I am 18 and life DOES get better!! (My Story)

I’ve been struggling with Major Depressive Disorder, anxiety and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder for about 3 years. I was hospitalized two years ago for obsessive thoughts, major depression and anxiety. I had homicidal and suicidal ideations for a long time. I hated school. Hated all those pricks in it. Along with the faculty and the injustice of the school. I researched the history of school shootings, and Columbine interested me the most. I could relate so much to Harris & Klebold. Their thoughts, plans and everything. I got to thinking: “Well I hate school. I hate the injustice of the school, my classmates and everything.” I was bullied by jocks too. So one thing led to another and I planned my own school shooting. I made attempts to get my hands on the floor plan a.k.a. map of my school. I was unsuccessful at that. So I drew it from my thoughts. It was pretty exact. I had this friend at the time in my algebra class who I asked for a pistol from. I was very precise on what I wanted. I asked him because I knew that he was the only person who could get his hands on that. Because he had family who collected guns and stuff. The thing was: he told the investigator who did my case that I wanted that pistol to go armed at school. No. I wanted that pistol to commit suicide with. I wouldn’t go armed at school with only a pistol that held 12 rounds. That’s dumb. So anyways…I planned my “shooting”. This one day when my period was eating lunch, I talked to the counselor like I always did. We were talking on the principal’s bench out in the hall, and when the ball rang, I told him, “One day I would love to bring a gun here to kill all of these kids.” He didn’t seemed that alarmed like, “Oh God!!” I had to go to class. About two days after, I was walking to go home with my bestfriend. (I just finished my algebra final for the year) And the school police officer stopped me and took me to the principal’s office. I walk in and see my mother and grandfather. I sit down and the principal says, “Mr. so-and-so told me that you wanted to bring a loaded weapon on school grounds and commit a violent act.” I didn’t deny it. I was honest, and told him what he heard was correct. He said I had to go get help. So I leave school and my mother takes me to the emergency room. I get admitted and the nurses ask why I wanted to murder people and kill myself. I told them that I had a general hatred for mankind and most of all: had a severe hatred for myself. I stay there for 6 hours, then they told me that the local mental hospital had a room for me. I get admitted that night and it was pretty awkward. Had other teens/preteens there. and one 7 year old. A day later I tell my story to the therapists and psychologists. My mom had searched my room and gave the doctors all my personal journals. Imagine that guys. Adult doctors reading through YOUR personal thoughts and shit. It drove me so crazy. Like, it was a HUGE invasion of my privacy. But anyways, they put me on an anti-psychotic and SSRI (anti-depressant). I stayed there in the hospital for about 5 1/2 to 6 full weeks. When you stay that long in a place like that, days seem like weeks. Weeks feel like years.

I end up doing better and feeling so happy. The doctors were very impressed with me too. I felt so great. The day I got discharged, I went home and listened to my favorite band on my iPod :). It was amazing. My point is this: I went through HELL and back several times. I was hopeless. Severely depressed. Had suicidal thoughts/plans. Along with Homicidal plans too. I felt like NOTHING would ever get better. I didn’t think I’d ever feel happiness again. I was wrong. I’m now in love for the first time with an amazing young woman, and I’m soon to be getting my diploma. Even when you think that you are utterly hopeless, and that nothing in this gigantic world will ever get better, you are wrong. So wrong. There is hope for everybody. I hope by you reading my personal story and struggle to get better, you can relate in some way and feel that there is hope for you. God bless <3.