
odmetalman@yahoo.com