why would anyone want to live??

I cant take this anymore. I’m so sick of everything. I cant handle Anything and it seems like everyone around me cant stand anything I do. I cant be that bad. I cant be the one that ruins everything. But I am.
I’m a horrible person and I don’t deserve the life I have. I hate myself. Why cant people decide if they are going to live? Why does it have to be so hard to flip the switch?

Some people don’t get that. They say I over react, particularly him. The one person I cant let go of. Hes always there, always telling me what to do and how to act, telling me I’m stupid then using me for sex. He says he loves me. But I cant see how anyone can love me. I am no one.
He controls my personality. My actions, and all my choices. Im not allowed to talk to my old friends, he tells me to make new ones but then at my new school, he flops out on my if I talk to anyone. He gets furious with me if I go out with my sister. Then tells me he would never stop me from seeing me family but I’m not allowed to even speak about my father.

My life revolves around him and sex with him. But I cant stay away. He’s all I know, and now he is all I am allowed to know. I cant leave him, I just cant. Id fall apart. He is my stability and my chaos. Death would be easier. And certainly more enjoyable not being able to think, have emotion. Why would anyone put up with the hell that is life. I am dead as it is. So why not stop breathing? Just make it final…