I don’t really believe my story is one of suicide. It’s more a story of depression, if it’s even that. I don’t really know what I feel most of the time, and I tend to revert to sadness. Often I find myself pondering reasons I have to be sad.
I have never been beaten by my parents, never been horribly embarrased by my peers, I have friends who I hang out with consistently, I have a good job, I am a smart young man, I have tutors in life, I have good health. So really there is no reason to be sad, right?
If that is true then why do I feel like I am so sad. Maybe the problem here is not that I am sad, but that I am confused, do I not know what emotions I am feeling? That seems to be the most illogical, considering I know what it’s like when I am Angry, Joyful, Afraid, etc. So what would make it so I can’t understand Sadness. No, obviously the source of my problems is not misunderstanding.
At this point in my logical train of thought I come to a final solution. This is more related, not to what has happened to me, or what is happening to me, but what will happen to me. I think I know why I am so sad, I believe it is rooted in my fear and anxiety about the future. The fact that I know that there is and will be a difference between what I wish for and what will happen.
There are two futures for me, the one that will make others proud, and the one that simply is. (The latter being that I don’t dissapoint, but it’s just not the one that makes everyone proud.)
There are two futures for me, the one I wish for, and the one I am currently in stride for.
There are two futures for me, the one that continues beyond today, and the one that ends today.
I know now that I have this deep inner fear of what is to come. I love a girl, and I want to marry her, but there are things I believe I need to do before I marry her, and I know by the time I have completed such things she will be married off. There is a job I want, but I know that I don’t want to invest the time into getting that job, so I will be stuck with something less satisfying. There is a place I want to live, but I know I will most likely never leave Washington.
So now I wonder why continue on if my entire life is a catch 22 of sort. I open one door, and the other shuts. I don’t want to concern any of you, because to be honest I have never gotten any where near actually committing suicide. To go through with suicide there needs to be a lapse of judgment; a sadness so overlooming, you don’t think; an anxiety so strong, you can’t think; an anger so great, you don’t want to think. It seems to me that at the height of emotion, I think the most, the best.
This all only adds to the frustration, I can’t get myself to go through with suicide, so I know I am stuck with this forbidding future.
I dont’t entirely know why I decided to write this, and let the world know, but I simply guess it makes things easier if you just write them out. Life is better when you know others understand. Although I will never have the true comfort of knowing a good friend of mine understands, at least I can walk around the streets with the comfort that I am bound to walk beside a stranger who has read my post, and understands me.
Thank you for reading this, and I thank you more for understanding.
-Me
2 comments
I can’t say that I know exactly how you feel, I may be living a similar situation, but its not my place to tell you I know how you feel. but I understand you, and I really hope you get through, something important about your two future options, it doesn’t matter if other people are proud of you or not, its just important to do what you truly want to do, not what you think you should do or what others would want you to do, when it comes down to it, your the only one who is truly affected by the choices you make, as long as you go with the feeling in your heart.
Recently, both of my parents have told me they have never been so disappointed because I didn’t receive scholarships and go to a real university, they told me that they believe my life was off track, they didn’t even realize that I struggled so much just to get where I did, hoping that they would be proud of my effort. This was the most upsetting thing I was ever told, they did not know how hard my life already was, and how much harder they made it for me to keep on going knowing that I had failed them.
Now I can’t say that I can even follow my own advice that I gave you, but your story just gave me insight, and helped me to think differently. For that I thank you, and wish you the best with your life.
-Dan
Wow, I feel like I’m reading some of my own lines in your post. I too understand that my position in life would make others quite envious, that there is really nothing much for me to complain about. However, I want simpler things but doing that won’t make them proud of me. I need to do one thing at a time but I can’t ask anyone to be patient with me, plus I’m also lazy as heck… so yeah, being stuck in what you’re doing because you don’t want to spend the time pursuing something else, me too. Thanks to you too, I don’t know for what though.