I don’t really believe my story is one of suicide. It’s more a story of depression, if it’s even that. I don’t really know what I feel most of the time, and I tend to revert to sadness. Often I find myself pondering reasons I have to be sad.
I have never been beaten by my parents, never been horribly embarrased by my peers, I have friends who I hang out with consistently, I have a good job, I am a smart young man, I have tutors in life, I have good health. So really there is no reason to be sad, right?
If that is true then why do I feel like I am so sad. Maybe the problem here is not that I am sad, but that I am confused, do I not know what emotions I am feeling? That seems to be the most illogical, considering I know what it’s like when I am Angry, Joyful, Afraid, etc. So what would make it so I can’t understand Sadness. No, obviously the source of my problems is not misunderstanding.
At this point in my logical train of thought I come to a final solution. This is more related, not to what has happened to me, or what is happening to me, but what will happen to me. I think I know why I am so sad, I believe it is rooted in my fear and anxiety about the future. The fact that I know that there is and will be a difference between what I wish for and what will happen.
There are two futures for me, the one that will make others proud, and the one that simply is. (The latter being that I don’t dissapoint, but it’s just not the one that makes everyone proud.)
There are two futures for me, the one I wish for, and the one I am currently in stride for.
There are two futures for me, the one that continues beyond today, and the one that ends today.
I know now that I have this deep inner fear of what is to come. I love a girl, and I want to marry her, but there are things I believe I need to do before I marry her, and I know by the time I have completed such things she will be married off. There is a job I want, but I know that I don’t want to invest the time into getting that job, so I will be stuck with something less satisfying. There is a place I want to live, but I know I will most likely never leave Washington.
So now I wonder why continue on if my entire life is a catch 22 of sort. I open one door, and the other shuts. I don’t want to concern any of you, because to be honest I have never gotten any where near actually committing suicide. To go through with suicide there needs to be a lapse of judgment; a sadness so overlooming, you don’t think; an anxiety so strong, you can’t think; an anger so great, you don’t want to think. It seems to me that at the height of emotion, I think the most, the best.
This all only adds to the frustration, I can’t get myself to go through with suicide, so I know I am stuck with this forbidding future.
I dont’t entirely know why I decided to write this, and let the world know, but I simply guess it makes things easier if you just write them out. Life is better when you know others understand. Although I will never have the true comfort of knowing a good friend of mine understands, at least I can walk around the streets with the comfort that I am bound to walk beside a stranger who has read my post, and understands me.
Thank you for reading this, and I thank you more for understanding.